Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Thursday Challenge: 20 NFL coaches and their alternate job possibilities

You have to love NFL head coaches. Perhaps more than any other sport’s leaders, they’re caricatures – larger than life personalities who pop up in the media constantly.

We’re so used to seeing their usually ugly, often animated faces that we began wondering – if we ran into these guys in the street not knowing who they were, what occupation would we think they had?

Bill Simmons recently hammered the nail on the head when he said Seattle coach Mike Holmgren “should be wearing a sheriff’s outfit and buying donuts.” But we think Dallas’ Wade Phillips deserves a vote, too. While Holmgren would work to maintain order, Phillips would straddle the line of good and evil as he prowls the Interstate.

Picture Wade (above) pulling over poor 19-year-old Billy Bob and girlfriend Lucy on a dark country road:

"Well loookeeeee. What do we have here....looks like we gots ourself a cowboy, drivin' real fast. And (Pulls out nightstick…smash!) Oooowee! Looks like his tail light's out too. And by golly, that's a pretty lady you got with ya. What’s your name? Sweetheart? I bet you taste like a juicy strawberry."

Today’s Thursday Challenge? Name 20 NFL coaches and their alternate job possibilities. Giddy up!

Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers: Crappy, low-end mob henchman who Batman beats up easily.

McCarthy: OK Bats, bring it on…I tackled guys bigger than you in college ball.”

(Batman grabs McCarthy, throws him down flight of stairs)

Batman: …Guess your team finished in the basement.

McCarthy: ungh….

Other possibilities: delivery guy

Lane Kiffin, Oakland Raiders: star of made-for-TV movie Face of an Angel, Heart of a Demon about an average but strangely distant sales rep accused of murder after a dozen dead prostitutes are found in his tool shed; based on “true events”

Jack Del Rio, Jacksonville Jaguars: Sales rep who brings a jock mentality to the job. “Let’s fucking close this. BOO-YAH!”

He calls himself “Jackie Boy,” speaks in third-person, and claims he can go shot for shot with anyone at the bar.

After he narrowly edges out slutty cougar Janine in a drink-off at the office Christmas party, he stumbles into an alley, followed by his cronies, who hang on his every word. He pukes on the ground. When junior sales rep Todd comes to his aid, he grabs Todd.

“Get…OFF me you fuck!” He busts Todd’s nose with a vicious right, then throws him into a puddle and stomps on him a few times. The other sales guys are mortified.

“You didn’t see NOTHIN!” Del Rio says. “You didn’t see nothin’.”

He lurches off into the night, breathing like a hungry animal.

Ken Whisenhunt, Arizona Cardinals: Head guard at a maximum security prison who takes secret money handouts and beats inmates in public to display his power. “You gonna cry? Shutup. You’re in Hell now, boy. And I’m Satan, understand? Three days in the hole!”

Sean Payton, New Orleans Saints: full-of-shit athletic store clerk who doesn’t really know what he’s talking about – will try to sell you golf gloves when you asked for batting gloves; wears visor on the job; working on commission, tries to stay hip with shoe-shopping teenagers by altering his lingo when they ask for a particular size: “Let me hook you up with that, man.”

Lovie Smith, Chicago Bears: old, wise custodian in a movie about a youth struggling to find his way in life; despite his socially frowned-upon job status, offers valuable guidance that puts the protagonist on the path to self-fulfillment

Other possibilities: kindly store clerk, grave digger who you think is a homicidal maniac but turns out to be a nice guy who's just really shy

Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles: hotdog/chip truck vendor who wears an apron and paper hat

Other possibilities: crappy guard in prison movie who gets killed first during the riot scene

Eric Mangini, New York Jets: good natured but clueless guidance counselor who thinks he’s making a difference at the local high school but is actually a joke.

“Fuck, I have to see old man Mangini today. I don’t think I’m gonna show up. Or maybe I can distract him with a bag of Oreos and make a break for it.”

Brad Childress, Minnesota Vikings: pedophile

Other possibilities: camp counsellor; kindergarten teacher; baby sitter; catholic priest

Mike Nolan, San Francisco 49ers: Our conversation went like this:

Larkin: Hmm… Nolan, he’s pretty cool. Maybe he’d be a renegade army guy. A general? A platoon leader?

Hurk: Yeah, but he dresses well; he’s not a jarhead. I see him wearing a dress uniform and being kind of stressed out, always rubbing his face, because the generals make him carry out orders that he finds morally conflicting – does he follow orders or do the right thing?

Larkin: See, I don’t know. I think his face is tough looking. I think he’d be more of the decorated general covered in medals or something.

Hurk: Oh, I still see him with the medals; I see him fairly high up, just not at the top. But he still has the honour. Maybe at the end he goes against orders to do the right thing, but it pans out and he becomes general!

Dick Jauron, Buffalo Bills: zombie

Other possibilities: socially outcast undertaker, extra in “Thriller” video

Brian Billick, Baltimore Ravens: washed up action hero who used to ride motorbikes, get chicks, and “be the best,” but now he’s an aging alcoholic living in a houseboat. When the modern action hero needs help, he calls upon Billick for “one last ride.” Billick grabs his sawed-off shotgun and gives glory one more shot.

Other possibilities: executive for a relatively small telecommunications company, but a real hot shot. Thinks he can get away with anything. Major violator of inner-office harassment policy. Tells Judy her “tits look great today” and tries to justify it because he was “giving her a compliment.” Gets slapped with a lawsuit and he’s dumbfounded, as if everyone else is crazy.

Jeff Fisher, Tennessee Titans: host of weekly, low-budget fishing show on cable

Rod Marinelli, Detroit Lions: girls high school track and field coach who gets “a little too close” to the ladies, often exchanging hugs or massaging their cramped legs; parents say there’s “something about that Mr. Marinelli” but are too uncomfortable to truly broach the subject

Romeo Crennel, Cleveland Browns: Chef at a grillhouse who always gets caught eating the food. His specialty: deep-fried banana-bacon waffles.

Other possibilities: fat-yet-strong professional mover who wears coveralls and sweats a lot; smokey pool hall manager who gives youths advice to keep them out of trouble; bartender in a tough part of town who wears a towel over his shoulder and tells scrappers to “take it outside.”

Herm Edwards, Kansas City Chiefs: office manager who always delivers ridiculous speeches like “You’re killing me, guys. Killing me. We gotta pick it up now!” for mundane stuff like forgetting to call the copier repair guy so now he won’t be here until four; laughs too hard at his own bad jokes, slaps the back of guy next to him; entire staff hates him

Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers: wannabe-hardass high school principal who commands no respect and gets pelted with paper airplanes during assemblies.

Other possibilities: politician rocked by scandal (weakness for the flesh)

Cam Cameron, Miami Dolphins: host of Action News at 6 on Rochester 4

Other possibilities: bullshit self-help guru, televangelist

Tony Dungy, Indianapolis Colts: creepy background character in a gangster or prison movie; quiet and wiry, he is covered in tattoos and always wears a wife-beater; nicknamed “Whisper” because of his quiet demeanour and silent killing method of knives; in one gruesome scene, stabs a guy in the stomach and spills his guts everywhere. Then licks some blood off the knife


Kevin said...

Cam Cameron - handicapped person, University test subject?

Anonymous said...

One of your best pieces of work. You guys have to send this out to every NFL fan site. It's a classic. Had me laughing out loud.

Denomme said...

So...wait, it sounds like Brian Billick's 'other possibility' is him being Isiah Thomas.

Pure gold overall fellas.

Denomme said...

So...wait, it sounds like Brian Billick's 'other possibility' is him being Isiah Thomas.

Pure gold overall, fellas. I LOLed, as they say.

Spirit of Jake Plummer said...

Haha, incredible Denomme. I never realized that yes, Billick's "Other posibliities" is 100 per cent Isiah Thomas. I swear it was purely accidental.



Hayesism said...

Fucking phenomenal fellas. Couple of borderline Hayes eruptions; ABT and Brice are looking at me like I'm retarded.
Keep it up.

Smarter Sports Blog said...

Way to cap it off with Tony "Whisper" Dungy.
Smarter Sports Blog

Unfrozen-caveman said...

Mmmm... Deepfried banana bacon waffles. I love the fact you made Lovie a Janitor. Priceless.

DC said...

What no Belichick? Was his role as the Uni-bomber too easy a call? Or maybe hes the arrogant college econimics professor, who thinks everyone is too stupid for his class.

Anonymous said...

Excellent stuff!! You made me more than chuckle this AM. Sorry you didn't have a pic of Belichick and Mike Tomlin. Can we expect more ? THANKS!!!

Spirit of Jake Plummer said...

Tomlin didn't quite make the cut...we had him pegged as a motivational speaker type, though. Belichick fit into the same category as John Fox -- "guys who look too much like a football coach to be anything else."

Glad you enjoyed it.

Travis said...

Tomlin = Omar Epps stunt double

Anonymous said...

I see Dungy as the well-to-do father of a young woman who is upset with the fact his daughter is in love with a guy from the “wrong side of the tracks”. The guy has a heart of gold, but his rebellious nature and strong will have always held him back. Until, that is, the undying love of the man’s daughter and Dungy’s sage-like wisdom (“I’ve been in your shoes son, you have to overcome”) turn his life around.

Anonymous said...

Childress: Pedophile is brilliant.

Nolan looks like one of those new york stock guys talking on his bluetooth... good work

Spirit of Jake Plummer said...

Hahaha, all good calls. I like the Dungy as well-to-do father because it's elaborate. Nolan as a stock broker on his Blackberry is perfect.

Also, wow... Tomlin and Omar Epps... totally. Never noticed that before.

Chris said...

Childress and Marinelli made me choke on the cheese fries I was trying to eat at the office. One of the girls thought she was going to have to give me the heimlich.

Anonymous said...

My favorite had to be Jack Del Rio...a dead-on call..hilarious!

Darren said...

WOW....this is awesome. When I saw Crennel, first thing that came to mind was "Butcher"...dude who cuts up the meat, and tries to have normal conversation at the same time

Seven Seconds! said...

Nice work fellas. First time reader. Just in case you didn't know, you were the second link on's Clicks of the day. Hilarious shit.

Alex said...

Joe Gibbs

The grandfather that always kinda creeps you out although you're not sure why.

Anonymous said...

What about Tom Coughlin as a women's shoe salesman who is married to a redhead with a stoner daughter and a gangsta wannabe son a.k.a. Al Bundy.

Anonymous said...

I was thinking of tom coughlin as an enron-like exec - looks concerned but is just riding the organization into the ground and waiting to bail with a huge golden parachute.

Anonymous said...

Why did Lovie have to be a custodian? African-Americans have moved past working the unskilled labor positions.

Brad said...

Lovie reminds me of a character from the old Clint Eastwood movie "Escape from Alcatraz".

Anonymous said...

I think Mike McCarthy looks more like the shift runner at a McDonald's. He doesn't quite have what it takes to be the Manager. I could see him wearing the paper hat and yelling, "Fries are done" just like the pimply faced teenager on the Simpsons.

Anonymous said...

Pissed my pants...outstanding stuff.

Fret said...

"nailed the hammer on the head?" - WTF? Think about the analogy you're trying to make and what you've actually said :-)

Sean Payton - high strung high school math teacher and golf coach, had a little taste of the Tour but didn't have enough talent to get very far before giving up the dream and returning to his home town to teach/coach. Lives in the past, constantly bringing up and whipping everyone stories of his own NCAA championship. Slave driver coach who expects his high school kids to have a professional level practice regimine, complete with 6am practice on school days.

Anonymous said...

What about Joe Gibbs as a struggling entrepreneur in hopes of making a splash in the dog-eat-dog world of the poulty industry. Being the main rival of Mr. Frank Purdue.

And Scott Linehan being casted as Corky in the remake of Life Goes On.

Anonymous said...

Lane Kiffin - The star of "Doogie Howser MD: The Adult Years"

Mike Tomlin - don't know the job, but he looks like Gizmo from "Gremlins"

Tim said...

Please add "Professional NFL Coach" for alternate job possibilities under Dick Jauron. Thanks.

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Christian Martin said...

Still one of the best columns ever on this blog. How about an update for today's coaches ?