Monday, July 30, 2007

The Douchemeter: dog fighting is just as awful this week as it was last week

Our weekly look at the douchey-ist stuff in sports:

1. MIKE VICK -- sorry if it's boring to put him on the list again, but bumping off pooches for shits and giggles earns you more than one consecutive week on the The Douchemeter. Should be a life Douchemeter sentence. Especially when he pleaded not guilty even though there are DOG SKELETONS ON HIS PROPERTY. It's the equivalent of a woman in a hospital bed holding her newborn baby and claiming she was never pregnant.

2. TNA WRESTLING -- We know pro wrestling likes bad boys, but those bad boys aren't really bad boys -- they play the bad boy role well but are really nice family men behind closed doors, like Chris Benoit. TNA Wrestling -- better known to its Camaro-driving, tracksuit wearing audience as "Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling" (seriously) -- has offered PACMAN FRIGGIN' JONES a contract. The deal should be announced by Tuesday. Dear Lord. The joke'll be on TNA when Pacman takes a "feud" seriously and shoots his opponent in the eye during a live event.

3. JAY WILLIAMSON -- During the first round of the Canadian Open last week, Williamson fired his caddie on the 15th hole after an errant shot. He then grabbed a gallery member to caddie for him for the final few holes. Talk about classless. First Williamson can't wait until the round is done to have it out with his caddie, then he can't man up and carry his own clubs for three holes? You're not Shooter McGavin, dipshit. Shooter won tournaments.

4. ARENA FOOTBALL -- The San Jose SaberCats beat the Columbus Destroyers to win the ArenaBowl yesterday. Sigh. Will we ever see a new sports franchise with a name that doesn't sound like a Decepticon?

5. JOSE CANSECO -- he's writing another book? "Hitler's starting another war?"

6. FORMULA ONE -- you know people are taking a sport too seriously when a team is charged with "espionage." Seriously. James Bond, Jason Bourne shit. McLaren chief designer Mike Coughlan acquired confidential information from Ferrari's designers. Sounds like a horribly boring Bond film, actually. It would star an aging, drooping Michael Douglas as Bond, and he doesn't even try to do a British accent, and there are no sex scenes because Douglas' tits are too distracting.

7. NASCAR OFFICIALS -- Tony Stewart may face fines and point deductions for swearing during an interview after winning the Brickyard 400 yesterday. We don't know where to start here. Nascar officials want to penalize someone for swearing. We repeat, Nascar officials want to penalize someone for swearing. In other news, Charles Manson is "sick of all the killing," a pedophile grounded his kid for looking at porn, and Dick Cheney wants gun control.

8. KEVIN LOWE -- OK, so Edmonton's in the dumps, Lowe's job is in jeopardy and Anaheim probably can't afford to keep Dustin Penner anyway. But throwing over $4 million a year at him? It's a dick move. Congrats, Kev. Phase two of Operation Piss-off-other-GMs-with-ridiculous-offer-sheets-and-make-them-not-want-to-deal-with-you is working.

9. SPORTS MEDIA -- Nice scoop on the Staal brothers story, assholes. It wasn't news. They were arrested for disorderly conduct. Translation: they were arrested for doing what every jock their age does for fun. Translation: they were arrested for doing what Hurk and Larkin did last Friday night (a couple long irons and a laser printer make a great party tandem). They were at a bachelor party, for Christ's sake. So they got friendly with some hookers and doused a couple midgets in ice cream. It's part of growing up.

10 TONY GWYNN -- this spot on the Douchemeter should really just go to obesity. Poor Tony. He looks like he gets eight pounds of marshmellows injected into his body every day, like a diabetic does with insulin.


Ravi said...

It's going to be great one day when Lowe (deservingly) gets his jersey retired by the Oilers...he may be the first player to ever not be present at his own ceremony...

malcolm said...

1) Did you guys pull an Office Space on Travolta the Printer?! I want details.

2) Do you even get the feeling Kevin Lowe cares anymore? My impression is that he basically decided: "Fuck it. We were forced into trading Chris Pronger for Joffrey Fuckin' Lupul, we lost Ryan Smyth and our city's so boring the best UFA we could attract was Sheldon Souray. Life's not fair, and I'm getting fed up of getting fucked over by all the other GMs. This time, it's my turn to be a shit-disturber."

Hayesism said...

putting tony gwynn on the douchemeter should land YOU GUYS on the douchemeter. the poor guy can't really help it if he has the metabolism of a walrus; he's one of the classiest ballplayers of our generation.
you should have re-named the entry "tony gwynn's thyroid"

Hayesism said...

ps. i'm left to clean up all the fucking mess from travolta. (yes malcolm, we went hog-wild). fuck you guys.

malcolm said...

Ahahahahahahahahaha! Incredible.

Does this mean we have a new printer for inappropriate cutline-related purposes?

Dave A said...

Pacman Jones in wrestling is a logical step.
He follows other sports greats into Pro Wrestling, such as:
Dennis Rodman
Karl Malone
Mike Tyson
William Perry
Pete Rose

Rose and Perry are both in the WWE Hall of fame! Take that baseball gambling!

Mark P said...

Personally, I think the fact that Gwynn was a giant fat-ass and still became one of the great hitters of all time is quite an accomplishment.

Ravi said...

Speaking of Douche, this guy/clip should be included...

Denomme said...

RE: athletes and wrestling.

Don't forget Lawrence Taylor v. Bam Bam Bigelow at Wrestlemania XI.