Monday, October 1, 2007

The Douchemeter: Hope Solo is hot and nothing else matters

1. TEAM USA – Team USA benched star goalie Hope Solo (above) because...something happened, or...yeah. Who benches her? She's hot.

2. DAN MARINO – What is Marino without the TD record? He’s like Chumbawamba without “I Get Knocked Down.” In other words, he’s nothing. Well, not quite nothing. A piece of shit, by definition, is still something. Anyways, fuck Marino for blatantly ripping off Hank Aaron’s jumbotron congrats speech.

3. THE NEW YORK METS – What can we say? Not only was their collapse the biggest ever, they lost out to the Phillies, the perennial hard-luck team, the losingest squad in baseball history. This was the complete opposite of a Disney movie. This was an eivom yensiD. Think that was cheesy? uoy kcuF.

4. J.P. RICCIARDI – Year Six of J.P.’s Five-Year Plan is complete. Kill us.

5. THE NHL PLAYING REGULAR SEASON GAMES WHEN THE PRESEASON ISN’T OVER YET – Absolute trash. And we’ve got our eye on you, NBA-playoffs-that-allow-second-round-games-to-begin-even-if-the-first-round-isn’t-over-yet.

6. DALLAS CLARK – After making a slick touchdown catch against the Broncos yesterday, Clark thunderspiked the football, which bounced errantly into the stands. Not so slick? Clark standing in the corner of the endzone for 15 seconds demanding a fan return it. Prick.

7. LAST WEEK’S AP POLL TOP 10 – College football got crazier than Gary Busey on coke-fueled road trip last weekend. Oklahoma, Florida, Texas and Rutgers lost on the weekend while USC barely escaped Washington and dropped out of the No. 1 spot.

8. STEVE DOWNIE – Yeah, yeah. We agree the NHL is becoming a pussy league with less hitting than your uncle’s flag football league. But don’t point to Downie as a throwback to the golden age; leaving your feet to throw a dirty hit – especially in the preseason – doesn’t impress anyone, dipshit.

9. MIKE SWEENEY – Crying after playing your last game with the Royals? Do inmates cry when they're released from prison? Do kids cry when social services rescue them from their extension cord-wielding daddies? Do lactose intolerant people cry when mom finally gets a clue and stops making grilled cheese for lunch every day?

10. NEW YORK YANKEE FANS – Who would’ve thought they, of all people, would become bandwagoners this year? How quickly they forgot about A-Rod’s nightmare 2006, a season in which they were his worst critics. It’ll be interesting to see how they react when A-Rod makes four errors and breaks a nail in Game 7 of the ALCS.


Kevin said...

If I can say one positive thing about the Jays' season this year it's "Hey, at least we're not the Mets".

Enzer said...

The Chumbawumba song was called "Tub Thumping." Still is, in fact. said...

It cannot have effect in reality, that is what I think.