Monday, June 25, 2007

The Douchemeter: Bengals rival Al-Qaeda in pure evil

1. THE CINCINNATI BENGALS -- How is it even possible another Bengal has been arrested? Isn’t the city running out of jail cells? Running back Quincy Wilson was busted for disorderly conduct at a wedding last week, which, like every NFL wedding, included gunshots. Our conspiracy theory that the Bengals were behind 9/11 doesn’t look so far-fetched now, does it?

2. TEAMS CELEBRATING PLAYERS SURPASSING HISTORIC BENCHMARKS EVEN THOUGH THE PLAYERS HAVE BARELY PLAYED FOR SAID TEAM -- Sammy Sosa mashes tater No. 600! Frank Thomas smashes career dinger 500! Confetti falls from the rafters! Sure, of their 1,100 homers only 26 came with their current teams, but when you're the Rangers and Blue Jays, you don't have much else to celebrate.

3. JOHN FERGUSON JR. -- Forget whether or not you like the trade. Bottom line: the deal had nothing to do with winning Stanley Cup. Ferguson bought, say, three to five more wins and probably saved his job in the process. That’s the thing about JFJ – each move he makes is about him, about his reputation, about Band-Aid solutions, not about building a true long-term contender. Fire the man.

4. PACMAN JONES -- A freshly shorn Pacman Jones, charged with two felonies relating to the (first) strip club scuffle he’s been tied to, turned himself into authorities Friday. Jones posted $20,000 bond in singles and was promptly released. If the playmaking corner misses extended time this season, the Tennessee Titans can look forward to getting ass-raped in the AFC South (and Pacman can look forward to getting ass-raped in Cell Block D).

5. KOBE BRYANT -- Sigh.

6. JOHN SMOLTZ AND CHIPPER JONES -- These Braves are enjoying a high school-ish soap opera after Smoltz questioned Jones' toughness in playing through injury. The pair traded barbs in the media, with Jones ultimately declaring he'd try to play every game the rest of the way and "Somebody I know better not miss a start."

Smoltz seems to have won the battle, though, as he retaliated by telling everyone on the team Jones is a slut and writing "bitch" on his locker in lipstick.

7. GRAY MAYNARD -- The man has balls. Not because he's man enough to compete in UFC. Not because he crushed Rob Emerson's ribs with a vicious slam during Saturday's Ultimate Fighter finale. He has balls because he knocked himself out during the slam and insisted he was conscious the whole time -- even as he watched himself laying limp with his eyes rolled back in his skull on the jumbo-tron replay.

8. RYAN BOATWRIGHT'S PARENTS -- The eighth-grader's parents allowed the young basketball player to commit to USC last week despite the fact that he hasn't even chosen a high school yet. Choosing a university? Boatwright's probably never even kissed a girl (then again, he is a basketball player; what's more likely? Never kissed a girl or father of two?).

Boatwright is the second elementary student signed by the Tim Floyd-led Trojans in the past two years, making Floyd's recruiting strategy obvious: he's a pedophile.

9. JUSTIN MORNEAU’S BRUISED RIGHT LUNG -- Acting more like a vagina than a source of oxygen on Friday, Justin Morneau's lung pussied out after a collision with Marlins catcher Miguel Olivo, which will cause the big slugger to miss some action. With the Blue Jays’ season deader than Josh Hancock’s, Morneau -- second in the AL in homers -- was one of the few things Canadians could cheer for this summer.

10. FRED EVANS -- Perhaps we should just get it over with and rename this feature “NFL Police Blotter.” The Miami Dolphins defensive tackle was Tasered twice Saturday after refusing to exit a taxi.

11. CINCINNATI BENGALS AND PACMAN JONES -- For getting into so much shit we didn’t have any jokes left over for Fred Evans.


Kevin said...

2 Points of contention:

1) re: Frank Thomas: What do you want? the white sox to randomly set off fireworks during a game when Thomas hits #500? frank to fly to chicago after the homer to get his painting or whatever and miss a jays game? It has to be acknowledged somewhere, and why not by his HOME TEAM?

2) Ken Griffey Jr. was TRADED in 1999 to Cincinnati. That doesn't sound like someone who abandoned the team at all... If he did, the fans WOULDN'T be cheering him.

Kevin said...

That #2 was meant for the post below....

Mark P said...

Well, Griffey did demand the trade.

How exactly did Gray Maynard not win that fight on Saturday? Sure, he was kayoed, but Emerson clearly tapped out as soon as he hit the mat. The ref even checked on Emerson first, and totally ignored Maynard rolling around the mat on dream street. I think the No Contest decision was nonsense. Hopefully Maynard wins the inevitable rematch, since he deserved a victory here.

Spirit of Jake Plummer said...

I agree that Maynard should've won the fight...but I still think he's a douche because he denied that he was unconscious when he clearly was.

- Larkin

malcolm said...

I thought this was a blog about sports, not about organized brawls between has-been pro-wrestlers and boxers who couldn't make it.

Everything about the UFC belongs on the douchemeter.

Mark P said...

Malcolm, don't even get me started on your ridiculous argument. MMA is boxing taken to its next logical form, given how actual boxing is the dribbling brown liquid at the bottom of the diaper bin in the sports world.

Second, Larkin, you of all people should know how your brain is addled after you've been knocked out. I'm surprised Maynard wasn't drooling on Joe Rogan. If I'm Maynard now, I'm bragging about it -- "I even beat a guy when I was unconscious. Beat THAT, Lance Armstrong!"