Monday, September 17, 2007

Douchemeter: Ricciardi applauds Gibbons' mediocrity, is an asshole

Each Monday, we review the douche-iest things in sports:

1. J.P. RICCIARDI – And we quote: "Gibby's done a good job -- he's been keeping us at .500," Jays G.M. Ricciardi said Friday. "The other thing is, for one week there, we played meaningful games in the early part of September.”

Jays manager John Gibbons has done a good job? Because he’s kept an underachieving Jays squad at .500? Seriously? Because, “for one week there,” the Jays were (sort of, but not really) in playoff contention?

That’s just great, J.P. That’s the kind of leadership we need to see atop the franchise. Gibbons could diddle a bus full of school children and Ricciardi would say it’s okay because “for one week there, he wasn’t diddling children.”

2. THE RAVAGES OF TIME – Blazers top pick Greg Oden’s rookie season ended before he played a game after he had microfracture surgery on his knee last week. Can’t an old man live out his dream and play in the NBA before he gracefully passes on to another plane of existence without his creaky, wonky old knees getting in the way? Damn you, Father Time. Damn you to hell.

3. DANE COOK – What’s with those annoying-as-hell baseball “pennant chase” ads with Dane Cook yelling at us? What does he know about baseball? A quote from Hurk sums it up:

“Just because he’s loud and has exaggerated mannerisms and is in my face doesn’t mean he’s funny. I want to punch him in the face and kick him in the skin patch where his dick should be.”

4. HURK – Did you enjoy seeing Michigan pump Notre Dame on Saturday? Hurk didn’t. He was too busy art shopping with his girlfriend. Seriously. Art shopping. Put on his cutest sundress and perused paintings all day. He even bought one, for Christ’s sake. “It’s Mexican,” he said, reapplying his lipstick. Then he called Larkin an “uncultured fuck.” Okay, SOJP readers, raise your hand if you’re not an uncultured fuck. That’s right. Glad you enjoyed the football game. Except for you, Kev. Raise your hand. We know you had a ballroom dancing lesson on Saturday.

5. O.J. SIMPSON – Where to begin? Although, it is pretty funny O.J. could go to jail for stealing back stuff he was forced to sell so he could pay restitution to the Goldman family because civil court said he was responsible for their deaths… even though he was deemed innocent in criminal court. Three cheers for justice!

6. BILL BELICHICK – In college, one of Belichick’s cleverest cheating tricks was copying entire textbooks onto his tits and peaking down his hoodie when stumped for an answer.

7. EAST LAKE GOLF CLUB – East Lake tamed the PGA’s best in the TOUR Championship Presented by Coca-Cola (yep, that’s what it’s called) on the weekend, holding Tiger to a paltry 23-under and stifling the likes of Zach Johnson and Sergio Garcia, both of whom couldn’t even crack 15-under par. Tiger’s key to victory: avoiding the windmill at no. 4 and squeezing his neon-green ball into the pirate ship on the first try at no. 17. Hurk’s mom wasn’t so lucky: she took three tries to get through the clown’s mouth on no. 11 and finished with an ugly 64.

8. CRAPPY SCRAMBLING CFL QUARTERBACKS – Face it, folks. The scrambler has been largely unsuccessful in pro football. Even the “best” – say, McNabb, Culpepper and Cunningham – have no championships to show for it. Most of the scramblers are carted out onto the frozen tundra of the CFL and left there to die. The latest to crawl back over the border: Casey Printers, fresh off the Kansas City Chiefs practice squad. CFL scramblers, go take your high school football coaching job and get it over with. You’ll probably lead St. Christopher Secondary School to a 4-4 record. Congrats, you pieces of shit.

9. THAT GUY WHO LIKES ERIC HINSKE – During a 4-3 Yankee win over Boston, a fan dashed onto the field at Fenway and chased Hinske during a seventh-inning double before trying to high-five the him and stealing Robinson Cano’s hat. A few observations:

A. With Papi, Manny, et al on the Red Sox, couldn’t the guy have found a better player to high-five?

B. Hinkse was probably confused not because a fan was on the field, but because he’s never been approached by one before.

C. Don’t you think the dude probably could have passed Hinske on the basepath?

D. Eric Hinske is a fat fish-man.

10. LEVANCE FIELDS – The University of Pittsburgh point guard was subdued by a stun gun after trying to grab an off-duty police officer’s weapon. Hey, if you’re going to act like a big dick, at least get your own gun.


T-MAC said...

That quote from Hurk sums up himself better than Dane Cook!

Mark P said...

Mexican art = framed poster of Salma Hayek. Hurk is culturing himself to it every night.

Jake said...

I agree on both counts.


Cait said...

I guess the girlfriend (me) shouldn't get offended by the art shopping comments. Sorry boys, one day you'll all get roped into doing this shit... you just might not decide to admit it to the world.

P.S... it's a great painting!

Kevin said...

If Dancing with the Stars has taught us anything, its that male dancers can be super cool.

Emmitt Smith, Jerry Rice, Kev the Intern.


Mike Larkin said...

Cait, forcing your guy to shop for art is just, well, gay. Unless you're a chick, in which it case it's just...ah, it's still gay.

Anonymous said...

Wow...girlfiend coming onto the board to defend you....that seriously ups your Douche rating....

-- Larkin

Paul Barnes said...

I would defend Hurk too, but the "art" probably isn't Jessica Alba in various states of undress, which is true art. So, in conclusion, Plato was wrong about art.