Last night’s studs:
1. GARRET ANDERSON – Only 10 RBI last night? Why not 2,304,3045,734? What the fuck, Garret?
2. LARRY JOHNSON – Fantasy nerds are masturbating all over their preview magazines. L.J. finally signed. No more Frank Gore and his broken hand going in the top three. Funny how L.J. means so much more to fantasy than he does to the Chiefs right now. They’ll be as successful as Drew Carey on The Price is Right. No, worse. As successful as Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football. No, worse. As successful as Poland.
3. JOSE OFFERMAN AND HIS LAWYER – They get points for vivid imagination. They’re seriously challenging Offerman’s arrest for last week’s bat attack, despite photographs showing him swinging the bat at opponents. Hey, it worked for O.J.
AND ONE GUY WHO WON’T BE DOG-SITTING FOR US ANY TIME SOON: STEPHON MARBURY – He publicly defended the Dogslayer yesterday, claiming athletes get unfair scrutiny. Sure, he was right in claiming we should be tough on hunters who shoot animals for sport too, but defending Vick? Come on. Stick to what you know, Starbury. Like selling $14 sneakers made of crack. And missing forced jumpshots. And hosting horrible TV shows no one watches.