Monday, November 12, 2007

Douchemeter: Vikings pillage Troy Williamson's soul

Our weekly look at the douchiest things in sports:

1. THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS – The Vikes fined receiver Troy Williamson his $25,000 game check last week -- not for missing team meetings, not for conduct detrimental to the team, not for a DUI. No, Williamson was fined for missing the Chargers game because of his grandmother’s passing, which makes perfect sense when you’re 3-6, out of playoff contention and don’t require the deep threat’s presence anyway because Brooks Bollinger can’t throw further than 25 yards. Just being the Minnesota Vikings should have landed these guys at around No. 9 on this list. Now they’re competing for “Douche of the Year” honors.

2. DON SHULA – Asterisk, shmasterisk, you wrinkly-balled piece of shit. Fact: New England has 355 points in nine games this season. Fact: 21 teams scored less than 355 points in the entire 2006 season. Don, something tells us the Pats may actually be pretty good, even without cheating.

3. DONOVAN MCNABB – He was at his whiney best last week, complaining that he shouldn't shoulder all the blame for Philly's woes this season. You’re right, Donovan, but shut the fuck up already. All this guy does is bitch. When you play the most scrutinized position in sports and have a $100-million contract (oh yeah, and you’re black), you’re going to be blamed when things go wrong. Grow some fucking balls, or just go home and suckle on your momma’s fat, Chunky Soup-flavored tit, you sobbing vagina.

4. JEREMY ROENICK’S 500TH GOAL – We’re not calling Roenick douchey here, though no one would fault us if we were. This is all about the goal. The shitty, shitty goal. It was more anticlimactic than the time we went to Kev’s “dance recital” only to find Kev doing the splits alone in a church basement while Milli Vanilli played on a ghetto blaster.

5. THE PGA SILLY SEASON. Jesus. It’s November, guys. You’ve won millions of dollars. Have you no souls? Take a rest and spend time with your families. The world can survive without the Coco Puffs Cheetos Open. Well, most of it can. Canadian golfers need these tourneys to have a chance at winning.

6. THE FLORIDA MARLINS – Miguel Cabrera, one of the best young stars in baseball, is on the trading the block. If Florida Marlins fans existed, how would they put up with this shit? They definitely wouldn’t feel safe buying a team jersey unless it was blank (kind of douchey) or had their own name on it (really douchey). Sure, you get to win a World Series every five years or so, but that’s like getting to be the “pitcher” in prison every couple of gang rapes.

7. WASHINGTON REDSKINS WIDEOUTS – James Thrash. Jared from the Subway commercials. Nancy Reagan. Conan O’Brien. Can you guess which one caught two TD passes yesterday? The first two TDs caught by a Redskins receiver this year? CAN YOU? If you guessed Thrash, you must’ve seen the game yesterday. No way you would’ve picked him otherwise. Our money would’ve been on Reagan hauling down a couple jump balls.

8. ITALIANS – Riots, arrests, a fan inadvertently shot by police. Just another “episode of soccer-related unrest” in Italy. It’s un-fucking-believable that people still make the “Europe is more cultured and classy than North American” argument. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to get back to our Wendy’s Baconator and Viva La Bam DVDs.

9. THE MINNESOTA TWINS – Lowballing the best hurler in baseball with a two-year, $36-million offer when he’s only 28?

On second thought…

9b. BASEBALL -- $18 million a year is a “lowball” offer? Cue the apocalypse.

10. PEYTON MANNING – Six interceptions against the Chargers? We know he might as well have had Kevin Everett running post patterns out there, but maybe somebody has been spending a bit too much time hawking (name any product you can think of) and not enough time in film.


Hayesism said...

a) entertaining.
b) this was a Minnesota hate-fest
c) you knew the Manning thing would piss me off, didn't you?

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