Larkin loooooves hockey. Not because he was good at it, though. He sucked. But he was a goober who memorized stats and collected hockey stickers. So Hurk tickled him pink when he challenged him to name 38 reasons why he’s giddy about the start of the NHL season.
We can't wait for:
1. Mark Bell drunkenly stealing the Zamboni during an intermission, crashing into four pee-wee hockey players and leaving the scene of the crime.
2. Watching Alexander Ovechkin bury more pucks in the net than ever before, since Kev the Intern’s socially outcast uncle, a.k.a Chris Clark, won’t be feeding him anymore.
3. A long-awaited steroid scandal rocking the NHL. Bertuzzi?
4. Roberto Luongo breaking his ankle after slipping in the pool of hair gel in his crease.
5. Luongo’s hair gel pool stopping a trickling puck from crossing the line in overtime in Game 6 of the Western Conference final, creating massive controversy.
6. Taking a Zambuca shot on Saturday night every time Don Cherry says “I’ll tell you right now.”
8. Seeing Jeremy Roenick play six enthusiastic games for the Sharks before crashing face first into the boards and breaking his cheekbone.
9. Never having to observe Mike Ricci’s disgusting existence again.
10. The Blackhawks finally having hope because Bill Wirtz is dead.
11. Being blinded by the Sedin Twins’ sheer orangeness
13. Garth Snow trading two first round draft picks for Glen Murray at the trade deadline…when the Islanders are 14 points out of eighth.
14. NBC introducing a “water bottle tracker” graphic for each player, showing how many sips they take between shifts.
15. Hockey hair.
16. Buying fried baloney sandwiches at
17. Laughing at
18. Chris Pronger sticking his penis in Brian Burke’s daughter and getting run out of
19. Chris Simon committing murder on national television.
20. Mats Sundin being in a wheelchair by year’s end.
21. No one getting arrested for anything.
23. Cursing out foreigners for their dainty play and unpronounceable names.
24. Chris Drury and Scott Gomez making guest appearances on Saturday Night Live and bombing when the audience doesn’t know who they are.
25. Enjoying the
27. Glove saves.
30. Seeing Wayne Gretzky looking as intimidating as a sunflower on the Coyotes’ bench.
31. Ovechkin and Kovalchuk’s goal celebrations.
32. Goalie fights.
33. Last year’s finalists not suddenly becoming shitty this year.
34. Ray Emery putting Michael Vick’s portrait on his mask.
35. Daniel Briere and Simon Gagne making
36. John Tortorella throwing his goalies, defense corps, trainer, massage therapist, children, lawyer, dog and ex-wife under the bus in a post-game interview.
37. Theo Fleury swinging down from the Saddledome rafters during a Flames/Oilers titlt wearing a cape and Phantom of the Opera mask, crashing to the ice, vomiting, crying, beating the shit out of Dwayne Roloson, hurling a stick into the stands and taking a shit on the Oilers blueline.
38. Tim Connolly dazzling us with his soft hands before his soft skull explodes like a pumpkin when Saku Koivu blows on it.