Monday, October 15, 2007

The Douchemeter: Byrning sensation in the NLCS


Every Monday, we review the douchiest things in sports.

1. ERIC BYRNES – Before last night’s game, the Diamondbacks outfielder complained the Rockies hadn’t outplayed Arizona in the NLCS – “Not even close,” according to Byrnes, despite his team now trailing 3-0 in the series – and that all the lucky bounces have gone Colorado’s way. He also said his milk was too warm and his diaper rash was killing him (he didn’t mention anything about him hitting .250 in the series).

2. JESSE BOULERICE – The Philadelphia Flyers “hockey player” was suspended 25 games for cross checking Vancouver’s Ryan Kesler in the face. In Boulerice’s defense, the Flyers were barely clinging to a 7-2 lead late in the third period and he was merely trying to spark his teammates.

3. KENTUCKY FANS – Twenty-two people were arrested during a “riot” after Kentucky’s 43-37 upset win over No. 1-ranked LSU. That’s just about enough, Kentucky fans, time to settle down. We’re not upset about the rioting – if the Leafs ever win another Cup, we’re gonna make Toronto burn like Larkin’s urethra when he pees – and indeed, it was a huge win. But we didn’t even know you had a football team until this season, so let’s all stop acting like you’re big pigskin supporters and we’ll see you in March, ok?

4. BERNARD BERRIAN – Searching for a contract extension after a career year of 775 yards and six touchdowns, the Bears wide receiver rejected a five-year, $20-million deal and asked for double the amount. Eight million dollars a year? Sorry, Bernard, but the Bears aren’t about to pay over a million bucks a touchdown.

5. ALLAN HOUSTON – Admittedly, it’s going to be tough for the guard to make the Knicks roster in his comeback attempt. Although, Houston also has a tough time remembering where he left his car keys and peeing in spite of his swollen prostate, but he does it, doesn’t he? Don’t doubt the man!

6. TERRELL OWENS – The note T.O. left for reporters last week, suggesting they should “Getacha popcorn ready” for Sunday’s Patriots-Cowboys/Randy Moss-Terrell Owens match-up, was pretty funny. But six catches for 66-yards and touchdown aren’t exactly popcorn-worthy. Twizzlers-worthy, sure. But not popcorn.

7. CHICAGO BEARS – The more we think about it, the more Berrian seems right. Yeah, they put up 31 points yesterday, but that was largely due to Devin Hester’s return antics and the Vikings starting Brad Childress’s sister at right corner. Until the Bears start shelling out at least a million bones per touchdown, they’re in trouble.

8. NCAA POLLS – Just three teams from the AP’s preseason top-10 remain there, and two teams have fallen out of the rankings entirely. Like Thanksgiving at the Lohan residence, it’s been exciting and trashy.

9. GEORGE STEINBRENNER – The Boss’s reported ceding of control to his sons is about 10 years overdue. Though it is hilarious to think this guy has literally been running the Yankees for a while now.

10. EVANDER HOLYFIELD – The former heavyweight champ says he will not retire after losing to Sultan Ibragimov on Saturday night. What? Evander Holyfield is still fighting?

6 comments:

Hayesism said...

Kentucky fans on the douchemeter? You clowns. The people rioting were mainly Kentucky students, of course they're going to go apeshit when the Wildcats (who were picked by most to finish in the SEC cellar) beat one of the NCAA's powerhouses. It was a huge day for the program and the university in Lexington; UK has been forever known as just a hoops school.

UK is having the best season in their football team's history. I'd say that gives them the right to whoop it up a tad.

Kevin said...

Man, how can you guys not add the Chicago Blackhawks fans to the douchemeter? Last Monday they were doing a tribute to the Late bill Wertz, and throughout the eulogy, they Booed! They booed a dead guy, with his family in full attendance. Thats way worse than Philly fans booing Santa Claus.

Like, he did screw the team for, like 50 years but i mean wow...

Kevin said...

... And everyone knows about Kentucky football... they gave us "The Fat Quarterback" Jared Lorenzen. Height: 6-4 Weight: 285.

Hayesism said...

yeah, it's a toss up who is curvier:
the NFL's J-Lo or the music industry's J-Lo.

Seanvdb said...

Bill Wirtz deserves to be booed. Even at his funeral.

What are they going to cheer him for? Running the team into the ground?

Mark P said...

They weren't booing. They were saying Boo-ill.