Summarizing Week 2 in 50 Words or Less:
Everyone was aghast about CameraGate. In between, some football games happened. The best game on paper, New England-San Diego, was a bust. Cleveland-Cincinnati turned out to be the best, though nobody noticed till midway through the third quarter. The Pats are being fitted for their Super Bowl rings on Wednesday.
Musings/observations/things we thought when we were drunk:
● Derek Anderson threw six touchdown passes. On purpose. Six. Derek Anderson. Touchdowns. For the Browns.
Is he poising himself for a Disney-inspired, Kurt Warner-esque storybook journey? Sure, why not? Except, instead of his tale ending with him scoring the game-winning touchdown in the Super Bowl and winning the girl of his dreams back from the slimy rival quarterback, it’ll probably end with four interceptions against the Raiders this weekend, a disenchanted Dawg Pound member stabbing Anderson in the kidney with a broken pool cue, and the closest he’ll come to marrying the girl of his dreams will be the time he made out with that chick with the wooden leg in the bathroom at Long John Silver’s. Funny. That’s pretty much how the Kurt Warner tale ended.
● We’re not sure what they did to deserve it, but
● Quiz: who turtles more? Rams receivers or Colts receivers? We even saw Dallas Clark pulling a
● Morten Anderson is back. Some dads buy sports cars during their mid-life crisis. Morten Anderson plays professional football (if you can call it that in
● We planned to put the Cleveland Browns on the Douchemeter this week for trading Charlie Frye immediately after getting slaughtered by
And did anyone notice the Cards upset Frye’s new team, the Seahawks, on Sunday?
● While we’re on the subject, the real story out of Sunday’s 51-45 Browns-Bengals game isn’t Cleveland’s offence – Jamal Lewis will be lucky if he breaks another six-yard run this year, let alone a 66-yarder. The story is Cincy’s milquetoast defence (yeah, we said milquetoast. Look it up, dingus). It reminded us of a kid in the last game of his Madden season, trying to puff up his guys’ stats, so he keeps purposely allowing TDs so he can get the ball back. When the ball’s in the air to the “lightning-fast” Joe Jurevicius, the kid takes control of the defender and moves him out of the way so Jurevicius waltzes in for his second score of the day. Gross.
● Lions quarterback Jon Kitna says he felt the “hand of God,” enable him to return from a concussion and rally the Lions to an overtime victory over
B) Is that the same hand of God that made you an extremely mediocre quarterback who’s only thrown more touchdowns than picks in a season three times in 10 years? Or is it the same hand of God that’s guided you to a Rob Johnson-esque career 76.4 passer rating (oh, wait, Rob Johnson’s career rating is higher at 83.6)? Oh, maybe it was the zero career playoff wins?
C) You are not special. God has bigger problems to worry about than Jon Kitna’s concussion situation (haven’t you heard about CameraGate, dickwad? His hands are full).
● Did Jason Elam kill Gus Johnson? Allow us to explain:
We didn’t catch much of the Texans-Panthers game because A) We’re already a little sick of the sleeper-hype the Texans are getting and B) if the hype turns out to be reality, we’re not ready to live in a world where Houston is a decent football team.
Anyway, we tuned in moments after Steve Smith’s ridiculous 74-yard touchdown; Gus Johnson was calling the game and we cursed ourselves for not catching his TD call live. His explanation during the replay was surprisingly subdued, so we figured either his larynx exploded or he was on the sidelines hooked up to an oxygen tank. Problem is, when we saw the touchdown on the highlight package later that night, his real-time call had less fervour than Pat Summerall after three bong hits (for Gus, anyway). Did Gus have a stroke when he called the crazy ending to last week’s Bills-Broncos tilt? What’s up?
● It’s going to be a long season for the Dolphins. How long?
● What if LaDainian Tomlinson is suffering from the Madden curse? Think about it: there’s no way anyone but Tomlinson should have been on the cover this year. LT is arguably the most visible non-quarterback in the NFL. He set the single-season record for touchdowns, ate the league’s soul like a starving fat kid on a plate of chilli cheese fries, and threw for a couple of scores for good measure. When he’s only rushed for 434 yards by Week 8, then shatters his fibula, don’t say we didn’t warn you.
● Or, maybe LT’s poopy start has something to do with this:
Norv Turner’s career stats
-one playoff appearance in nine full seasons
-59-83-1 career record
-10 or more wins in a season once
-10 or more losses in a season five times
What did Turner do to get the job? The sucking dick cliché is too easy. Let’s go with… put general manager A.J. Smith’s kids through college, bought them all Power Wheels and a lifetime supply of hot dogs and agreed to crawl on the ground and bark like a dog whenever Smith wants him to. And sucked his dick.
● Joey Galloway is badass, cagey vet. Pretty sweet to see him torch guys 10 years his junior with his still-blazing speed and do his trademark bicep flex every time. It’s not even funny how much cooler he is than awkward white guys like us.
● John Madden somehow gave us some good insight during the Sunday nighter, breaking down
● Tony Romo looks very legit through two weeks, but we can’t take him seriously. The guy never, ever stops smiling. Not even when a cockroach crawled all over him on national television. He’s like the Mad magazine guy. Could you ever believe the Mad magazine guy was a serious competitor, no matter how dominant he was?
Week 2 Power Rankings:
Suicide Watch: Whose fans are ready to break down the levies like it’s the Berlin Wall?
The Saints. We knew the defense was bad, but what happened to the offence? One cannot help but draw comparisons to Britney Spears’ disastrous VMA performance. Can
Honourary Jake Plummer Award for Inexplicable Stupidity/Being a Complete Bust or Letdown/General Incompetence watch:
Each week, we’ll update our rankings of who’s in line to win this coveted annual award:
1. LaDainian Tomlinson – 35 carries, 68 yards, 1.9 avg.
Some players who have out-rushed Tomlinson thus far: Ron Dayne, Najeh Davenport, Sammy Morris, Ladell Betts and Tatum Bell.
2. Jason David, Saints cornerback – led secondary that was scorched by Jeff Garica (yeah, Jeff Garcia)
Garcia led the Bucs to a win thanks to three completions of at least 41 yards. He also completed 24 and 33-yard passes. Are we too lazy to carry out research and see if any of that was David’s fault? No. Are we still willing to make David the scapegoat? Absolutely.
3. Steven Jackson, Rams running back – 39 carries, 118 yards, 3.0 avg., two lost fumbles
How many kids does Steven Jackson have? None.* How many kids does Travis Henry have (that we know of)? Nine. Travis Henry is leading the NFL in rushing. Spread your seed, Steven. Spread your seed.
* We have no idea how many children Steven Jackson has.
4. O.J. Simpson – allegedly the ring-leader of a “commando-style” armed robbery
Use your fucking head, Juice.
5. Bengals defence – yielded 51 points to Browns in loss
So is Matt Hasselbeck going to throw 11 touchdowns this week, or what?
Moving out: Rory Seagrest, Ellis Hobbs, Charlie Frye
On the bubble: Alex Smith, the Jaguars running game, the Bills offence, Donovan McNabb, Sean Payton, Giants secondary
Predictions for Week 3:
● Joey Harrington will cry
● Now that Derek Anderson is a star, the Dolphins will try to trade for Brady Quinn.