Thursday, July 26, 2007

Three Stars (and one pitcher who's getting lit up like the Griswolds' house at Christmas these days): Man Rampage

Last night's studs:

1. MANNY RAMIREZ -- He mashed two more bombs last night. In 15 games since the all-star break, he's hitting .415 with six homers and 19 RBI. Better yet, he's pimping his blasts as much as ever. It's tough to top Manny's trademark "Fuck you, pitcher" when he stares at the ground as soon as the ball touches the bat, knowing it's gone, and walks the first few steps of his homer trot like he just rolled out of bed at 4 p.m. after an all-night bender.

2. LINDSAY LOHAN -- A British tabloid recently claimed Courtney Love-in-training bet her friends a crapload of money that she can get David Beckham to sleep with her by December. Please let this be true. Stay away, David. We've all fantasized about snorting coke off Lindsay Lohan's, ahem, table, but it ain't worth it. Your ankle's swollen already; if you cave, your penis will meet the same fate, but with puss and burning during urination to boot.

3. BRIAN BRATTON -- Choosing CFL players for the Three Stars sucks, we know, but we should reward big plays. Cementing a win for Montreal with 79-yard punt return TD late in the fourth quarter is clutch. If your son makes a big catch or tackle in his pee-wee game, you tell the other sales guys at the water cooler on Monday, right? So why not give props to the CFL?

AND ONE PITCHER WHO'S GETTING LIT UP LIKE THE GRISWOLD'S HOUSE AT CHRISTMAS THESE DAYS: DAVID WELLS -- After the Astros -- the Astros! -- took him deep three times last night, he's now allowed six long flys in his last two starts. Both those starts came at Petco Park, the best pitcher's park in baseball. Translation: It's over, David. Hang 'em up and drink yourself into oblivion. Do you think he remembers last night's game? Or does he wake up, vomit, lament his "horrible dream," then get ready to pitch, not knowing why his arm hurts?

1 comment:

Kevin said...

I LOVE that Wells pitched his perfect game extremely hung over. It just fits.