Is it just us, or is the summertime sports schedule blander than a two-hour video of Tim Duncan eating Melba toast?
We love baseball as much as anyone, but enough of the monotony; we need a little flavour in our lives. One can only take so much of watching Josh Towers pitch every five days or Sportscentre leading off with Tour de France coverage.
As such, Larkin challenged Hurk to list 41 random reasons to look forward to the NFL’s return.
“Forty-one reasons,” mocked Hurk. “Surely, you underestimate me.”
1. The first time Sportscentre shows this.
2. The first time a head coach tops this.
3. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann.
4. Watching the next chapter of Eli Manning’s gradual mental breakdown as he continues realizing he’s not his brother and he hates football.
5. Watching an artery in Tom Coughlin’s head explode during an interview with Bonnie Bernstein, showering the reporter’s shirt with blood. B-squared is forced to finish the broadcast topless.
6. Mike Holmgren missing most of the third quarter against Philadelphia because he ate four cheesesteaks before the game and couldn’t get off the can.
7. Edgerrin James committing suicide after his request for a trade to Indy is denied.
8. The Bengals signing Andy Reid’s kids.
9. Cris Collinsworth calling decisions “inexcusable” and being in complete disbelief every time someone does something stupid.
10. Herm Edwards trying to manage the clock.
11. Steve McNair being hit and losing control of his bowels on the field. We can only pray he’ll be wearing white pants.
12. Bill Simmons’ stubborn refusal to acknowledge LaDainian Tomlinson as LT.
13. Analysts’ stubborn refusal to compare white receivers to black receivers (“Kevin Curtis really reminds me of Ed McCaffrey”) .
14. A formal apology from Minneapolis police after bringing in Brad Childress on kiddie-diddlin’ charges.
15. Roger Goodell tightening his dictatorial grip on the league and throwing himself a Hitler-esque midseason parade.
16. The late-season flexible schedule.
17. Hitting Ralph Wilson Stadium for Bills-Pats and our buddy Malcolm, a Buffalo fan, getting trashed off three beers. Inside, he’ll comment that he didn’t know the Bills got new uniforms, which he thinks are terrible -- while New England is warming up.
18. Jerome Bettis getting so fat he’ll have to work from his own studio, which is really just a large pile of soiled mattresses surrounded by cameras.
19. Jeremy Shockey patronizing somebody’s culture, race, religion, sexual orientation, fashion sense or pet, then dropping three balls in his next game.
20. Games that actually affect the bigger picture.
21. When people start trying to justify why their surefire sleeper teams didn’t make the playoffs (see: 2006 Arizona Cardinals, 2007 Detroit Lions).
22. LenDale White suffering a heart attack and dying on the field after this fourth consecutive carry. Ron Dayne sympathizes.
23. Chris Henry drawing a gun from his handwarmer and shooting Ed Reed in the face on route to the end zone in his Week 10 return against Baltimore. During the ensuing celebration, Henry is stabbed in the kidney and killed. No killer is found, though Ray Lewis is quickly whisked away in a field cart after the incident and claims to have seen nothing.
24. Ocho Cinco.
25. Searching for Jake Plummer’s replacement as my new favourite whipping boy (I’m watching you, Jake Delhomme).
26. Jon Gruden effectively ending my search by coaxing Jake Plummer out of retirement in Week 4 (cross your fingers!).
27. Michael Vick. Anything to do with Michael Vick.
28. Players actually believing God gives a shit about who wins a football game.
29. Ed Hochuli punching out Todd Pinkston after the receiver bumps the official over a pass interference call.
30. Peyton Manning having a career year for commercials filmed.
32. Snow games.
33. Rex Grossman not completing a pass until Week 3 (the Bears will be 2-1).
34. Buffalo fans finally saying “Fuck it, I don’t care anymore” and just getting up and walking out of the stadium midseason, never to return again.
35. That fat guy in Minnesota who dresses like a Viking.
36. Matt Leinart going on the IR in November with gonorrhea.
37. My Dad quitting on the Jets by Week 3, getting back on the wagon by Week 9, and quitting football entirely by Week 10.
38. Commentators freebasing Brett Favre’s scrotum and explaining his 40-yard interception “is just as good as a punt.”
39. Spending 13 consecutive hung-over hours on the couch on Sundays, with the most difficult decision of the day being one of the following: a) should I get up and take a leak now or try and hold off for another hour? or b) wings or pizza?
40. Not being so desperate for website content that I have to write absurdly inane lists about leagues that don’t begin for two months.
41. NO JOE THEISMANN.