Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Looking for love: athlete personal ads

Sometimes, amid the million-dollar salaries, steroid scandals and DUI arrests, we forget professional athletes are real people too. And, like the rest of us schlubs, sometimes they need a little loving beyond Candi and Dynasty in the champagne room. Today, we've listed what we think some athletes would put in their own personal ads if they were searching for a partner. If you can't figure out who each "Mr. Right" is, just click on their contact info and we'll fill you in.


Male, 29, seeks attractive woman who is ok with open relationships. Having her tubes tied is a must. Bonus if being treated for glaucoma.


Larger-than-life male seeks ladies to party with. Should be comfortable with cigar smoke, nudity and frequent-but-uncontrollable struggles with gas. Exotic dancers are welcome and encouraged to apply.

Call the Hooters in Dardanelle, Arkansas, 555-8487

Accomplished man, 31, in search of acting jobs and other events offering handsome appearance fees. Willing to endorse and star in television ads for any product made in the United States of America. Early morning shoot times are preferable. $14,000 U.S./hour, $200,000 flat rate for birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.

Call PM Talents ltd. At 1-888-626-6464

Venezuelan man, middle-aged, seeks Latino woman to bear his children. Must be Roman Catholic. Must be a virgin. Must not be corrupted by a white man or a negro man or an Asian man or an animal or another woman. Must not have selfish career goals to distract from family. Must not be gay or a fucking reporter.

Call Mr. G at 555-2351

Fit, avid cyclist looking for companion to be with through the good times and bad. Well, my bad times. In the good times, I might look for someone hotter. In your bad times, I definitely will look for someone hotter. Predisposition to cancer is a turn-off.

Please send full body shot to

I’m a lonely, gentle guy looking for a little TLC. Soft, steady hands and the ability to listen would be nice. Must be patient and not yell at me for dropping things or making poor decisions. I’ll make it worth your while, I swear. We’ll do some fun, crazy things. What will we do? Well, I tell you what. I’ll let you pick. Thanks for reading and I hope to meet you soon. It would mean a lot.

E-mail I_Need_Your_Touch at

220 pounds of sizzling Latino heat seeks fun partner for (discreet) nights of clubbing, hot tubs, Jager bombs and massage oils. Must be between five feet and seven feet tall, preferably without facial hair, but I do like to experiment. No sports talk, please.

Call Hot Rod at 555-8933

Ambitious young man seeks fun-loving companion to play the 19th hole with him. Needs a zest for a nice set of irons and the ability to get down and dirty in the sand trap of life. Must have a strong desire for buffets/seven-course meals. Brassieres are optional.

E-mail Lefty at

Stop reading if you’re over 25 and haven’t had any surgery to keep yourself looking fine. You best not have kids. You best not want me to take you shopping or to the movies or out for a nice dinner. You best be well endowed, not afraid of 12 inches of throbbing man thrust in your face while you get a rug burn, and most of all, you must love to get freaky and shoot up. You think I’m fly? Hell yes, you do.

Think I’d give you my phone number? Please, bitch. I’m unlisted, I’ll find you if I want you.

An average guy who likes life seeks a woman who likes life and can cook a fine turkey pretty much every night. Turkey’s a funny bird. For all the talk about it gobblin’ here and gobblin’ there, we don’t really get to see a turkey gobble all that much. It’s stuck on a farm. The farm animals get to hear ’em gobble all the time, and I tell ya, heck, some times I wish I was one of those old farm animals. You eat slop, you get dirty, you roll around in some hay, and you get to hear that old gobblin’ all day long.

Call John at 555-8290

Young male seeks Italian mother who he can fuck in her motherfuckin’ Italian cunt. Must like sucking dick. Would also enjoy fucking your mummy in her mouth. If you have a daughter, I will fuck her hard too. Preferably should speak Serbian.

Ask for the Slick Serb, 555-9122

I’m looking for a beautiful woman – preferably a supermodel – who I can impregnate and then leave forever. I am good looking, have a multimillion dollar salary, and play quarterback for the best team in football. My current interception-to-touchdown ratio is 21:2.

For some baby-making, email

Tall, dark and handsome male seeks companionship. Hobbies include complaining about the weather, showing off pictures of my family and feeding pigeons in the park. Must enjoy daily trips to the physiotherapist.


Big, quirky man looking for a good time. Must be spontaneous. Favourite pastimes are lumbering about and terrifying children when handing out Halloween candy.

Email me at

Sexy, extroverted male looking for hot babe to turn the lights out with and possibly start a relationship. Must be willing to focus on my positives, and forgive and forget – especially forget – that I am a cheater.

Ask for the Sexy Deviant, 555-8844

Not actually an athlete, just a fan. Still, looking for a lady who likes it fast and furious. Ideal night consists of shooting small animals in my backyard, crushing a six pack of Bud, and getting nasty in my trailer. If you’re fat, bring a friend.

I don’t have email and the phone company disconnected me, so you’ll have to reach me at work. I work 9-5 at the Target in Duluth, Georgia


Anonymous said...

I'm dying here! Tears in my eyes.

A classic SOJP post.

Anonymous said...

dude, the brady one. one word. NICE!

Swami said...

Middle-aged man looking for one-night stand with attractive younger female. Must not read Deadspin. Leather a plus.

Sammy said...

Only one minor flaw, otherwise an oustanding piece. The Chris Kaman one had some historical inaccuracies. See below:

"Said Chris Kaman, "I come from a Christian household and we didn't celebrate Halloween. At church, we had something called the 'Hallelujah Hoedown'. It was like Halloween for the good kids. We'd go home afterwards, close all the windows and turn out the lights. We'd get our house egged every year because we didn't give out candy".

As a youngster, I'm not sure the Hallelujah Hoedown would be much of an impetus for me to be a "good kid" when all the bad kids got loot bags rammed with candy. I wish I knew where Kaman grew up, I'd still egg the house every year on principle.

Jake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spirit of Jake Plummer said...

That Hallelujah Hoedown sucks. I can't imagine being one of the poor kids that suffered such a fate. Although, considering Kaman's ADHD is so bad, it was probably for the best that he didn't eat an entire pillow case of candy once a year.