Three Stars (and one guy who will probably be hanging in his basement by an extension cord by the time you read these words)

The weekend’s studs:

1. RYAN HOWARD -- Maybe he’s pissed about losing the home run derby. Maybe he loves doggies and is pretending the ball is Mike Vick’s face. Whatever he’s doing, the man is mashing. Not only has he paced the Phillies with six homers and 14 RBI in his last nine games, he went 7/9 with 2 HR, 7 RBI and five walks over the weekend. He literally hasn’t made an out since Friday.

2. PADRAIG HARRINGTON -- Sure, he came as close to Van de Velding as you possibly can without full-out Van de Velding (on THE Vand de Velde hole!), but he held on and won the British Open. He doesn’t get the first star, though, as he had help from (a) Sergio’s missed putt on 18 and (b) his little gremlin son jumping on him after the 72nd hole and clearly casting a Satanic spell on Sergio.

3. SHELLEY DUNCAN -- Cute Disney story here. Kid gets beat up day-in and day-out as a child for being named Shelley -- for fuck’s sake, Mr. and Mrs. Duncan, what you thinking? -- but grows up to be a hulking slugger. He homered Saturday in his second game as a Yankee, then hit two bombs yesterday. That’s three curtain calls in two days for Duncan. Somebody got laid in NYC last night.

AND ONE GUY WHO WILL PROBABLY BE HANGING IN HIS BASEMENT BY AN EXTENSION CORD BY THE TIME YOU READ THESE WORDS: SERGIO GARCIA. Poor, poor Sergio. He’s younger than Harrington and technically should have many opportunities left, but you get the feeling Harrington could’ve coped with losing. Sergio, on the other hand, looked ready to drop dead from sheer despair after lipping out his putt to win on the Open’s 72nd hole. Even if he never recovers from yesterday’s collapse, at least he’ll probably put that stupid belly putter away.

Note: Did you notice the chick watching from the gallery yesterday who looked like Sergio with hooters? Had to be his sister. Pretty hot, though. Does that mean we think Sergio is hot? Hmmm.