Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Thursday Challenge: 19 new career paths for the Big E

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

That’s what dad told us as kids. Liar! That bully who was already 5’10” in sixth grade beat the piss out of us when we tried to stand up to him.

Oh well, at least that theory applies to some people. Namely, Eric Bryan Lindros. The man was dominant – arguably one of the most dominant players of his era – but he was more fragile than John Ferguson Jr. on draft day. Had an avocado for a head.

What next for the Big E? He’s only 34. He has to find something to do, so we decided to come up with 19 new career paths for Eric Lindros.

1. Throwback action star. Let’s face it – we won’t see any martial arts or espionage from him. He needs to pummel guys with his fists and throw them into glass objects, 1980s-style. Think Road House 3: Mad Dog’s Revenge, co-starring with Rowdy Roddy Piper as his sidekick and a washed up Joe Pesci as the villain.

2. Quebec Premier.

3. Contestant on Pros vs. Joes. He’d lose to “Big Dom” from the steel mill when Dom lines him up for a huge hit and Eric dives to the ice, curls up into the fetal position and cries while sucking his thumb.

4. Owner of a big and tall clothing store chain.

5. Owner of a Mazda dealership.

6. Carpenter. Can’t you see him as that quiet guy who builds your deck, won’t except the bottle of scotch you offer him as a gift, and looks at your wife’s tits as she trots out to the backyard to bring him yet another glass of iced tea?

7. Bouncer at a high-school dance.

8. That guy who takes people’s portraits at Sears.

9. Screenwriter. He pitches a script to MGM about a “big dumb kid from the wrong side of the tracks who relies on heart to become champion.” It’s rejected when producers realize Lindros just took the Rocky script, crossed out the title with pencil crayon, and changed every instance of the word “boxing” to “hockey.”

10. Deep sea fisherman.

11. Teaching tool for neurology students. He accepts a 10-year, $68 million dollar deal to be cryogenically frozen and have his brain studied.

12. Mixed martial arts fighter. He falls to Brock Lesnar in 41 seconds. Oh well. That’s longer than he lasted against Elvis Stojko.

13. Beer league hockey legend. He becomes the Gordie Howe of the sport, crushing multiple dads with huge hits even though the league is non-contact. He wins the scoring race with 34 goals, 60 assists and 94 points in 16 games and takes the Eddie’s Bait Shop Barons to the championship.

14. Stuntman. Desperate for a hit, MGM contacts Lindros and buys his Rocky/hockey script after all. Big E finagles a deal and films the on-ice scenes for the film’s star, Patrick Wharburton.

15. Pet groomer. He’s horrible at it. Lots of complaints.

16. Cast of Dancing with the Stars. Drops an F-bomb on live television when he and his partner are beaten out by Jerry O’Connell.

17. Crash-test driver for a middling car company. Predictably, Lindros suffers a concussion on his first day – when he smacks his head on a desk while trying to pick his car keys off the floor.

18. Intern for Spirit of Jake Plummer. Quits in three days because we force him to wear a bicycle helmet to work. And put a dead beetle in his tuna sandwich.

19. Jury duty. He immediately demands a trade to another trial.


Seanvdb said...

#13 is glorious

Mike Larkin said...

classic. loved the sojp intern piece

Leadhead said...

#20 He and his brother dress up in their respective NYC team jersy's and bill themselves out as "The Twin Towers of Hockey". They go down to the site and charge $20 a pop CDN to have tourists throw eggs at their heads and watch them collapse!

Hayesism said...

awesome, but you know what?
yes, lindros has a head the consistency of wet paper maché. yes, he was a prima donna that always wanted to be traded to the leafs and refused to play for quebec. yes, he got injured as often as phil rivers gets laid.

still, a london, ON born, lifelong toronto fan and a donor of $5 million to UWO's fowler kennedy clinic? the big E is the fucking man. just watch when he's tickling the twine for ted's auto repair.

Kevin said...

Larkin - you have no idea how true that is.....