Thursday, July 26, 2007

Three Stars (and one piece of donkey shit masquerading as a sporting event): our favourite Martin calls it a career

Last night's studs:

1. CURTIS MARTIN -- The long-time New York Jet is calling it quits after an amazing, relatively under-the-radar career. Martin should be remembered not for his five Pro Bowls, 14,101 yards, or mental toughness that allowed him to play for Bill Parcells so long he could write a 500-page report documenting the Tuna’s breast development over the past decade. Rather, he should be remembered for how he carried himself on and off the field.

When asked to name some of the greatest backs in NFL history, few would immediately consider Martin, but his yardage ranks him fourth all-time on the rushing list. He never got into trouble and celebrated touchdowns by flipping the ball to the ref and heading for the bench. Finally, Curtis Martin is getting his due, forever immortalized with a star on Spirit of Jake Plummer.

2. RYAN RABURN – You just bought MLB 2K7 for PS3. You create your own guy, max out his rating, and park him on the Tigers. Then you mash 2 HR and 7 RBI in one game with him. Pretty cool, eh? That actually happened. Tigers rookie Raburn, who had roughly 40 big-league ABs before yesterday, mashed a pair of homers and knocked in seven. He had a sacrifice bunt in the first inning, then got the green light to put his 99 power rating and 99 contact rating to work. Note: Larkin hit 4 HR in an MLB 2K game with his dog yesterday. Eat that, Raburn.

3. THE SIXTH-INNING BLUE JAYS -- The Jays are doing what any self-respecting collection of jerks who don’t really care about winning would do: win just enough games in the second half to finish slightly above .500, giving the fans and ownership hope and ensuring people who aren’t even qualified to run your local Dairy Queen (hint: their names rhyme with A.D. Baccardi and Ron Hibbons), let alone a Major League baseball team, save their jobs for next season.

But hey, at least they’re doing it in style. Toronto ate Minnesota’s soul in the 11-run sixth inning yesterday, en route to a 13-1 victory. Toronto has won a season-high five in a row and is a game above .500. Sadly, Jon Gibbons thinks it’s Groundhog Day and that he keeps waking up to relive the same win over and over, because he knows there’s no way in hell he’s actually coached this team to consecutive “Ws”.

AND ONE PIECE OF DONKEY SHIT MASQUERADING AS A SPORTING EVENT: THE TOUR DE FRANCE. And we thought getting caught masturbating to Facebook was pathetic. The Tour de France hits a new low every day. Yesterday it booted race leader Michael Rasmussen, who tested positive for an illegal drug transfusion. Poor France is quitting on cycling; reports that one French newspaper printed a mock obituary for the race itself. Funny thing is that we don’t really care if the race disappears, even though so many other people do. It’s like seeing our moms cry when Murphy Brown got cancelled.


Seanvdb said...

Rasmussen didn't get booted for testing positive, his team booted him because he lied about his pre-race whereabouts.

Some Italian guy got busted for a transfusion.

Kevin said...

Well, we don't know if he tested positive bcs he skipped 2 drug tests, and then lied about his whereabouts during those tests thus breaking team rules.

If there's anyone doping in the tour, I want to meet him. As well, there are calls in France for the tour to be cancelled this year, mid-race.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I mixed up the two teammates. Once again, this shows how much SOJP cares about the Tour de France.

- Larkin