Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Three Stars (and one country that should climb into a double-decker bus and drive off a cliff): Wilkerson jacks three bombs

Last night's studs:

1. BRAD WILKERSON -- The Texas Rangers outfielder smashed three homers and drove in six runners last night. To clarify: Brad Wilkerson hit three homers in one game. Brad Wilkerson knocked the baseball into the stands with his stick thrice. On purpose. Holy crap. And we wonder why tsunamis and hurricanes and terrorism are happening in the world.

2. JAROME IGINLA -- Iggy, the NHL's bring-home-to-mom posterboy, signed a five-year contract extension with the Calgary Flames today.

"There are a lot of great hockey cities. For the fans and the passion, there isn't a city that beats Calgary," Iginla said.

What a guy. In an era where mercs like Kariya sign with basement dwellers to get extra coin, it's comforting to know loyal guys like Iggy still exist.

3. BILLY BUTLER -- The Royals rook did his best Brad Wilkerson impression yesterday, driving home six runs. That reminds us -- remember when BRAD WILKERSON HIT THREE HOME RUNS LAST NIGHT? What the fuck?

AND ONE COUNTRY THAT SHOULD CLIMB INTO A DOUBLE-DECKER BUS AND DRIVE OFF A CLIFF: ENGLAND -- Thanks to those snobby, dental hygiene-deficient Brits, Wimbledon is an absolute disaster (again).

England’s gloomy weather and frequent showers have turned the situation “ghastly,” said tournament referee Andrew Jarrett -- Christ, who uses the term “ghastly”? -- as 177 matches have been backlogged thus far, including 13 in singles.

Moreover, blockades were set up in front of the All England Club on Sunday to tighten security after two foiled car bombings in London and an attack on Glasgow’s airport.

Since it’s starting to sound a little too much like the Iran over there, Spirit of Jake Plummer is officially declaring England a member of the Axis until the Centre Court’s retractable roof is ready in 2009.

1 comment:

malcolm said...

I love that you actually just blamed the British for the fact that it rains a lot in their country.