Monday, June 18, 2007

The Douchemeter: Mickelson bogged down by breasts, rough at Open

Our weekly look at the douchey-ist guys in sports:

1. PHIL MICKELSON – Beaver Face successfully avoided a Sunday meltdown at the U.S. Open last weekend…when he missed the cut. Mickelson spent the tournament whining about the thick rough and showing off his wrist brace. It wasn’t the rough or your wrist that got in the way, Phil. It was your fucking tits. Invest in a sports bra.

2. ELIJAH DUKES – Teenage pregnancy made for a cool Degrassi episode. Babyin’ up a teenager’s uterus in real life, however, is trashy. Nice, Elijah. Hopefully junior isn’t as ugly as your swing.

3. ELI MANNING – We saw a Citizen Watch ad in a magazine calling the watch and Eli equally "unstoppable." Eli, unstoppable? Do the hands on Citizen watches spin around wildly and try to guess the time, with Plaxico Burress occasionally bailing them out?

4. TIM DUNCAN – If he kisses one more shot off the glass, we swear to God…he reminds us of a dad interrupting his son’s driveway basketball game to show off his "trusty old hook shot" that won him a high school championship in ’62. Hey Dad, we get it -- your life used to mean something.

5. ALEXIS THOMPSON – A 12-year-old, playing in the U.S. Women’s Open? Good luck with the rough at Pine Needles, you spoiled brat. Hey, know what else is rough? Getting your first period when you’re trying to chip out of the bunker on 18.

6. DEREK LEE AND CHRIS YOUNG – A 6’5" slugger vs. a 6’10" flamethrower should be Godzilla vs. Mothra, not Rosie O’Donnell vs. Barbara Walters. Neither Lee nor Young landed a punch in Saturday’s bench-clearing brawl; they opted for a limb-flailing cat fight instead. What gives?

7. NASHVILLE PREDATORS FANS – Focusing more on inbreeding than "that ice hawky thang," Preds fans have Research in Motion CEO Jim Balsillie ready to move the team to Hamilton if he buys it. That implies people living and performing tasks in the armpit of Canada on purpose. Cruel.

8. ALEX RODRIGUEZ – Do we really need a reason?

9. JOHN FERGUSON JR -- Once Ferguson puts the finishing touches on Sundin’s new albatross contract, he can turn his attention to signing Tim Horton’s donut-ridden carcass.

10. ANGEL CABRERA – He showed big cojones in winning the U.S. Open, but his shameless Ping plugging was sad. He’s the biggest thing in Argentina since…ever. He’ll live like a king there now – his cardboard box will be gold-plated – so why’d he have to sell his soul?


Mark P said...

1-3. Yes

4. Why do people hate Tim Duncan just because he's good? He isn't boring, or colourless, or not impassioned. The fact that his team always win makes him one of the douchebags of the week?

5. Isn't that fucking amazing that a 12-year-old qualified for a major? If I was 11 years younger and at her grade school, I would ask her out, even if she was ugly.

6. In fairness, they are ballplayers. Baseball fights are one of the most consistently hilarious events in pro sports. If you did a list of the top 100 funniest moments in sports fights, at least 98 would be from baseball (with the other two sports being Claude Lemieux turtling against Cam Neely and Jeff Van Gundy holding onto Mourning's leg).

7-9. Yes

10. Come on, he just won a major. He has carte blanche to do what he wants until the next major. It's a PGA rule.

Anonymous said...

4. I agree with Shuk.

And along the Elijah Dukes vein - Matty can you now please publish the Sin Bin you wrote on the female ump on SOJP? Pleeease?


Chels said...

Maybe Milkelson should trade boobs with the 12 year old girl...? I'll make some calls.