Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The PUP: Week 2

The PUP (Probably Unfit for Print) list is our weekly NFL report.

Summarizing Week 2 in 50 Words or Less:

Everyone was aghast about CameraGate. In between, some football games happened. The best game on paper, New England-San Diego, was a bust. Cleveland-Cincinnati turned out to be the best, though nobody noticed till midway through the third quarter. The Pats are being fitted for their Super Bowl rings on Wednesday.

Musings/observations/things we thought when we were drunk:

● Derek Anderson threw six touchdown passes. On purpose. Six. Derek Anderson. Touchdowns. For the Browns.

Is he poising himself for a Disney-inspired, Kurt Warner-esque storybook journey? Sure, why not? Except, instead of his tale ending with him scoring the game-winning touchdown in the Super Bowl and winning the girl of his dreams back from the slimy rival quarterback, it’ll probably end with four interceptions against the Raiders this weekend, a disenchanted Dawg Pound member stabbing Anderson in the kidney with a broken pool cue, and the closest he’ll come to marrying the girl of his dreams will be the time he made out with that chick with the wooden leg in the bathroom at Long John Silver’s. Funny. That’s pretty much how the Kurt Warner tale ended.

● We’re not sure what they did to deserve it, but Atlanta has been screwed this year like Lindsay Lohan on ecstasy. The Braves aren’t making the playoffs, Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron’s home run record, and every Joey Harrington interception (and Matt Schaub touchdown pass) is a bitter reminder of Michael Vick. Go Thrashers?

● Quiz: who turtles more? Rams receivers or Colts receivers? We even saw Dallas Clark pulling a Franklin against Tennessee.

● Morten Anderson is back. Some dads buy sports cars during their mid-life crisis. Morten Anderson plays professional football (if you can call it that in Atlanta).

● We planned to put the Cleveland Browns on the Douchemeter this week for trading Charlie Frye immediately after getting slaughtered by Pittsburgh, like he was the reason the Browns have sucked all these years. Little did we know, Charlie Frye appears to be the greatest team cancer in the history of sports. Allow our equation to explain:

Cleveland Browns – Charlie Frye = the greatest offensive output in Browns history

And did anyone notice the Cards upset Frye’s new team, the Seahawks, on Sunday? Seattle needs to trade Charlie Frye. Now. Run!

● While we’re on the subject, the real story out of Sunday’s 51-45 Browns-Bengals game isn’t Cleveland’s offence – Jamal Lewis will be lucky if he breaks another six-yard run this year, let alone a 66-yarder. The story is Cincy’s milquetoast defence (yeah, we said milquetoast. Look it up, dingus). It reminded us of a kid in the last game of his Madden season, trying to puff up his guys’ stats, so he keeps purposely allowing TDs so he can get the ball back. When the ball’s in the air to the “lightning-fast” Joe Jurevicius, the kid takes control of the defender and moves him out of the way so Jurevicius waltzes in for his second score of the day. Gross.

● Lions quarterback Jon Kitna says he felt the “hand of God,” enable him to return from a concussion and rally the Lions to an overtime victory over Minnesota. A few things for Jon Kitna:

A) Minnesota ain’t exactly the Ritz, but what makes you think God wants to see Detroit, of all places, knock Minny down a peg? That’s like wanting to see the pimply guy in I.T. beat out the squirrelly fucker in the mailroom for a promotion to administration services assistant. Does it really matter?

B) Is that the same hand of God that made you an extremely mediocre quarterback who’s only thrown more touchdowns than picks in a season three times in 10 years? Or is it the same hand of God that’s guided you to a Rob Johnson-esque career 76.4 passer rating (oh, wait, Rob Johnson’s career rating is higher at 83.6)? Oh, maybe it was the zero career playoff wins?

C) You are not special. God has bigger problems to worry about than Jon Kitna’s concussion situation (haven’t you heard about CameraGate, dickwad? His hands are full).

● Did Jason Elam kill Gus Johnson? Allow us to explain:

We didn’t catch much of the Texans-Panthers game because A) We’re already a little sick of the sleeper-hype the Texans are getting and B) if the hype turns out to be reality, we’re not ready to live in a world where Houston is a decent football team.

Anyway, we tuned in moments after Steve Smith’s ridiculous 74-yard touchdown; Gus Johnson was calling the game and we cursed ourselves for not catching his TD call live. His explanation during the replay was surprisingly subdued, so we figured either his larynx exploded or he was on the sidelines hooked up to an oxygen tank. Problem is, when we saw the touchdown on the highlight package later that night, his real-time call had less fervour than Pat Summerall after three bong hits (for Gus, anyway). Did Gus have a stroke when he called the crazy ending to last week’s Bills-Broncos tilt? What’s up?

Denver’s defence is potentially terrifying. In the first quarter against Oakland, the Raiders faced a third down on their own one. The Broncos said “Fuck you,” loaded up the line of scrimmage, left Champ Bailey and Dre Bly one-on-one outside, and forced a hurried throw by Josh McCown that was picked off by Bailey. Yeah, we know, it’s Josh McCown. But watch out.

● It’s going to be a long season for the Dolphins. How long? Miami fan Kev the Intern eschewed words to describe his feelings, instead sending us a video of a stickman dousing himself in gasoline and setting himself on fire. At least Trent Green and Ted Ginn Jr. are working out. Right? Oh, yeah… right.

● What if LaDainian Tomlinson is suffering from the Madden curse? Think about it: there’s no way anyone but Tomlinson should have been on the cover this year. LT is arguably the most visible non-quarterback in the NFL. He set the single-season record for touchdowns, ate the league’s soul like a starving fat kid on a plate of chilli cheese fries, and threw for a couple of scores for good measure. When he’s only rushed for 434 yards by Week 8, then shatters his fibula, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

● Or, maybe LT’s poopy start has something to do with this:

Norv Turner’s career stats

-one playoff appearance in nine full seasons

-59-83-1 career record

-10 or more wins in a season once

-10 or more losses in a season five times

What did Turner do to get the job? The sucking dick cliché is too easy. Let’s go with… put general manager A.J. Smith’s kids through college, bought them all Power Wheels and a lifetime supply of hot dogs and agreed to crawl on the ground and bark like a dog whenever Smith wants him to. And sucked his dick.

● Is it just us or are the new Chargers unis frighteningly similar to the Sabres’ Buffaslug getups?

● Joey Galloway is badass, cagey vet. Pretty sweet to see him torch guys 10 years his junior with his still-blazing speed and do his trademark bicep flex every time. It’s not even funny how much cooler he is than awkward white guys like us.

● John Madden somehow gave us some good insight during the Sunday nighter, breaking down New England’s cheating process. Well, even Alzheimer's patients remember stuff once in a while. And a “special kid” could beat you at Connect Four if you were watching Robocop 2 at the same time and got distracted. It happens. Now let’s move on.

● Tony Romo looks very legit through two weeks, but we can’t take him seriously. The guy never, ever stops smiling. Not even when a cockroach crawled all over him on national television. He’s like the Mad magazine guy. Could you ever believe the Mad magazine guy was a serious competitor, no matter how dominant he was?

Week 2 Power Rankings:

1. New England Patriots: With another win, mainstream media will demand season be ceased and Pats immediately crowned 2007 champions

2. Indianapolis Colts: Commercial whoring not hindering Peyton’s play

3. Cleveland Browns: When not fixing Jon Kitna’s concussion, hand of God is guiding Derek Anderson touchdown passes to open Browns receivers

4-32: Meh.

Suicide Watch: Whose fans are ready to break down the levies like it’s the Berlin Wall?

The Saints. We knew the defense was bad, but what happened to the offence? One cannot help but draw comparisons to Britney Spears’ disastrous VMA performance. Can New Orleans regain its sexy teenager form, a tight little package that gyrates and eye-fucks you, provoking fans young and old to furiously masturbate? Or is it destined to become fat and sluggish, stumbling from one team to the next, barely conscious and settling for field goals/Kevin Federline?

Honourary Jake Plummer Award for Inexplicable Stupidity/Being a Complete Bust or Letdown/General Incompetence watch:

Each week, we’ll update our rankings of who’s in line to win this coveted annual award:

1. LaDainian Tomlinson – 35 carries, 68 yards, 1.9 avg.

Some players who have out-rushed Tomlinson thus far: Ron Dayne, Najeh Davenport, Sammy Morris, Ladell Betts and Tatum Bell.

2. Jason David, Saints cornerback – led secondary that was scorched by Jeff Garica (yeah, Jeff Garcia)

Garcia led the Bucs to a win thanks to three completions of at least 41 yards. He also completed 24 and 33-yard passes. Are we too lazy to carry out research and see if any of that was David’s fault? No. Are we still willing to make David the scapegoat? Absolutely.

3. Steven Jackson, Rams running back – 39 carries, 118 yards, 3.0 avg., two lost fumbles

How many kids does Steven Jackson have? None.* How many kids does Travis Henry have (that we know of)? Nine. Travis Henry is leading the NFL in rushing. Spread your seed, Steven. Spread your seed.

* We have no idea how many children Steven Jackson has.

4. O.J. Simpson – allegedly the ring-leader of a “commando-style” armed robbery

Use your fucking head, Juice.

5. Bengals defence – yielded 51 points to Browns in loss

So is Matt Hasselbeck going to throw 11 touchdowns this week, or what?

Moving out: Rory Seagrest, Ellis Hobbs, Charlie Frye

On the bubble: Alex Smith, the Jaguars running game, the Bills offence, Donovan McNabb, Sean Payton, Giants secondary

Predictions for Week 3:

● Joey Harrington will cry

New England will beat the Bills 38-14

● Now that Derek Anderson is a star, the Dolphins will try to trade for Brady Quinn. Cleveland will laugh. Kev the Intern will shove a syringe full of windshield fluid into his jugular. Spirit of Jake Plummer staff will laugh


Anonymous said...

Great column. Love the PUP

Malcolm said...

Hahaha I love these things... some of your guys' best writing.

On a side note, after reading the Bills parts, I hate my life. Then again, I've hated my life pretty much continually since the Elam kick, so I guess it's not you fault.

Hayesism said...

yeah, PUP is definitely like A1 sauce on a steak, or a really good blowjob = phenomenal.

the cowboys should be in your power rankings. they are looking GREAT thus far.

James Hayes has re-joined "Tony Romo for President 2008" hahaha