Monday, July 9, 2007
The Douchemeter: Sean Hill didn't "knowingly" shove a needle in his ass
Our weekly look at the douchey-ist stuff in sports:
1. THE "I DIDN’T ‘KNOWINGLY’ TAKE STEROIDS" EXCUSE -- The Wild signed 37-year-old defenceman Sean Hill (pictured above) to a one-year deal. The former Islander was the first NHL player suspended for violating the league’s new substance abuse policy. Hill, who was suspended for 20 games, denies "knowingly" taking steroids. Yeah. Just like when you told that girl you’ve been seeing you didn’t knowingly forget to wear a condom.
2. THE COLORADO ROCKIES -- When it started pouring rain in Colorado yesterday, the Phillies bench charged the field to help groundskeeper Keros Johnson, who was trapped in the middle of the field tarp. While the Phillies straightened the tarp and tossed down sandbags, the Rockies hid in the dugout, adjusting their blouses and complaining their hair would get frizzy.
3. GARY BETTMAN -- Here’s an idea: let’s block a Canadian billionaire’s attempt to put a team in the place where HOCKEY IS MORE POPULAR THAN ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD so you can put another team in a U.S. market where it’s bound for failure. What a dick. Though we can’t wait for a fourth team in California.
4. THE SUMMER SPORTS SCHEDULE -- We’ve reached midsummer and there’s little else to watch besides baseball. Yeah, baseball rocks, but c’mon -- even doggy style would get boring if it was all we did every day.
5. ESPN’S ARENA FOOTBALL COVERAGE -- Who could rip the summer sports schedule with AFL playoffs heating up?! Are you as excited for tonight’s L.A. Avengers/Chicago Rush matchup as we are? What a doozie!
6. NHL GENERAL MANAGERS WHO GET UPSET WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO SIGN THEIR FREE AGENTS -- The Sabres were "enraged" when Edmonton offered restricted free agent forward Thomas Vanek a seven-year, $50-million deal, mirroring last year when hockey insiders were aghast Bobby Clarke made an offer to Vancouver forward Ryan Kesler.
Hey, Sabres management: if you’re gonna act like pussies, go play soccer. If anyone should be enraged, it’s your fanbase after watching you fall asleep during free agency and lose both your captains (and because they live in Buffalo).
7. DOMINEK HASEK’S AGENT -- Hasek recently signed a one-year contract with Detroit well below market value.
"Dom didn't want more," said his agent, Ritch Winter. "He's taking one for the team. It's not one of my fun deals, but Dom is happy and that's important."
You can just picture "Ritch" cringing as it says it. You know who isn’t going to be happy, Ritch? Your wife, who has to settle for a Beamer instead of the Porsche you promised her.
8. POLAND -- In an Intertoto Cup soccer match between Polish and Lithuanian squads, the Pollacks stormed the field at halftime to tear down goalposts, vandalize billboards and clash with riot police. The attack was particularly puzzling since Poland didn’t immediately surrender and start having babies with the Lithuanians.
9. THE ANAHEIM DUCKS’ STANLEY CUP DVD -- They’ll sell more copies of Glitter than they will of this thing in California.
10. HOCKEY DOMINATING THE DOUCHEMETER -- Half of this list is tied to hockey. In July.