Thursday, August 9, 2007

Thursday Challenge: Ranking NFL quarterbacks by attractiveness (what?)


Well, it’s time for Thursday Challenge, and apparently we’re already moving into “Let’s embarrass the other guy with it as much as possible” territory. Basically, it went down like this:

LARKIN: Buddy, do you have any problems with your sexuality?
HURK: Uh, no, I don’t think so.
LARKIN: So you’re not homophobic or anything?
HURK: Haha, no, of course not, why do you ask?
LARKIN: Ok, Thursday Challenge: rank every starting NFL quarterback by attractiveness.
HURK: …

Oh, well. A Thursday Challenge is a Thursday Challenge. Remember, while my evaluations are subjective, you are an idiot and everything I say goes (besides, I doubt we’ll get a lot of debate about this one on the message board).

Let the science begin:

HOTTIES
1. Tom Brady, NE - Obviously.

2. Vince Young, TEN -- Tall, strong and handsome, VY is just straight up a good looking cat.

3. Phillip Rivers, SD -- A nice, friendly looking person. Rivers seems like the “older brother” type, the guy with a 14-year-old sister whose friends come over for sleepovers just to fawn over him.

4. Byron Leftwich, JAX - I’ve seen multiple interviews and he’s got a great personality. He’s a nice guy with a big smile, but he was kind of soft, like the dude in high school who all the girls said is cute and somebody should date (but would never date themselves). He finally got tired of being the nice guy, worked out all summer, lost some weight, and now all the chicks want into his girdle.

5. Brady Quinn, CLE - I’ll acknowledge him this high because I know most chicks dig him, but I can’t help but think he’s a little elf-like.

6. Tony Romo, DAL - Romo has already exchanged semen for vaginal fluids with Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood. He’s doing fine.

7. Matt Leinart, ARI - The scruffy Leinart is a serial celebrity banger (though, I suppose it’s not difficult to hump Paris Hilton; Penis? Check), so he deserves to be up here.

ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH TO BE ON TV, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO DATE SOMEONE ON TV
8. Chad Pennington, NYJ - Sure, his athleticism is uninspiring -- my mom can throw a ball farther -- and he's almost a little goofy looking, but he’s a Rhodes Scholar, and brains are sexy too.

9. Daunte Culpepper, OAK - He’s got a good smile, seems like one of those fun lovin’ types (see: Minnesota Love Boat).

10. Drew Brees, NO - I’d have him higher if I wasn’t so distracted by that thing on his face.

11. Jason Campbell, WAS - A good looking kid. I feel he should eschew the moustache and goatee split for a full out goatee, but to each his own.

SLEEPERS
12. Tarvaris Jackson, MIN - He needs to smile more. Here he looks kind of mean, but here is pretty good.

13. Carson Palmer, CIN - Some hair gel might go a long way.

GOLDEN GIRLS DIVISION
14. Steve McNair, BAL - He looks a lot younger than he is, more handsome that hot. Though I feel like he’d be clumsy and accident prone around the house, which would be a turn off.

15. Brett Favre, GB - Not your traditional, All-American golden boy. Think Marlboro Man, with a scruffy Favre leaning against some cedar rails on his ranch (try not to think about him riding a lawn tractor around his Mississippi property wearing a sleeveless T-shirt).

16. Matt Hasselbeck, SEA - Sorry, Matt, but you lose points for losing your hair.

GUYS WHO PROBABLY THINK THEY'RE HOT SHIT
17. Matt Schaub, TEX - He’s kind of sleepy looking, isn’t he? And that grin. Maybe he's the stoner on your floor that was always wearing flip flops no matter what the weather was?

18. Ben Roethlisberger, PIT - With the goatee, backwards hat and sleeveless shirts, Big Ben reminds me of your average drunken frat boy.

19. Jeff Garcia, TB - I really don’t see anything special in Garcia but, for what it’s worth, he is nailing a former Playmate of the Year.

AWKWARD WHITE GUYS
20. Marc Bulger, STL; Damon Huard, KC; Jake Delhomme, CAR; Trent Green, MIA - Can you really tell Bulger, Huard, Delhomme and Green apart? At first glance, you’d guess each was a dad of three and sold insurance for a living.

MANNINGS
24. Eli Manning, NYG - He looks like somebody’s dopey kid brother that you’re a dick to and make play goalie in road hockey, but he really hates it and sucks so every few minutes, when he tries to quit, you have to say “No, Eli, you’re doing good buddy, c’mon, don’t leave!” At least Eli finally beat his brother at something.

25. Peyton Manning, IND - If only he were as pretty as one of his long-bomb spirals.

STEVE BUSCEMI DIVISION
26. Michael Vick, ATL - There’s a bit of a cocky snarl in Vick’s face, the shady type who’d kick your dog while you weren’t looking. Or body slam and electrocute it. Whatever works.

27. Donovan McNabb, PHI - He always seems to be wearing a T-shirt and a messy ’fro. And his face is too big. I don’t like it.

28. Jon Kitna, DET - Pretty sure he's a Nazi.

29. Rex Grossman, CHI - I feel like Grossman is a little sloppy under his pads, like the freshman who’d never drank before university and went to way too many keggers and put on 16 pounds. And he has a small, squinty face or something.

30. Jay Cutler, DEN - Not a pretty man. I don’t think even if he got a haircut that worked for this decade would help.

31. J.P. Losman, BUF - A real-life Bobby Boucher.

32. Alex Smith, SF - The best way to describe him is "goblin-like."

Ok, there’s your list, Larkin, you fucking prick. You can look forward to your challenge for next week: List in ascending order each starting NFL running back you’d most like to perform oral sex on if you had a gun held to your head. I’m now going to go reaffirm my manliness and masturbate to some lesbian porn.

5 comments:

malcolm said...

Hahaha, beautiful, Hurk. I'm proud of you for the guts.

Anyone else notice there seems to be a correlation between how good a QB is and how highly he was ranked? There are some obvious exceptions (e.g. Peyton), but your top three are all studs and the Buscemi Division's littered with crappy quarterbacks.

Mark P said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mark P said...

Remember when Elvis Grbac made People's Most Beautiful People list? Elvis Grbac! I know they pick one or two token athletes for the list, but seriously, he was the best they could find?

I look forward to a follow-up post of Larkin picking which MLB pitchers and catchers would be 'pitchers' and 'catchers' if they were homosexuals.

Anonymous said...

Malc, I was actually gonna add to the piece and discuss the correlation b/w QB attractiveness and QB quality. I deleted it because a) I was worried the piece was getting too long and b) I had searched through enough pictures of NFL quarterbacks for one day.

The biggest surprise, to me, was Alex Smith. When I whipped up my pre-rankings (without using pics) I had him very middle of the pack. Wow. He is an ugly man.

I do agree with you about the rankings though, there does seem to be some sort of good looking/winning relationship. It makes sense, though. Ugly people are miserable failures. It's science.

-Hurk

malcolm said...

Yeah, I can't say I'm surprised winners came off more attractive. Touchdowns are sexy, right? (Oh, wait, I wouldn't know. As a Bills fan, I haven't seen many of them for a few years.)