Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Fans, pundits upset Sam Alexis Woods has yet to become the greatest/hottest golfer in the history of the universe

ORLANDO (SOJP) -- A few days ago Tiger Woods and wife Elin Nordegren were greeted with handshakes, cigars and congratulations. Today they face questions as to why their newborn daughter has yet to develop into the hottest, greatest golfer of all time.

Sam Alexis Woods, born Monday, is facing even more scrutiny than her father faces each time he goes more than three tournaments without a victory. Sports broadcasters filled the airwaves yesterday, debating why it’s taking Sam so long to dominate golf and pageantry.

Woods is arguably the greatest golfer of all time and Nordegren is a supermodel and nanny. Observers heaped criticism on the new parents as Sam, already three days old, has yet to swing a club or babysit.

“It’s the equivalent of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love having a kid,” wrote ESPN columnist Bill Simmons between three dozen other pop culture references, “except the kid doesn’t grow up to be a screwed up junkie who ends up on the cover of Star magazine every other week with headlines like ‘Kurtney’s kid out of control -- again!!!’”

The barbs didn’t stop there.

“This is another example of a spoiled athlete failing to capitalize on their God-given talent,” said Rush Limbaugh. “It would be like if Adam and Eve’s child didn’t grow up to be God!”

Making matters worse, the baby is uglier than Rosie O’Donnell’s asshole after cheap wing night at Hooters.

“That... kid... sure doesn’t look like it came out of Elin” said Steve Williams, Tiger’s caddy. “It will haunt my dreams forever.”

Many argued that, since Nordegren was always attractive and Tiger began golfing as a toddler, Sam should already be a little hottie well on her way to golf supremacy. Woods tried erasing the notion yesterday in an interview on ESPN radio.

“It’s tough, when you watch sports these days, everyone wants these young athletes to develop so quickly,” Tiger said. “They want and expect somebody to be the next Wayne Gretzky, or Michael Jordan, or even Tiger Woods. That’s a lot of unfair pressure.”

Phil Mickelson, who has volunteered to help care for the Woods’ new daughter while his wrist heals, came to the Woods family’s defence today.

“This is all blown out of proportion,” said Mickelson while breastfeeding Sam at the hospital. “I barely practice and I do just fine.”

Sam Woods declined comment, as she hasn’t learned to speak.

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