Thursday challenge: 19 reasons to hate Phil Mickelson

Hurk and Larkin are competitive. If one of them slips and falls, the other rejoices. They like to challenge each other to stuff. Each week, one will challenge the other to create a list of reasons why something in the universe is the way it is. Unless, of course, you've got a challenge for us. Oh, you do, Rico? Fire us an email at spiritofjakeplummer@gmail.com.

You’ve probably noticed that we hate Phil Mickelson. Especially Larkin. He quivers with rage every time that floppy sea lion of a man trudges up a fairway. So Hurk challenged Larkin to name 19 reasons why he hates Mickelson.

19 REASONS WHY PHIL MICKELSON IS A MAGGOT POO-POO SANDWICH

1. His beaver teeth.
2. He uses those beaver teeth to fake smile.
3. He has bad posture.
4. I’ve only been with two women whose breasts are bigger than his.
5. Phil? Crappy name. Phil Donahue, Punxsutawney Phil, Phil Leotardo. All crappy.
6. He was spoiled. Had a sandtrap in his backyard growing up.
7. His wife is hot.
8. His eyes are droopy.
9. Mickelson to a fan taking a photo: "Come on, guys. It’s the Masters for cryin’ out loud!"
10. Wristbrace.
11. You just know he’d be a stickler if you played Scrabble with him.
12. He lactates as he golfs. You can see the milk pooling on his shirts.
13. He’s a lefty. That’s abnormal. We must persecute those who are different.
14. The Ford Motor Company owns his soul.
15. A friend of a friend of Mike Weir’s cousin told my dad that Mickelson opened a chocolate bar wrapper during Weir’s backswing. Weir told him not to do it again, and Mickelson did it again a few holes later. I’m not making this up.
16. He’s a generally sloppy human being. An eyesore.
17. You can’t play as him in any version of EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour. Is he one of those hotshots like Barry Bonds who never gives his name to a video game?
18. I tried to look up the meaning of his last name online and couldn’t find it.
19. That time he choked at __________________ (insert any major)