1. TEAM USA – Team USA benched star goalie Hope Solo (above) because...something happened, or...yeah. Who benches her? She's hot.
2. DAN MARINO – What is Marino without the TD record? He’s like Chumbawamba without “I Get Knocked Down.” In other words, he’s nothing. Well, not quite nothing. A piece of shit, by definition, is still something. Anyways, fuck Marino for blatantly ripping off Hank Aaron’s jumbotron congrats speech.
3. THE NEW YORK METS – What can we say? Not only was their collapse the biggest ever, they lost out to the Phillies, the perennial hard-luck team, the losingest squad in baseball history. This was the complete opposite of a Disney movie. This was an eivom yensiD. Think that was cheesy? uoy kcuF.
4. J.P. RICCIARDI – Year Six of J.P.’s Five-Year Plan is complete. Kill us.
5. THE NHL PLAYING REGULAR SEASON GAMES WHEN THE PRESEASON ISN’T OVER YET – Absolute trash. And we’ve got our eye on you, NBA-playoffs-that-allow-second-round-games-to-begin-even-if-the-first-round-isn’t-over-yet.
6. DALLAS CLARK – After making a slick touchdown catch against the Broncos yesterday, Clark thunderspiked the football, which bounced errantly into the stands. Not so slick?
7. LAST WEEK’S AP POLL TOP 10 – College football got crazier than Gary Busey on coke-fueled road trip last weekend.
8. STEVE DOWNIE – Yeah, yeah. We agree the NHL is becoming a pussy league with less hitting than your uncle’s flag football league. But don’t point to Downie as a throwback to the golden age; leaving your feet to throw a dirty hit – especially in the preseason – doesn’t impress anyone, dipshit.
9. MIKE SWEENEY – Crying after playing your last game with the Royals? Do inmates cry when they're released from prison? Do kids cry when social services rescue them from their extension cord-wielding daddies? Do lactose intolerant people cry when mom finally gets a clue and stops making grilled cheese for lunch every day?