Sometimes, amid the million-dollar salaries, steroid scandals and DUI arrests, we forget professional athletes are real people too. And, like the rest of us schlubs, sometimes they need a little loving beyond Candi and Dynasty in the champagne room. Today, we've listed what we think some athletes would put in their own personal ads if they were searching for a partner. If you can't figure out who each "Mr. Right" is, just click on their contact info and we'll fill you in.
Male, 29, seeks attractive woman who is ok with open relationships. Having her tubes tied is a must. Bonus if being treated for glaucoma.
Larger-than-life male seeks ladies to party with. Should be comfortable with cigar smoke, nudity and frequent-but-uncontrollable struggles with gas. Exotic dancers are welcome and encouraged to apply.
Accomplished man, 31, in search of acting jobs and other events offering handsome appearance fees. Willing to endorse and star in television ads for any product made in the
Venezuelan man, middle-aged, seeks Latino woman to bear his children. Must be Roman Catholic. Must be a virgin. Must not be corrupted by a white man or a negro man or an Asian man or an animal or another woman. Must not have selfish career goals to distract from family. Must not be gay or a fucking reporter.
Fit, avid cyclist looking for companion to be with through the good times and bad. Well, my bad times. In the good times, I might look for someone hotter. In your bad times, I definitely will look for someone hotter. Predisposition to cancer is a turn-off.
I’m a lonely, gentle guy looking for a little TLC. Soft, steady hands and the ability to listen would be nice. Must be patient and not yell at me for dropping things or making poor decisions. I’ll make it worth your while, I swear. We’ll do some fun, crazy things. What will we do? Well, I tell you what. I’ll let you pick. Thanks for reading and I hope to meet you soon. It would mean a lot.
220 pounds of sizzling Latino heat seeks fun partner for (discreet) nights of clubbing, hot tubs, Jager bombs and massage oils. Must be between five feet and seven feet tall, preferably without facial hair, but I do like to experiment. No sports talk, please.
Ambitious young man seeks fun-loving companion to play the 19th hole with him. Needs a zest for a nice set of irons and the ability to get down and dirty in the sand trap of life. Must have a strong desire for buffets/seven-course meals. Brassieres are optional.
Stop reading if you’re over 25 and haven’t had any surgery to keep yourself looking fine. You best not have kids. You best not want me to take you shopping or to the movies or out for a nice dinner. You best be well endowed, not afraid of 12 inches of throbbing man thrust in your face while you get a rug burn, and most of all, you must love to get freaky and shoot up. You think I’m fly? Hell yes, you do.
An average guy who likes life seeks a woman who likes life and can cook a fine turkey pretty much every night.
Young male seeks Italian mother who he can fuck in her motherfuckin’ Italian cunt. Must like sucking dick. Would also enjoy fucking your mummy in her mouth. If you have a daughter, I will fuck her hard too. Preferably should speak Serbian.
I’m looking for a beautiful woman – preferably a supermodel – who I can impregnate and then leave forever. I am good looking, have a multimillion dollar salary, and play quarterback for the best team in football. My current interception-to-touchdown ratio is 21:2.
Tall, dark and handsome male seeks companionship. Hobbies include complaining about the weather, showing off pictures of my family and feeding pigeons in the park. Must enjoy daily trips to the physiotherapist.
Big, quirky man looking for a good time. Must be spontaneous. Favourite pastimes are lumbering about and terrifying children when handing out Halloween candy.
Sexy, extroverted male looking for hot babe to turn the lights out with and possibly start a relationship. Must be willing to focus on my positives, and forgive and forget – especially forget – that I am a cheater.
Not actually an athlete, just a fan. Still, looking for a lady who likes it fast and furious. Ideal night consists of shooting small animals in my backyard, crushing a six pack of Bud, and getting nasty in my trailer. If you’re fat, bring a friend.