Thursday, October 4, 2007

Thursday Challenge: 38 reasons why we're pumped for the NHL season


Larkin loooooves hockey. Not because he was good at it, though. He sucked. But he was a goober who memorized stats and collected hockey stickers. So Hurk tickled him pink when he challenged him to name 38 reasons why he’s giddy about the start of the NHL season.


We can't wait for:


1. Mark Bell drunkenly stealing the Zamboni during an intermission, crashing into four pee-wee hockey players and leaving the scene of the crime.


2. Watching Alexander Ovechkin bury more pucks in the net than ever before, since Kev the Intern’s socially outcast uncle, a.k.a Chris Clark, won’t be feeding him anymore.


3. A long-awaited steroid scandal rocking the NHL. Bertuzzi?


4. Roberto Luongo breaking his ankle after slipping in the pool of hair gel in his crease.


5. Luongo’s hair gel pool stopping a trickling puck from crossing the line in overtime in Game 6 of the Western Conference final, creating massive controversy.


6. Taking a Zambuca shot on Saturday night every time Don Cherry says “I’ll tell you right now.”


7. Playoff beards.


8. Seeing Jeremy Roenick play six enthusiastic games for the Sharks before crashing face first into the boards and breaking his cheekbone.


9. Never having to observe Mike Ricci’s disgusting existence again.


10. The Blackhawks finally having hope because Bill Wirtz is dead.


11. Being blinded by the Sedin Twins’ sheer orangeness


12. Seeing Toronto newspapers declare the Leafs top cup contenders after a Friday night win, then picking them for last place when they lose the next night.


13. Garth Snow trading two first round draft picks for Glen Murray at the trade deadline…when the Islanders are 14 points out of eighth.


14. NBC introducing a “water bottle tracker” graphic for each player, showing how many sips they take between shifts.


15. Hockey hair.


16. Buying fried baloney sandwiches at Buffalo’s HSBC centre. Seriously.


17. Laughing at Washington’s Alexander Semin. Haha. Semin.


18. Chris Pronger sticking his penis in Brian Burke’s daughter and getting run out of Anaheim.


19. Chris Simon committing murder on national television.


20. Mats Sundin being in a wheelchair by year’s end.


21. No one getting arrested for anything.


22. Huge open ice hits.


23. Cursing out foreigners for their dainty play and unpronounceable names.


24. Chris Drury and Scott Gomez making guest appearances on Saturday Night Live and bombing when the audience doesn’t know who they are.


25. Enjoying the Crosby era, the first true “era” since Wayne and Mario made us cream our pants nightly.


26. Playoff overtime winners.


27. Glove saves.


28. Buffalo’s annoying but awesome goal buzzer.


29. Buffalo’s annoying but awesome announcer.


30. Seeing Wayne Gretzky looking as intimidating as a sunflower on the Coyotes’ bench.


31. Ovechkin and Kovalchuk’s goal celebrations.


32. Goalie fights.


33. Last year’s finalists not suddenly becoming shitty this year.


34. Ray Emery putting Michael Vick’s portrait on his mask.


35. Daniel Briere and Simon Gagne making Philadelphia citizens slightly less prejudiced against French Canadians.


36. John Tortorella throwing his goalies, defense corps, trainer, massage therapist, children, lawyer, dog and ex-wife under the bus in a post-game interview.


37. Theo Fleury swinging down from the Saddledome rafters during a Flames/Oilers titlt wearing a cape and Phantom of the Opera mask, crashing to the ice, vomiting, crying, beating the shit out of Dwayne Roloson, hurling a stick into the stands and taking a shit on the Oilers blueline.


38. Tim Connolly dazzling us with his soft hands before his soft skull explodes like a pumpkin when Saku Koivu blows on it.

4 comments:

Kevin said...

I don't think enough good things can be said about that video of the little kids fighting each other. Of note:
1) the coaches just skating around the ice watching these kids pound each other
2) the larger kid in the Bruins Jersey who almost "Everetts" the smaller kid into the boards right at the start of the melee
3) The one kid in blue randomly going after his teammate at 0:26, then getting gooned by him at the end

Oh hockey... you teach our kids so many great life lessons...

Chadass said...

I do like the reference to the Toronto media...How about...

1) Every member of the Toronto media referring to the "media" as causing it to be difficult to play in Toronto, yet never including themselves in the reference of "media"

Kerry said...

Mark Bell is such a douche. I used to work at a golf course in high school and he freaked out at me when I wouldn't let him play, because we were having the men's club championship that day.

Sorry Mark, you wanna play in the club championship, ya gotta be a member. Also, I'm pretty sure you can afford to golf at a better golf course than the Stratford Municipal golf course.

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