Monday, July 23, 2007

The Douchemeter: Harry Potter nerds are worse than dog murderers

This week's look at the douchey-ist stuff in sports:

1. HARRY POTTER FANS -- First, our buddy Sean Van Den Berg informs us he can’t party this weekend because he’s “staying in to read Harry Potter.” Then we see images of a fan reading the latest Potter book during the playoff at the British Open. Circle jerking to a teenage, four-eyed, mushroom-cut nancy who flies around on a broomstick? Perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate your life (though the rent is cheap in Mom and Dad’s basement).

2. MICHAEL VICK -- The whole developing dog situation is sort of like The Usual Suspects, isn’t it, where you know Kevin Spacey is in the bad guy crew but you don’t realize he was THE guy? Then again something tells us Vick isn’t exactly the intellectual mastermind Keyser Soze was.

Anyway, all we want to know is why, Mike Vick. Why? We could understand if you were mutilating cats, but dogs? Poor form.

3. SEAN SHERK AND HERMES FRANCA The black cloud of roids keeps growing. Its latest victim: UFC. Lightweight champion Sean Sherk and Hermes Franca, who Sherk just beat to retain his title, both tested positive for anabolic steroids last week. Great. Just when mixed martial arts is gaining the respect it deserves, two jackasses (and more to come?) validate all the detractors who think its glorified WWE wrestling.

4. DAUNTE CULPEPPER -- After the Dolphins granted him his release last week, quarterback Daunte Culpepper quoted Ghandi and likened his situation to the legendary civil rights leader.

Yeah. That Ghandi. They’re pretty much the same guy; both were bald and wore giant diamond earrings, and committing one’s entire life to freeing an oppressed nation is just like reading a 4-3 defence.

5. MIKE COOLBAUGH -- The minor league first base coach is going by “Coldbaugh” these days; he died Sunday night after being struck in the head by a line drive. Coldbaugh’s death is selfish for several reasons, including a) because Coldbaugh has the reaction time of molasses, the game was suspended in the ninth, denying hardworking, paying fans the opportunity to see their Arkansas Travelers finish off a 7-3 win; b) he left behind his wife and two children, with another child due in October; c) he forced us to look like cold, heartless monsters by including him on this list.

6. GOLF SPECTATORS Have you ever seen so many people plunked with balls during one tournament? No sympathy from SOJP. First, they chose terrible vantage points halfway down the hole, where you dont see a golfer swing, cant see his approach, cant watch his putts, and only see his tee shot land on your face. Second, theres no excuse for getting hit during a sporting event. Oh, your wife was distracting you? Thats why you hand her your VISA and leave her at the hotel, dipshit. At least they didn’t pull a Coldbaugh.

7. TIM DONAGHY -- The fixing allegations are the worst possible thing for the NBA. Worse than Ron Artest charging into the stands, worse than a steroid scandal, worse than Ron Artest ’roid raging and charging into the stands to eat a baby. Police were called to Donaghy’s home yesterday after the ref received death threats. Who is taking the situation that seriously? Our guess is gamblers who got fucked over by Donaghy’s gambling (better start working on that alibi, Michael Jordan).

8. CARNOUSTIE What happened to Carnasty? Golf fans were treated to Carpussy on the weekend, as the course many call the toughest in the sport played tamer than Lance Bass on Valium. What happened to the vicious fescue? Every wild tee shot ended with Oh, no, hes in trouble now, thats way left….oh, wait! Its sitting up! Its sitting up beautifully. He actually has quite a nice lie there. I guess all the complaining after the U.S. Open scared the course maintenance crew off.

9. TEAM CHILE AND THE TORONTO POLICE After losing a chippy clash with Argentina at the Under-20 World Cup, the Chilean players went N.W.A., hurling projectiles at the cops while boarding their bus. The police responded with Tasers and blasted pepper spray into the entire bus. Come on, people, save the brawling and Tasers for college campuses.

10. TIGER WOODS It kills us to say it, but sometimes Tiger plays like Phil Mickelson looks, and vice versa. What the fuck was Tiger doing hitting iron on a par five when trailing by eight or so shots on Sunday? Was he holding out for that extra $12,346? Where are his cojones?


Sean said...

I'd like to thank my fans, and God, for this glorious position.

Kevin said...

you know who is taking the gambling situation that seriously? the fucking gambino family, that's who.

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malcolm said...

I've got Van Den Berg's back on this one... that book is phenomenal.

Anonymous said...

Great list. Look forward to this every week.