Spirit of Jake Plummer

SOJP Classics: Alternate jobs for NFL head coaches

2007-12-18T13:44:00.001-05:00

You have to love NFL head coaches. Perhaps more than any other sport’s leaders, they’re caricatures – larger than life personalities who pop up in the media constantly.

We’re so used to seeing their usually ugly, often animated faces that we began wondering – if we ran into these guys in the street not knowing who they were, what occupation would we think they had?

Bill Simmons recently hammered the nail on the head when he said Seattle coach Mike Holmgren “should be wearing a sheriff’s outfit and buying donuts.” But we think Dallas’ Wade Phillips deserves a vote, too. While Holmgren would work to maintain order, Phillips would straddle the line of good and evil as he prowls the Interstate.

Picture Wade (above) pulling over poor 19-year-old Billy Bob and girlfriend Lucy on a dark country road:

"Well loookeeeee. What do we have here....looks like we gots ourself a cowboy, drivin' real fast. And (Pulls out nightstick…smash!) Oooowee! Looks like his tail light's out too. And by golly, that's a pretty lady you got with ya. What’s your name? Sweetheart? I bet you taste like a juicy strawberry."

Today’s Thursday Challenge? Name 20 NFL coaches and their alternate job possibilities. Giddy up!

Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers: Crappy, low-end mob henchman who Batman beats up easily.

McCarthy: OK Bats, bring it on…I tackled guys bigger than you in college ball.”

(Batman grabs McCarthy, throws him down flight of stairs)

Batman: …Guess your team finished in the basement.

McCarthy: ungh….

Other possibilities: delivery guy

Lane Kiffin, Oakland Raiders: star of made-for-TV movie Face of an Angel, Heart of a Demon about an average but strangely distant sales rep accused of murder after a dozen dead prostitutes are found in his tool shed; based on “true events”

Jack Del Rio, Jacksonville Jaguars: Sales rep who brings a jock mentality to the job. “Let’s fucking close this. BOO-YAH!”

He calls himself “Jackie Boy,” speaks in third-person, and claims he can go shot for shot with anyone at the bar.

After he narrowly edges out slutty cougar Janine in a drink-off at the office Christmas party, he stumbles into an alley, followed by his cronies, who hang on his every word. He pukes on the ground. When junior sales rep Todd comes to his aid, he grabs Todd.

“Get…OFF me you fuck!” He busts Todd’s nose with a vicious right, then throws him into a puddle and stomps on him a few times. The other sales guys are mortified.

“You didn’t see NOTHIN!” Del Rio says. “You didn’t see nothin’.”

He lurches off into the night, breathing like a hungry animal.

Ken Whisenhunt, Arizona Cardinals: Head guard at a maximum security prison who takes secret money handouts and beats inmates in public to display his power. “You gonna cry? Shutup. You’re in Hell now, boy. And I’m Satan, understand? Three days in the hole!”

Sean Payton, New Orleans Saints: full-of-shit athletic store clerk who doesn’t really know what he’s talking about – will try to sell you golf gloves when you asked for batting gloves; wears visor on the job; working on commission, tries to stay hip with shoe-shopping teenagers by altering his lingo when they ask for a particular size: “Let me hook you up with that, man.”

Lovie Smith, Chicago Bears: old, wise custodian in a movie about a youth struggling to find his way in life; despite his socially frowned-upon job status, offers valuable guidance that puts the protagonist on the path to self-fulfillment

Other possibilities: kindly store clerk, grave digger who you think is a homicidal maniac but turns out to be a nice guy who's just really shy

Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles: hotdog/chip truck vendor who wears an apron and paper hat

Other possibilities: crappy guard in prison movie who gets killed first during the riot scene

Eric Mangini, New York Jets: good natured but clueless guidance counselor who thinks he’s making a difference at the local high school but is actually a joke.

“Fuck, I have to see old man Mangini today. I don’t think I’m gonna show up. Or maybe I can distract him with a bag of Oreos and make a break for it.”

Brad Childress, Minnesota Vikings: pedophile

Other possibilities: camp counsellor; kindergarten teacher; baby sitter; catholic priest

Mike Nolan, San Francisco 49ers: Our conversation went like this:

Larkin: Hmm… Nolan, he’s pretty cool. Maybe he’d be a renegade army guy. A general? A platoon leader?

Hurk: Yeah, but he dresses well; he’s not a jarhead. I see him wearing a dress uniform and being kind of stressed out, always rubbing his face, because the generals make him carry out orders that he finds morally conflicting – does he follow orders or do the right thing?

Larkin: See, I don’t know. I think his face is tough looking. I think he’d be more of the decorated general covered in medals or something.

Hurk: Oh, I still see him with the medals; I see him fairly high up, just not at the top. But he still has the honour. Maybe at the end he goes against orders to do the right thing, but it pans out and he becomes general!

Dick Jauron, Buffalo Bills: zombie

Other possibilities: socially outcast undertaker, extra in “Thriller” video

Brian Billick, Baltimore Ravens: washed up action hero who used to ride motorbikes, get chicks, and “be the best,” but now he’s an aging alcoholic living in a houseboat. When the modern action hero needs help, he calls upon Billick for “one last ride.” Billick grabs his sawed-off shotgun and gives glory one more shot.

Other possibilities: executive for a relatively small telecommunications company, but a real hot shot. Thinks he can get away with anything. Major violator of inner-office harassment policy. Tells Judy her “tits look great today” and tries to justify it because he was “giving her a compliment.” Gets slapped with a lawsuit and he’s dumbfounded, as if everyone else is crazy.

Jeff Fisher, Tennessee Titans: host of weekly, low-budget fishing show on cable

Rod Marinelli, Detroit Lions: girls high school track and field coach who gets “a little too close” to the ladies, often exchanging hugs or massaging their cramped legs; parents say there’s “something about that Mr. Marinelli” but are too uncomfortable to truly broach the subject

Romeo Crennel, Cleveland Browns: Chef at a grillhouse who always gets caught eating the food. His specialty: deep-fried banana-bacon waffles.

Other possibilities: fat-yet-strong professional mover who wears coveralls and sweats a lot; smokey pool hall manager who gives youths advice to keep them out of trouble; bartender in a tough part of town who wears a towel over his shoulder and tells scrappers to “take it outside.”

Herm Edwards, Kansas City Chiefs: office manager who always delivers ridiculous speeches like “You’re killing me, guys. Killing me. We gotta pick it up now!” for mundane stuff like forgetting to call the copier repair guy so now he won’t be here until four; laughs too hard at his own bad jokes, slaps the back of guy next to him; entire staff hates him

Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers: wannabe-hardass high school principal who commands no respect and gets pelted with paper airplanes during assemblies.

Other possibilities: politician rocked by scandal (weakness for the flesh)

Cam Cameron, Miami Dolphins: host of Action News at 6 on Rochester 4

Other possibilities: bullshit self-help guru, televangelist

Tony Dungy, Indianapolis Colts: creepy background character in a gangster or prison movie; quiet and wiry, he is covered in tattoos and always wears a wife-beater; nicknamed “Whisper” because of his quiet demeanour and silent killing method of knives; in one gruesome scene, stabs a guy in the stomach and spills his guts everywhere. Then licks some blood off the knife

SOJP Classics

2007-11-29T12:42:00.000-05:00

Since we won't be posting new content in the next couple of days, we figured we'd throw up some "SOJP Classics" a couple of times a week over the next little while. A cheap cop out? Yes. An effective tactic enabling us to spend all day faux-tailgating in preparation for Packers-Cowboys tonight? Yes.

Speaking of which, today's piece is a Thursday Challenge from mid-July that lists 41 reasons we were excited for the upcoming NFL season. Much of our list rings true, including No. 40: "being so desperate for website content that we have to write absurdly inane lists about leagues that don’t begin for two months." Ha! Why write inane lists when you can just reprint them? Enjoy.

Is it just us, or is the summertime sports schedule blander than a two-hour video of Tim Duncan eating Melba toast?

We love baseball as much as anyone, but enough of the monotony; we need a little flavour in our lives. One can only take so much of watching Josh Towers pitch every five days or Sportscentre leading off with Tour de France coverage.

As such, Larkin challenged Hurk to list 41 random reasons to look forward to the NFL’s return.

“Forty-one reasons,” mocked Hurk. “Surely, you underestimate me.”

1. The first time Sportscentre shows this.

2. The first time a head coach tops this.

3. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann.

4. Watching the next chapter of Eli Manning’s gradual mental breakdown as he continues realizing he’s not his brother and he hates football.

5. Watching an artery in Tom Coughlin’s head explode during an interview with Bonnie Bernstein, showering the reporter’s shirt with blood. B-squared is forced to finish the broadcast topless.

6. Mike Holmgren missing most of the third quarter against Philadelphia because he ate four cheesesteaks before the game and couldn’t get off the can.

7. Edgerrin James committing suicide after his request for a trade to Indy is denied.

8. The Bengals signing Andy Reid’s kids.

9. Cris Collinsworth calling decisions “inexcusable” and being in complete disbelief every time someone does something stupid.

10. Herm Edwards trying to manage the clock.

11. Steve McNair being hit and losing control of his bowels on the field. We can only pray he’ll be wearing white pants.

12. Bill Simmons’ stubborn refusal to acknowledge LaDainian Tomlinson as LT.

13. Analysts’ stubborn refusal to compare white receivers to black receivers (“Kevin Curtis really reminds me of Ed McCaffrey”) .

14. A formal apology from Minneapolis police after bringing in Brad Childress on kiddie-diddlin’ charges.

15. Roger Goodell tightening his dictatorial grip on the league and throwing himself a Hitler-esque midseason parade.

16. The late-season flexible schedule.

17. Hitting Ralph Wilson Stadium for Bills-Pats and our buddy Malcolm, a Buffalo fan, getting trashed off three beers. Inside, he’ll comment that he didn’t know the Bills got new uniforms, which he thinks are terrible -- while New England is warming up.

18. Jerome Bettis getting so fat he’ll have to work from his own studio, which is really just a large pile of soiled mattresses surrounded by cameras.

19. Jeremy Shockey patronizing somebody’s culture, race, religion, sexual orientation, fashion sense or pet, then dropping three balls in his next game.

20. Games that actually affect the bigger picture.

21. When people start trying to justify why their surefire sleeper teams didn’t make the playoffs (see: 2006 Arizona Cardinals, 2007 Detroit Lions).

22. LenDale White suffering a heart attack and dying on the field after this fourth consecutive carry. Ron Dayne sympathizes.

23. Chris Henry drawing a gun from his handwarmer and shooting Ed Reed in the face on route to the end zone in his Week 10 return against Baltimore. During the ensuing celebration, Henry is stabbed in the kidney and killed. No killer is found, though Ray Lewis is quickly whisked away in a field cart after the incident and claims to have seen nothing.

24. Ocho Cinco.

25. Searching for Jake Plummer’s replacement as my new favourite whipping boy (I’m watching you, Jake Delhomme).

26. Jon Gruden effectively ending my search by coaxing Jake Plummer out of retirement in Week 4 (cross your fingers!).

27. Michael Vick. Anything to do with Michael Vick.

28. Players actually believing God gives a shit about who wins a football game.

29. Ed Hochuli punching out Todd Pinkston after the receiver bumps the official over a pass interference call.

30. Peyton Manning having a career year for commercials filmed.

32. Snow games.

33. Rex Grossman not completing a pass until Week 3 (the Bears will be 2-1).

34. Buffalo fans finally saying “Fuck it, I don’t care anymore” and just getting up and walking out of the stadium midseason, never to return again.

35. That fat guy in Minnesota who dresses like a Viking.

36. Matt Leinart going on the IR in November with gonorrhea.

37. My Dad quitting on the Jets by Week 3, getting back on the wagon by Week 9, and quitting football entirely by Week 10.

38. Commentators freebasing Brett Favre’s scrotum and explaining his 40-yard interception “is just as good as a punt.”

39. Spending 13 consecutive hung-over hours on the couch on Sundays, with the most difficult decision of the day being one of the following: a) should I get up and take a leak now or try and hold off for another hour? or b) wings or pizza?

40. Not being so desperate for website content that I have to write absurdly inane lists about leagues that don’t begin for two months.

41. NO JOE THEISMANN.

Douchemeter: If we hear "shot during a robbery at his home" one more time...

2007-11-26T13:18:00.000-05:00

1. SECURITY AT FOOTBALL PLAYERS' HOMES -- By no means do we want to rip on Sean Taylor -- his passing is shocking and sad -- but why are NFLers' homes easier to rob than a homeless lady's pop can-filled shopping cart? We feel like it's happened a lot, as of late, and it's the second break-in Taylor has endured recently. At least the old lady can holler in gibberish while clattering the cans and possibly vomiting on you. Guard dogs and giant security gates aren't working anymore. The solution? As always, hire a homeless lady.

2. LIU XIANG -- The Chinese hurdler and Olympic gold medalist got his legs insured for $13.3 million. First J-Lo's wobbly ass (which isn't that big, by the way... come on), now this? What's next, Johan Santana's arm? Scarlett Johansson's hooters? Michael Buffer's larynx? Robin Williams' arm hair? Charlie Weis' blubber?

3. CANADIAN YOUTH HOCKEY COACHES -- We know Canuck hockey parents are stereotyped as angry, raving lunatics who down too many large Tim Hortons coffees at six a.m. every Saturday morning , but this is ridiculous. A brawl started in a game between eight-year-olds on the weekend. Eight-year-olds. And the coaches sent more eight-year-olds over the boards to start a giant child war. Yes, a massive child hockey brawl would be friggin' amazing to watch. Yes, we've scoured YouTube trying to find it. But that's beside the point.

4. THE CANADIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE -- A quarterback makes his first career start in the Grey Cup and his team only loses by four points. Only in the CFL.

5. BRAZILIAN SOCCER STADIUMS -- Apparently, being ranked the worst/least safe stadium out of 29 in the country didn't motivate Fonte Nova stadium to renovate. Maybe having seven fans die after falling through a giant concrete hole will.

6. THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS -- Just move the team to Mexico City and put us out of our misery.

7. HERM EDWARDS -- 4th and 1, your team down by three, ball on your opponent's 23. What do you do? Let's ask our panel of experts.

Infant: "goo...gaaa....fee go!, fee go!"

"Special" kid: "uurragh...take da...urg...POINTS!"

Madden: "When the you're close to the other team's goal line, and you're down by three, and it's fourth and one, I mean, you gotta kick the field goal. You're gonna get a guy here and there that wants to be a cowboy, but most of the time it isn't gonna work out for ya."

Dog: (boots football with his paw)

Dog the Bounty Hunter: Give the ball to the white guy, brother. Kick it.

Herm Edwards, head coach, Kansas City Chiefs: Run the football!

8. ELI MANNING -- Forget that he showed the athleticism of a six-foot-one, headgear-laden, 13-year-old girl playing Twister with the boy she likes. Fuck Eli Manning for giving any fantasy football owner with the Minnesota Vikings team defense a free win this week (i.e. Larkin).

9. KENYON MARTIN -- Yeah, K-Mart, you're big and bad, posterizing guys left and right. How about doing it for more than two games a year without getting injured?

10. MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL -- The 49ers, Dolphins and Ravens every other week. Can we please just bring back Slamball on Monday night? It would be more entertaining and the playcalling would be better.

Monday...Fun...Links?

2007-11-26T09:59:00.000-05:00

Aaaaaaargh. Monday. Friggin' Monday. So hard to get out of bed. AaaaAAAARRRRRRRRGh. Well, at least that's what you regular, nine-to-five cubicle bastards are probably thinking at the moment. So we decided to help you out today. Help you out by giving you reading that requires minimal brain power, a.k.a. stuff composed by and/or involving Kev the Intern.

Kev's a simple guy. A simple guy who still eats multiple pudding cups a day, likes to jump around in sprinklers during the summer, and thinks ICQ is "hip." For that reason, he's the perfect target for those fad Internet videos that start on YouTube and make average Joes famous. He's obsessed with this stuff. Quoting Kev:

"It's the reason why the Internet was made in my opinion. Well, that and porn. Can't forget that porn."

You're right, Kev. Can't forget that porn. Nor can we forget these sweet videos.

DRAMATIC CHIPMUNK

Prairie dog? Chipmunk? Who cares. this thing is funny.

The Chipmunk dabbled in espionage, too.

He may have been born to star in revenge flicks.

Or maybe he should stick to modelling?

Don't really know what we can say about this doozie.

THE STAR WARS KID

Yeah, we know you've seen it. The poor fat fuck who waggled around a golf ball retriever pretending he was a Jedi and became the laughing stock of the continent. Breaking news: he's from Quebec. Ha. That adds to the comedy. People who are different and talk funny must be persecuted.

Shortly after the Star Wars Kid's coming out party, some equally goobery person added lightsaber effects to the video.

Then someone else took the CGI to the next level, and the rest was history. Countless other imitations emerged. Now let's stop for a moment to ponder once more just how hilarious this poor kid is.

THE "DAFT" VIDEOS

Some poor schmuck with way too much free time decided to write the lyrics to Daft Punk's "Harder, Faster, Stronger" on his hands -- or is it a "her"? -- and perform the song with a finger dance. Pretty crazy.

Then some cocky prick decided to speed up the time and show up the first hand dancer. Congrats, pal. Funny thing is that he can't prove he didn't just film himself at normal tempo and speed up the tape.

Then a couple slender beauties blew both guys out of the water with "Daft Bodies." Pretty self explanatory.

Kev’s Week 12 Picks (we swear to God, we didn’t change a thing)

Of course the week we withhold Kev's picks to keep you from losing money is the week Kev actually gets a few right.

Before I start, two things. First, I'm watching the Falcons-Colts game right now, and I don't think there could be a more uninspired play-by-play effort than what Gumble is giving us right now. I mean, this is putting Summerall to shame! The Colts just scored a touchdown, and I don't think his tone of voice changed a bit. And he just said "bugaboo." And he keeps calling "quarters" "periods." Put some effort into this, Gumble (I don't know which Gumble it is, not that it really matters).

Second, your last article was strangely reminiscent of the Cosby Show episode where Theo classifies girls as different types of hamburgers depending on how hot they are, with the hottest being the Big Mac. Where's Cliff Huxtable when you need him!

Anyhoo, on with the picks! God damn you, Thursday night football. It's pretty obvious I would have chosen Dallas and Green Bay. I'm considering myself 2-0 right now. What's left of the games this weekend? Garbage, that's what. I mean, Miami's playing on Monday night. That's pretty much all you need to know.

Philly at New England (-23)
The Pats are favored by 23. TWENTY THREE. In case you missed ESPN/FSN/TSN/Sportsnet, etc, that's the largest point spread for an NFL game not involving an expansion team. As if the Pats needed another reason to go for it on 4th and goal with the game out of reach. I need a win, and I'm taking the Pats at home.
Kev loses!

Houston at Cleveland (-3.5)
Remember Charlie Frye? Yeah, neither does anyone else in Cleveland. Derek Anderson has been great this year, and Braylon Edwards is carrying my fantasy team. I actually can't believe this might be a good game. Last year, we’d be looking at this game in disgust. Houston is coming off a nice win against New Orleans, and the Browns are a respectable 6-4. Cleveland should come away with a victory in this one.

Kev wins!

Baltimore at San Diego (-3.5)

Sure, I picked the Chargers last week, and they lost. That sucked. BUT, if you recall, I also said how much I enjoyed watching Norv Turner fail, so I still took some solace in their defeat. Seeing Maurice Jones-Drew just roach that douchebag Shawne Merriman helped make my weekend as well.

Fortunately for the Bolts, they’re coming up against a team with an offense resembling Hurk — it’d have trouble scoring against a team comprised of sixth-grade girls. Sure, they scored 30 last week, but they were playing against the 32nd ranked defense in the league (the Browns… which makes me really think about my last pick...). The last time they scored more than 20 points? Way back in Week 6. I'm taking San Diego.
Kev wins!

Buffalo at Jacksonville (-9)
Normally, when a team hangs 56 on you – in the national spotlight – you’d be pretty bummed out. Then you remember you're living in Buffalo, which is way shittier than losing by 50-plus in front of millions of people. Then you remember you were playing the Pats, and you begin to nod your head knowingly. J.P. "If no one's open deep, I'm not throwing it, and even then I just might throw it deep" Losman and the Bills should expect to lose their second straight against 7-3 Jacksonville. As long as Jack Del Rio doesn't break out the motivational stump and axe. Take Jacksonville.

Kev wins!

Canadian Bonus Pick! Saskatchewan vs. Winnipeg in the Grey Cup Final

Maxim parties on the top of the CN Tower. Pancake breakfasts. Lenny Kravtiz at halftime (they asked for U2, but organizers refused when U2's appearance fee was "the entire proceeds from the Grey Cup" – I’m not joking). Saskatchewan being known for something other than a town named "Moose Jaw.”

It's Grey Cup weekend (also known as "The CFL Gets 45 Seconds of Exposure on ESPN" Weekend), so why not make a pick? Having their starting quarterback break his arm in the conference final isn’t a good thing for the Bombers. The only way the Riders lose is by taking the Bombers’ second-string quarterback for granted, and if you actually look at the guy – he’s kind of creepy looking – they just might. Take the Green Riders to win for the first time since '89, which is kind of depressing in an eight team league.

Kev wins!

Week 12 record: 4-1 (whaaat?!?)

Season record: 9-15

The Hottie Hall of Fame: Who Belongs?

2007-11-21T12:41:00.001-05:00

Canada

was abuzz last week. No, it wasn’t because of the improved dollar or a new ice fishing innovation. It was Hockey Hall of Fame week, and this year’s class – Mark Messier, Ron Francis, Al MacInnis and Scott Stevens – may be the greatest ever. Also, Eric Lindros retired two weeks ago, sparking major debate about whether or not he’s HOF material.

That got us thinking. Thinking about boobies ‘n’ stuff. Then we smushed a bunch of ideas together and came up with this:

Shouldn’t we be talking more about the All-time Hot Chick Hall of Fame? Yes, that exists. We don’t have to review old faves; we know Marilyn Monroe and Sophia Loren are in. Thanks, Gramps. More importantly, we should gauge who’s on the verge of entering it, who has potential to get there, and who will fall short despite some people’s beliefs.

Let’s break down the ladies we think should be mentioned in the same breath as “Hall of Fame” and “piece of ass.”

FIRST BALLOT HALL OF FAMERS

Halle Berry, Beyonce, Angelina Jolie

Sports equivalent: Derek Jeter

Years of excellence have pushed these individuals beyond superstar status; they’re ambassadors of the game. A given starlet may not be your cup of tea, but she sure as hell should have your respect. Even their greatest haters can’t deny their Hall worthiness. Jennifer Aniston hates Jolie, Sox fans hate Jeter, and Dog the Bounty Hunter hates black people. But none of them is crazy enough to say Jeter sucks at baseball or that these ladies don’t belong in the Hottie Hall of Fame. Well, Dog might be.

ALWAYS GREAT, NEVER THE BEST, BUT A LOCK FOR THE HALL OF FAME

Mariah Carey, Kim Basinger, Tyra Banks, Heather Locklear, Cindy Crawford, Elizabeth Hurley, Sharon Stone, Pamela Anderson

Athlete equivalent: Tom Glavine

These perennial all-stars never really blew people away, but they never faltered. Year in, year out, they made our mouths water. While they were never the absolute best in the business, save for a few anomaly MVP seasons (Basic Instinct in 1992, Pam during the Baywatch years), they were consistently among the cream of the crop. We tip our hats to you, ladies, for your consistency. You made us cover our crotches with binders for 10 to 15 years. We forgave MJ for the Washington Wizards experiment, Sharon, so we’ll give you a pass on Basic Instinct 2.

HAVE THEY DONE ENOUGH?

Jennifer Lopez, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Charlize Theron, Shania Twain

Sports equivalent: Peter Forsberg

Growing up, we knew Peter Forsberg was great, just like we knew we wanted to bury our faces in Jennifer Love Hewitt’s cleavage after watching I Know What You Did Last Summer. Fairly or not, their prolonged absences from the lineup have soured our memories of both, leaving us with a plethora of “What ifs” and “Yeah, buts.” Regardless, all of these ladies were superstars at their peak and we won’t squawk if they’re inducted. After all, we still masturbate whenever The Mask of Zorro is on TV, don’t we?

SUPERNOVA EXPLOSION OUT OF THE GATE, FOLLOWED BY AN EPIC FALL FROM GRACE

Britney Spears

Sports equivalent: Dwight Gooden

“We’re going to bed, and you better get your butt in there soon yourself, mister,” shouted Mom from upstairs. “It’s a school night.” She was right, of course, but you’d waited downstairs all night for MTV to play “Baby One more Time” again. When Britney Spears first burst onto the scene, it was too much for adolescents. Her pigtails, stockings and exposed midriff had every boy aged 11-17 quietly hiding in the basement with the lights off so he could fuck the couch cushions like a rabbit on Red Bull. She had the world in her hands, and in a Godzilla-rampaging-through-Tokyo-like disaster, she threw it all away. We can only wonder what might have been.

RIDICULOUSLY TALENTED, BUT CAREER DERAILED BY COCAINE

Lindsay Lohan

Athlete Equivalent: Darryl Strawberry

Sigh. So sad. How hot was Lindsay a few years ago? It was almost unfair when her busty, barely legal bod beckoned to us from the cover of Rolling Stone. Then came the nose candy, and that was all she wrote. Lohan and Strawberry deserve each other; they’re physical specimens who’d rather do lines off a bathroom floor at Arby’s than perform at the top level of their professions.

TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE

Fergie, Eva Mendes, Kylie Minogue, Eva Longoria

Athlete Equivalent: Priest Holmes

Priest Holmes wasted the beginning his career backing up Jamal Lewis in Baltimore. Stacey Ferguson wasted the beginning of her career giving record producers hummers while high on heroin. You shake your head at the members of this group, wondering what could’ve been if they didn’t become sexy stars so late. Yeah, that’s right. We’re calling out Eva Longoria. She’s already 32, guys. She’s almost past her prime.

LOOKED LIKE A SURE THING A FEW YEARS AGO, BUT NOW WE’RE HAVING SERIOUS DOUBTS

Sarah Michelle Gellar, Anna Kournikova

Athlete Equivalent: Vince Carter

It seems like yesterday that they were all the rage. Vince was dunking over every living organism; Gellar was crushing vampires and screaming up a storm in cheesy horror flicks; Kournikova was looking gorgeous while getting her ass whooped on the tennis court. They were superstars. What the hell happened?

Our prediction: the stories end in tragedy. Gellar stars in an off-Broadway stage play that bombs. Vince limps and whines his way into NBA obscurity. Kournikova hits the gym, gets herself a manly build and shoots up the ATP rankings.

SHOOTING STARS WHO PERFORMED AT AN EXCEPTIONALLY HIGH LEVEL FOR A VERY BRIEF PERIOD OF TIME

Denise Richards, Shannon Elizabeth, Tara Reid, Alicia Silverstone

Sports equivalent: Terrell Davis

Ten years ago, readily accessible pornography was nonexistent for adolescent males, save for the stack of Playboys Dad hid under his bed. We weren’t old enough to use fake ID to buy our own and dialup Internet rendered online smut inadequate. The substitute? Denise Richards in Wild Things. She parlayed that into a few other roles, notably a Bond flick, but really didn’t do much else. Still, she got naked. In a pool. And made out. With another girl. These ladies may not be good enough to make the Hall, but they’re good enough to be in the discussion.

THE POLARIZING STARS

Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Garner, Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes

Sports equivalent: Art Monk

They’re pretty hot, we guess. Depends on whom you ask. Diaz, for example, was cute and charming in a couple of funny movies and dated some impressive talent over the years (Monk caught a billion balls, won a couple of titles with the Skins). Her mouth also almost got her cast as the Joker, and you could fit a second pair of tatters in the gap between her actual boobs (Monk caught little dinky passes, never really seemed to take a game over). Because there’s so much disagreement about their worth, they probably don’t belong.

STARS THAT PUT UP IMPRESSIVE NUMBERS BUT ARE CHEATERS

Paris Hilton, the Olsen twins, any reality TV star

Sports equivalent: Rafael Palmeiro

Yeah, you’ve got numerous supporters, but it has nothing to do with talent; these guys are a product of reality TV shows, clever marketing campaigns, and $500,000 worth of steroids. Doing drugs or releasing a sex tape might be enough to make you famous; it’s not enough to get you into any Hall of Fame.

ALL FLASH, NO SUBSTANCE

Carmen Electra, Jenny McCarthy

Sports equivalent: Andruw Jones

Jones hits bombs and makes highlight reel catches in center field, but he also strikes out a ton, doesn’t run anymore and is a career .263 hitter. Sound familiar? We’re enamored with Electra and McCarthy’s skills, rolling their “highlight reels” in our minds before we go to bed. Still, even the curviest body can’t make up for a lack of acting ability, general talent, or any semblance of mental activity.

RODE THE COATTAILS OF A DYNASTY

Victoria Beckham, Courtney Cox

Athlete Equivalent: Glenn Anderson

For those of you who may not know, Glenn Anderson was considered by many the fifth wheel of the Edmonton Oilers’ 1980s dynasty. He drove to the net like no one else, regularly potted 50 goals, and finished his career with over 1,000 points. Yet he’s overlooked by the Hall of Fame every year, likely because people think the legends around him – Gretzky, Messier, Coffey – made him great.

Same goes for Victoria Beckham. People make a huge deal over her, but where would she be without the Spice Girls or her dreamy footballer hubby? She’s a caricature. Looks like a lollipop. No one that bony can make the Hall of Fame. Courtney Cox is solid, but the Friends and Scream franchises carried her. David Arquette did NOT, by the way.

HAD A NICE CAREER, BUT WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR A TICKET LIKE THE REST OF US

Alyssa Milano, Christina Applegate, Teri Hatcher

Sports equivalent: Fred Taylor

Do you realize Fred Taylor has rushed for over 10,000 yards but never made a Pro Bowl? Do you realize Alyssa Milano’s IMDB page credits her with 47 roles but we can only remember the one with her really softcore sex scene? Each lady has enjoyed a period of “very good-ness” but never challenged for tops in the league. They’ve earned our respect, and they can play with us any day, but the Hottie Hall is reserved for the greats.

TONS OF TALENT BUT HAS YET TO REALIZE THEIR POTENTIAL

Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson

Sports equivalent: Reggie Bush

Everyone’s worried Bush might end up being a bust because he’s yet to capitalize on his immense talents. What about Alba and Johansson?

The ladies’ physiques and Reggie Bush’s sweet moves are almost equally boner-inducing, but will they take advantage of their unique abilities? To make the Hottie Hall, you need more than supermodel looks – you need to permeate our thoughts at all times, and you can’t do that when you’re sharing the screen with Dane Cook. Someday, you need to make it in something bigger than your bra. We’re a little worried we’re five or six years away from Bush becoming a return specialist and Johansson and Alba headlining NBC’s new sitcom, Weather Girls, about two sexy roommates competing at opposing local news stations. Hijinx ensue, as does a midseason cancellation.

AN UP-AND-COMER WHO WE KNEW WOULD BE DECENT BUT SUDDENLY EXPLODED INTO SUPERSTARDOM

Carrie Underwood

Athlete Equivalent: Adrian Peterson

Adrian Peterson ran over a bunch of guys in college and Carrie Underwood won American Idol. So what, right? Those types are a dime a dozen. Just ask Ron Dayne and Ruben Studdard. But a few prognosticators out there disagreed. They saw something special. They thought Peterson had NFL-ready talent and figured Underwood could dominate the ripe country music market. They were right. Peterson ate the universe for half a season and Underwood’s pumping out platinum records. Only time will tell if they’ll have Hall of Fame careers, but they’re sure starting strong.

TOO EARLY TO TELL, BUT STARTING OUT GREAT

Megan Fox, Hayden Panittiere, Rihanna

Athlete Equivalent: Dwight Howard

Just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re living up to the hype. Please, stay out of trouble. Maybe you could room with a vet like Heather Locklear when you’re on the road? She’d keep you away from the Lohans and Strawberries of the world.

SOLID YET UNSPECTULAR STAR WHO COULD HAVE A SHOT AT THE HALL SOMEDAY

Hilary Duff, Natalie Portman, Rachel McAdams, Mandy Moore, Keira Knightley

Athlete Equivalent: Chris Bosh

They do all the little things right; they make good career choices, avoid bad publicity and are generally likeable, attractive people. The downside: they’re boring. You’ll be hard pressed to find 360 dunks, naughty pics or sex scenes from this group. As a result, they could find themselves passed over for flashy types who flop their boobs all over the place and drop F-bombs on talk shows.

NHL report featuring...sigh...Garth Snow

2007-11-21T12:23:00.000-05:00

Well, we’re about a quarter of the way through the 2007-2008 NHL season. Now would be a good time to get the experts’ opinion on the season so far. After Scotty Bowman, Don Cherry, John Davidson, Brett Hull, Donald Trump, Rosie O’Donnell, Condoleezza Rice, Montel Williams and Janeane Garofolo didn’t return our calls, we went with our backup guy.

You know his name.

Time to welcome back…New York Islanders general manager and regular SOJP contributor Garth Snow!

************************************************************************

SOJP: Well, Garth, it’s “good” to have you back.

SNOW: Yep, you know it. Garth the Shark is back.

SOJP: Is that supposed to rhyme?

SNOW: Yeah. Garth. Shark. It’s pretty simple logic.

SOJP: Well, kind of. But…it doesn’t really rhyme. “Arth” and “ark?”

SNOW: I’m like a poet, eh? Or a rapper? Garth Snow’s the name, gonna send you into a craze…

SOJP: …OK. So that wasn’t supposed to rhyme, right?

SNOW: Hello…”name” and “craze”? It rhymes, man. You just aren’t gangsta enough, I guess.

SOJP: Sigh. Yeah, I guess. So…how about that NHL?

SNOW: …hm?

SOJP: The NHL.

SNOW: eh?

SOJP: The NHL. Hockey. We called you to talk about it. What do you think of the season so far?

SNOW: The season, eh? You are an inquisitive one, aren’t you?

SOJP: Sure am. So, the Islanders. Pretty amazing. How are you guys doing it so far?

SNOW: Well, you see…things are…going to get better. We’ll tough it out….and…break…our…streak…of losses?

SOJP: Hmm. Losses, eh? Garth, do me a favour. Tell me your team’s record.

SNOW: …No.

SOJP: You won’t tell me?

SNOW: NO!

SOJP: Or you don’t know?

SNOW: NO!

SOJP: Garth. Garth. Look at me. I’m opening the newspaper. I’m flipping to the sports section. I’m reading the standings. Your New York Islanders are 11-6-0. Three points out of first in the division.

SNOW:…I….yeah…I…I knew that. I…YEAH! WOO! This is…great. I have to call my parents.

SOJP: Glad to bear the good news. Garth. Now, I was hoping to get your early season MVP candidate…

SNOW: Hmm, let me just rub my crystal ball here…yes, yes…..I’m seeing…Owen Nolan.

SOJP: …yeah. Have you watched any hockey this season, Garth?

SNOW: Define “watched.”

SOJP: ……..

SNOW: I “watched” the hockey standings in this newspaper you speak of. It’s like a paper television. It’s going to change the world. So…I’m a regular viewer?

SOJP: What? Please, Garth, earn the JC Penney gift certificate, for Christ’s sake. Give us some wisdom.

SNOW: I haven’t had sex with my wife in four months.

SOJP: Garth…

SNOW: I…I just need someone to talk to, and –

SOJP: GARTH!

SNOW Oh God, I’m sorry. I’M SORRY! Fine. Uh…ok. Ok. Hockey insight. Well….I went to Atlantic City with Gary Bettman last Friday.

SOJP: and…

SNOW: and we did some coke, and drank scotch…

SOJP: and…

SNOW: and he told me…that he’s contracting the Ottawa Senators, Calgary Flames and Edmonton Oilers.

SOJP: What!?

SNOW: And…there’s a Dominican Republic franchise on the way.

SOJP: Holy shit!

SNOW: I know. I’ll take my gift certificate now.

SOJP: Not so fast. What’s the name of the Dominican franchise?

SNOW: The Robots.

SOJP: The Robots.

SNOW: The Robots.

SOJP: OK. Get the fuck out.

SNOW: What? But I gave you the goods.

SOJP: Get out before I call the cops.

SNOW: …yes sir.

SOJP: Let’s never do this again.

SNOW…OK…I….NOOOOOOO! PLEASE! PLEASE HELP ME! OH…GOD….MY WIFE THREW ME OUT…I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’M DOING…I TRIED TO TRADE FOR SIDNEY CROSBY BUT THEY SAID NO…OH…OH…HELP ME….

SOJP: Sigh. OK. Stand up, Garth. Reach out your hand.

SNOW: …OK.

SOJP: Take the gift certificate. Now go.

SNOW: Oh…thank you…thank you! God bless you. I’ll make it up to you.

SOJP: That’s nice. Goodbye, Garth.

The Los Angeles Lakers trade Kobe Bryant to...

2007-11-20T13:38:00.000-05:00

Trade winds are a blowin’. Kobe Bryant to the Bulls? The Pistons? The problem, as we all know, is that dealing Kobe means giving up your entire team. Kobe wants to be “dealt to a contender,” but the team he goes to gives up too much to remain one.

We decided to think outside the box. Maybe the Lakers should look beyond the NBA for the perfect trade…

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO THE CAST OF CSI: LAS VEGAS FOR WILLIAM PETERSON, MARG HELGENBERGER AND GARY DOURDAN

Vegas is up in arms over this one, claiming CBS pulled a Rob Babcock. Dealing Kobe for the entire core of the show? Disaster, right? CSI will trail The Biggest Loser in the ratings in no time, right? Wrong. Kobe’s new forensic analyst teammates greatly underestimate his knowledge about tampering with evidence. He’s always one step ahead of the bad guys, predicting how they cover up their crimes.

“It’s simple, Stokes,” he says. “You do something bad, you gotta clean up your mess. How do you do that? Buy your woman some jewelry.” His “gimme the damn case” mentality leads to 48 convictions, 34 of them stemming from busts outside jewelry stores.

The Lakers aren’t converted to an instant contender with this deal, but they certainly become deeper. Helgenberger’s long arms make her a blocking and rebounding machine; think Marcus Camby with tits. Gary “Warrick” Dourdan breaks opponents’ hearts with his three-balls. Peterson, meanwhile, ends up relegated to the bench. Chunky and sweaty, he just doesn’t have the fitness for the NBA. L.A.’s a deeper team, yes, but it lacks a true star after the deal and finishes 43-39, good for eighth in the West and a quick first-round ousting by the Mavs.

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO THE CIRCUS FOR TWO CLOWNS, TWO TRAPEZE ARTISTS, A SWORD SWALLOWER, AND A BEAR RIDING A MINIBIKE

As the heavy baseline of Snoop Dogg’s “Drop It Like It’s hot” pulsates through the audience, the ringmaster bellows to the crowd with great fervor: “Discovered in the depths of the concrete jungle, this magnificent creature is like no other. Majestic, graceful, it is a thing of beauty, never witnessed before the human eye… until now. Behold, The Great Flying Man!”

Pyrotechnics explode, strobe lights flash, and fog machines fill the arena with smoke. Seemingly out of thin air, Kobe emerges, unleashing a wicked 360 dunk on a basketball net strapped to an elephant’s face. His 12-minute dunking routine is a smash hit, but sadly, the circus is still plagued by the same problems as the Lakers. While people gladly pay full price to see Kobe perform, the circus gave up too much to compete with the likes of the Ringling Brothers or Cirque de Soleil.

The Lakers also struggle mightily with their new acquisitions. The clowns seem better suited for the Globetrotters, the trapeze artists can't capitalize on their tremendous athletic gifts, and the sword swallower is suspended after skipping a morning shootaround to get high with Luke Walton. The bear, which was thrown into the deal for salary cap purposes, turns out to be a steal, though. While his offensive skills leave much to be desired, he is a menacing defensive presence, chasing around smaller, quicker guards with his minibike and swatting balls away from the league’s best big men. His game-saving tearing in half of Tim Duncan in a December overtime game is a lock for Sportscenter’s Top 10 Plays of the Year.

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO MAMA’S SUPERMARKET FOR TWO CASHIERS, 36 BAGS OF RUFFLES ALL-DRESSED CHIPS, “BIG DAN” THE SHELF STOCKER AND FOUR POUNDS OF APPLES

Be patient, Laker fans. This deal looks ugly at first. Courtney and Haley, the 15-year-old cashiers, can’t handle L.A. They spend two weeks shopping and doing coke with Pauly Shore before they get homesick and their moms come to get them. The apples work out great at first, giving the team an energy boost, but they go bad after a few weeks, leaving only the Ruffles. Lamar Odom falls in love with the chips and balloons to 284 pounds as the Lakers struggle to a 30-52 season.

The silver lining: “Big Dan” the stockboy. His 73 I.Q. led to some bad decisions as a kid; he’s had four stops at juvenile detention centres already, including one for fracturing his geography teacher’s skull during a classroom fracas. But his 6’9’’, 260-pound frame, hustle and huge throwdowns make him a fan favourite in LaLa Land and a great guy to build around.

Mama’s Supermarket gets the shaft on this one. Kobe can’t count. His tills are always off. He also spends half his time flirting with slutty Kristin from the produce department.

THE LOST ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO THE PRICE IS RIGHT FOR DREW CAREY

A complete disaster. The crosstown deal seemingly favored The Price is Right, which acquired a young, famous, charismatic personality to fill Bob Barker’s shoes. The trade looks particularly lopsided when Carey becomes ill during warmups at his first game:

“Oh, gee, fellas. I’m not feeling so good…I better sit down. Shouldn’t have had that second chili dog! Haha…ha…cough. My arm hurts.”

What could slow Kobe in a situation perfectly suited to his talents? Two words: Barker’s Beauties.

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO THE WILSON FAMILY FOR GLENN, MARY, ZACK AND HEATHER

Great deal for the Lakers. Glenn, a chiropractor, chips in five points a game off the bench thanks to the hook shot that won him an Illinois state championship in ’71 and he doubles as the team doctor. Mary’s pot roast makes road trips feel like home. Heather gets an ego after her boob job but puts the other Laker girls to shame. Zack’s razzle-dazzle dribbling and crisp passing make him the closest thing to a true point guard the Lakers have had in years; his acne is forgivable. The Wilsons carry the Lakers to a 64-18 season and an NBA finals berth.

Poor baby Kaley Wilson. Stuck with Kobe as her dad. After a few days, Kobe’s feeling good. He likes cuddling a baby while watching satellite TV all day. Then reality kicks in. Kaley’s anus begins to stink and rot after Kobe doesn’t change her diaper for two days. The neighbours complain about the smell and Kaley’s in foster care before the week is up.

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO GHOSTBUSTERS FOR PETER VENKMAN, RAY STANTZ AND WINSTON ZEDDEMORE

A win-win deal. The Lakers are energized by their new triumvirate. Ray’s goofy enthusiasm and Peter’s dry wit keep the locker room light and loose, a nice change of pace from Black Mamba’s steely demeanour. Winston, meanwhile, who was asked before joining the Ghostbusters if he believes in ghosts and replied “If there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe in anything you say,” quietly buys into the system and does the dirty work, so long as he’s paid on time. A surprisingly resurgent Lakers squad goes on a tear, finishing third in the West before bowing out in the conference final. Next season seems the most promising in years.

The new Ghostbusters squad also thrives. Kobe and Egon share a chemistry not seen since Stockton and Malone’s prime. A brains-and-brawn combo, this new dynamic duo plays off each others’ strengths. Kobe’s raw athleticism makes it difficult for even the nastiest supernatural baddie to pin him down; when he's in trouble, Egon bails his partner out with a crazy new gadget. Sharing interests when not at work – including spores, molds and fungus – only improves their rapport. Kobe and Slimer don’t get along, though. They put aside their differences to take down ghosts, but tensions rise when Slimer trashes Kobe in a newspaper interview.

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO BOB’S PETTING ZOO FOR A GOAT, TWO HORSES, A PYTHON AND A SHEEP.

Textbook win-win deal here. Obviously, the Lakers shoot up the standings after this one. The horses run the floor like no one the NBA has ever seen. The sheep creates special unis that keep the players warm at all times. “Rex,” the 30-foot python, is a terrifying low post presence; no one goes near him. He forces every team onto the perimeter. Are the Lakers trailing? No problem. “What time is it, Laker fans? I SAID…what time is it? IT’S…..GOAT…TIME!!!!!!!” The goat goes berserk, nipping at opposing players’ jerseys and throwing off their timing. We smell an NBA championship.

Bob’s petting zoo ain’t complaining. Kobe quadruples ticket sales. Just don’t let your daughters get too close to the fence.

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO BROADWAY FOR THE CAST OF CATS

The deal makes no sense for the Lakers, who acquire a bunch of bodies equally moody, temperamental and independent as Kobe. The cast purrs, combs its fur, prances around the court, and causes a fuss like Adam Morrison. Still, it’s unfair to assess the trade this season, as a key component, Mr. Mistoffelees, is placed on injured reserve after shattering his jaw on a vicious Dwight Howard elbow.

Kobe is a steal for Broadway, however. While his impressive dance moves are no surprise, given his athletic ability, critics are wowed by his booming voice. Dubbed the Michael Jordan of the stage, Kobe writes and stars in the hit musical “Love in Fifth Gear: The Rory Philback Story,” about a down-on-his-luck mechanic who makes a deal with a magic prairie dog to become a star F1 driver and win over the girl of his dreams.

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO THE KINDERGARTEN CLASS AT ST. JOSEPHINE’S ELEMENTARY SCHOOL FOR JENNY, CHRIS, TAYLOR, MAGGIE AND MRS. CHANG.

Looks great on paper but isn’t a good fit for either team. Sure, Kobe’s highlight reel dunks over four year-olds are good for a YouTube compilation or two, but they get old. And he really struggles with the cursive writing lesson. He just doesn’t want to be there.

The Kindergartners force L.A. into a rebuilding phase. Jenny and Maggie don’t know what basketball is yet. Taylor spends games eating paste in the custodian’s closet of the Staples Center. Upon learning there are no cookies in the pre-game meal, Chris demands a trade. Not all is lost, however. Andrew Bynum falls in love with Mrs. Chang and they move to Hawaii to open a pottery store.

Douchemeter: these beauties were the only good thing about UFC 78

2007-11-19T14:56:00.001-05:00

Our weekly look at the douchiest things in sports.

1. UFC 78 -- We all knew it was a crappy card, but couldn’t the fighters have used that as motivation and proven us wrong with some wicked fights? Nope. We were treated to a barrage of minute-long clinches, crappy decisions, and Houston Alexander, the badass who was supposed to be the saving grace of the night, getting his face tenderized. Joe Rogan looked freakishly healthy and well-rested. The ring girls were the only remotely exciting part of the night. Larkin’s dad and Hurk both fell asleep during the main event, which featured Rashad Evans, the most boring and overrated fighter on the planet. Yawn. And do we really need to know this is the 78^th UFC? We get it. There have been many of them.

2. RAY EMERY -- Here’s an asshole who really knows how to rally his teammates around him. Loses his starting Sens netminding job to Martin Gerber, and how does he get himself back in the mix? Step one: play baseball on off day and strain back. Step two: laugh it off and tell media getting injured playing a different sport is no big deal for a professional athlete getting paid millions to play at the highest level and keep in top shape during the season. Step three: skip optional team practice, which Gerber, your goodie-goodie rival, attends. Are you trying to get yourself traded, Ray? Ottawa vagina not good enough for you or something?

3. “BEAT THE RUSH” GUYS – These cranky old fathers have been leaving games midway through the fourth quarter since the dawn of time. It begins late in the third, when the home team falls behind by 10 and they start complaining “It’s over, it’s over.” A few minutes into the fourth the lead “balloons” to 13 and he’s dragging his bitter kids back to his ’98 Altima. Yeah, we know you “have to work tomorrow.” The saddest part: our buddy Hayes, who has zero kids, left in third quarter to – you guessed it – “beat the rush.” Something tells us Hayes’ future involves many a lady ending a date with him early for the exact same reason.

4. BUFFALO -- So the SOJP guys made a little field trip to the slice of Americana known as Buffalo, New York for the Pats/Bills massacre. Hey, we shouldn’t riff on Buffalo, right? It’s a nice, friendly, blue-collar town. So what if it has no vegetation whatsoever?

Buffalo has many redeeming qualities, like the guys who called our Pats fan buddy a “faggot” (how creative!) every time he stood up for a Randy Moss touchdown, then chirped him again for sitting down; a chick in gold high heels who sauntered around the porto-potties in the parking lot before the game, kicking up gravel as she slammed back a tall boy; “cheese cup,” a sumptuous delicacy on sale at Ralph Wilson Stadium for $2.00; and lots of decked out Chevy Cavaliers with racing stripes on them, straight out of The Fat the Furious: Buffalo Drift, which you can find in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart next to I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.

5. TORONTO MEDIA – Not only did they strongly imply Leafs players were hinting that Sean Avery made the cancer comments about Jason Blake, which doesn’t necessarily appear to be the case, those reactionary pricks jumped all over Jiri Tlusty for “disgracing” the team. First of all, the Leafs charge 300 bucks a ticket despite not having won a Stanley Cup in 40 years. That’s a disgrace. Secondly, Tlusty is a 19-year-old kid who snapped some naked pics he probably sent to his girlfriend. How is that a disgrace? We’re jacking it as we type this, and we’re straight up class. Get off your high horse, Toronto media.

6. SPIRIT OF JAKE PLUMMER -- Fuck us. We missed a day last week and now we’re late as hell and making you stay a full day at work so you can read our bullshit before you go home. Give up on us, already. We don’t deserve you. Seek alternate forms of entertainment.

7. THE BARRY BONDS SCANDAL – Surprise! Perjury! No new evidence, but the sneak attack is fun! Surprise! Trainer released from prison! Surprise! We think the guy will talk now after spending a year getting his bum poked in prison.

8. THE SEAN AVERY SITUATION – We’re not sure who’s to blame, but somebody involved in that mess was very, very douchey. Either someone misreported and Avery didn’t taunt Jason Blake about his cancer or Avery, after noting his family has been affected by cancer and he’d thus never say such a terrible thing, is a liar and is hiding behind his grandfathers’ cancer-ridden corpses.

9. THE BROWNS/RAVENS OFFICIATING MESS – That was more confusing and chaotic than when Kev the Intern took Grade 10 Sex Ed and inadvertently learned he should have stopped breastfeeding years ago.

10. KOBE BRYANT – Last Friday, Kobe supposedly nixed a trade to the Pistons (though now reports say they weren’t close to an agreement), spoiling an opportunity for the SOJP staff to pitch the reality show Kicking it with Kobe: The Whitest Man in Detroit.

Friday Fun Links (and MORE!) girating bodies are music to our...ears?

2007-11-16T13:39:00.000-05:00

Kev the Intern is pathetic for many a reason. The fact that he’s 26 years old and still living with his parents is a glaring one. And, because Mr. and Mrs. Intern are protective of little Kevy, his supply of masturbatory inspiration is in limited supply – they’ve installed Net Nanny on the family computer, blocking his access to his favourite Hentai websites, among others.

Consequently, Kev must find alternatives. One such substitute? Music videos. Here’s a couple of vids Kev keeps bookmarked:

Eric Prydz, Call on Me

Benni Benassi, Satisfaction

Christina Aguliera, Dirrty

Random Thoughts of the Week:

• Aren’t the current Miami Dolphins the perfect destination for Ricky Williams? No hype, no pressure, just a hopeless 0-9 team in a warm climate. He can probably light up on the sidelines. Will anyone care if he does? Will any TV network be airing a Miami game on purpose for the rest of the season? Maybe he’ll play barefoot with no helmet.

• What’s with Wayne Gretzky’s hair? You could turn him upside down and use him as a mop. A crappy mop made of hay with no charisma that stars in a million commercials.

• Remember Michael Vick?

• Swing the fucking basketball already, Raptors.

• Is there really any way A-Rod will still be a Yankee 10 years from now? We don’t care what his contract stipulates. There’s no way a player that douchey can survive a full decade on a team with fans more rabid than Mike Tyson after you jab his genitals with a fire poker and tongue kiss his mother in front of him.

• Congrats, PGA, for introducing drug tests for 2008. Yes, some 13-year-old girls can drive the ball 300 yards, but grown men still need muscle to hit the ball far. It’s not about technique. The only question is: why the hell aren’t we cracking down on dart throwers and poker players? Geez.

Kev’s Picks

Each Friday, Kev picks football games. Bear in mind, he is a parasite, a disease of football picking. They’re more pathetic than people who eat bugs for attention.

Jobs given to an intern: picking up donuts. Making copies. Being the brunt of many rather insulting jokes. Save Larkin and Hurk's ass. You read that right. Look at this place. They take more days off than George W. They take yesterday off after missing a full week? Could it be because this site was featured on SI.com and they want to milk it? Perhaps their festering love for each other boiled over after many hours stuck elbow-to-elbow in the SOJP office, and they’re taking some "personal time." Either way, leave it to the Intern to salvage this wreck of a website. On with the picks! Here is your winning ticket this week:

San Diego (+3) @ Jacksonville

There are few things I enjoy more than watching Norv Turner fail. Watching Bryan McCabe pretend to play defense is up there, but I think Norv takes the cake. Hiring a career 63-86-1 coach may seem like a brilliant idea, but it's not really working out this year. Not that it’s really Norv's fault; he’s just a shitty head coach. I do kinda feel bad for L.T., though. That's why I'm taking San Diego this week. Pity. I've tried thinking these through logically. I'm done with that. Pity. I say San Diego for the “W.”

Chicago (+6) at Seattle

Seattle forced me to sit through possibly the worst Monday Nighter of all time, and it's for this reason alone I'm taking Chicago. Spite. Pure spite. Losing to Sexy Rexy and the Bears is their just desserts for subjecting me to three-plus hours of horrid football. Book it.

NY Giants at Detroit (+3)

Detroit sure did let me down last week. It's cool, I'm used to it. I'm still taking Detroit in an upset. Why? Frustration. Every time I pick the Lions, they lose. They can't lose out the year, so I'm thinking they'll win this week. Also, I can't trust the Giants and their droopy-faced quarterback. Google “Eli Manning” and this is the first picture to show up. Priceless.

Tennessee (+1) at Denver

There was a whole story on ESPN about how Vince Young's production is dropping, yet the Titans keep winning (well, except for last week). Denver plays well at home and is coming off an impressive road win at KC. I'm still taking Tennessee. Why? Blind faith. Young wins games; that’s all there is to it. Oh, and they have a pretty amazing run defense (fourth in the NFL), a pretty solid pass defense (seventh in the NFL), Travis Henry is banged up, and Jay Cutler has nine picks in nine games. There's that too. Just sayin'.

KC (+14.5) at Indy

I'm picking KC. Yup. Consider this my upset special of the week. No Marvin Harrison. No Dallas Clark. Anthony Gonzalez hasn't practiced. Dwight Freeney might not even be able to start next season. Robert Mathis was injured in practice this week and might not suit up. Bob Sanders hasn't practiced this week. How bad is it for Indy? By the end of last week's game, it only had 40 players available to play. To put that into perspective, an NFL team can have 53 players available to play, with 47 of those dressed. Practice roster players were in the lineup. Players signed days before the game got regular playing time. It ain't gettin' any prettier.

Last week: 1-4

Season record: 5-14

The comic book heroes football dream team

2007-11-13T18:14:00.000-05:00

Let’s get this out of the way: yes, we’re freaking goobers. But you can’t tell us you didn’t read comic books or at least watch Saturday morning cartoons as a kid. Perhaps we’ve taken it a bit too far by creating a faux football team based on comic book characters and what they’re best suited to play in the NFL, with the only caveat being nobody is allowed to use their flying powers. Perhaps you can go to hell.

And yes, we had sex once. It was okay. She’s probably had better.

HEAD COACH

Forget Dick Vermeil’s crying or Bill Cowher’s menacing glare. No one can top King Leonidas' motivational power. He’s the ultimate players’ coach. He’s fought in the trenches. We’re not talking “Ok, fellas, let’s go now, all day!” We’re talking “TONIGHT…WE DINE…IN HELLLLLL!” How terrifying is that? The Spartans made a ridiculous goal line stand in Hell’s Gate, so something tells us Leonidas’ D-line could stuff Brandon Jacobs at the one.

QUARTERBACK

Easy choice here. You could argue the concept of a quarterback is modelled after Superman in the first place. He’s a tall, strong farm boy with a chiselled jaw and wholesome family values. Great with the media, absolute canon for an arm, tough enough to hang in the pocket and absorb any hit but also a major threat to take off. Naturally, Captain America would back him up.

RUNNING BACK

You’ll be hard-pressed to find more toughness and grit in a runner than Wolverine. While he lacks true breakaway speed, his agility and quickness make him a perfect fit for our one-cut, zone blocking scheme (if it can make Olandis Gary a star, Wolverine should be partying in Honolulu every February). His healing powers make injuries a non-concern, and with an adamantium exoskeleton, worn-out defenders will be complaining in the fourth quarter that “It hurts to tackle this guy.”

FULLBACK

He’s a little tall and lean for a fullback, but Iron Man’s strength-and-speed combination make him an ideal blocker out of the backfield. Watch out; we’ll even throw him a pass or two around the goal line.

WIDE RECEIVER

Spider-Man’s leaping ability and sticky hands are unparalleled; he’s a Sunday night Sportscenter staple on his way to shattering every NFL receiving record like Joe Theismann’s leg. Think it’s worth taking the skinny arachnid out with a cheap shot? Good luck getting around his spider sense.

His lack of superpowers hasn't stopped him from putting away some of the world’s most ruthless villains. Why would it bother Batman on the gridiron? Diligence in the film room – though some label it paranoia – ensure the Dark Knight is always in the right place at the right time. A tough guy who battles through injuries, Batman leads our team in receptions and is a key third-down target, creating yards after the catch when he looks all but doomed (think Anquan Boldin). Of course, his frail human body will eventually give out, but the man who prepares for any scenario will simply start patrolling the sidelines, undoubtedly becoming his generation’s Bill Walsh or Clark Shaughnessy.

Our third receiver, The Flash, is a feared deep threat. Usually working out of the slot, his blinding speed is just enough for us to put up with his terrible hands (it’s him or Devery Henderson).

OFFENSIVE LINE

Our squad employs the trendy zone-blocking scheme popularized by the Denver Broncos, so we’ve gone with a relatively undersized squad of Colossus, Juggernaut, Thor, Rhino, and The Thing. Still, these guys all pack a mean punch and suit their individual positions well. Colossus and the Thing line up at tackle, with the tall, long Ruskie manning the left side to handle the league’s most feared speed rushers and The Thing being your typical, right-side mauler. Juggernaut and Rhino are most effective on the move, so they play guard where they can run traps or pull (think of Lombardi’s old power sweeps). Thor gets the call in the middle. The Thing defines the unit with his gruff, blue-collar mentality.

TIGHT END

We’ve gone with a lighter, mobile offensive line, so we’ve eschewed a pass-catching tight end for a more traditional run blocker. That’s where Sandman comes in. While his season receiving stats are modest at 16 catches, 142 yards and a pair of scores, run defenders are flummoxed every time they line Wolverine up in their sights only to be levelled by a rock-solid wall.

DEFENSIVE END

Playing in a blinding rage, The Incredible Hulk is widely regarded as the league’s most intense player. A threat to stop the run or rush the quarterback, Hulk’s forced fumbles, multi-sack performances, and Dikembe Mutombo-like swatted passes into the nosebleeds are worth the occasional roughing the passer penalty. Sabertooth is a physical specimen, but it’s his tenacity that makes him a nice compliment to the big green monster.

DEFENSIVE TACKLE

Kingpin is a big, sloppy, sluggish man who never rushes the passer but swallows up any tailback dumb enough to run at him. Not afraid to eye gouge or sling mud in someone’s eyes, either.

LINEBACKERS

Beast, a defensive captain, heads this terrifying unit. Venom and Lizard run wild, Shawne Merriman style, attacking the passer, trucking ball carriers left and right, getting loads of facemask penalties and showboating like crazy after every tackle. Beast, meanwhile, never gets caught out of position and isn’t afraid to call audibles if he doesn’t like what he sees. The wild card: Dr. Otto Octavius. While his weak, flabby frame makes him useless if you put a hat on him, he’s unstoppable if he has room; swim move with one arm, trying to strip the ball with another, wrapping up the quarterback with two more arms. No one tries play action or draw plays with Doc Ock on the field, as he has a tentacle on the quarterback and running back simultaneously during every play fake. He’d be an absolute nightmare for holding calls, though.

CORNERBACKS

These guys give opposing offenses fits. Carson Palmer thinks Chad Johnson has a step on his man, but Nightcrawler just disappears and reappears on top of Ocho Cinco. You can’t catch Daredevil napping, as he senses where Housh and the ball are at all times. Finally, Palmer thinks he has a seam and fires a laser to Chris Henry, but the ball stops in mid air and starts hurtling in the opposite direction. Gus Johnson makes the crazy call:

“Picked off by the Invisible Woman! Oh my goodness! WHERE IS SHE? And…pushed out of bounds at the 10, Comic Book Heroes football.”

SAFETIES

It’s just not fair. Mr. Fantastic gets a hand on any pass within 20 yards of him, so he can cover the split end, then stretch an arm across the field and whack down a ball thrown to the flanker. Wonder Woman can end a career in a second. She explodes anyone with the balls to make a catch over the middle. Better yet, she uses her truth-inducing magic lasso to make O-linemen tip her off before the snap. “Sigh…it’s a play-action deep post, ma’am.”

PUNTER

Coffin corner for Bullseye every time. Every time.

KICKER

We have no idea if Mr. Freeze can kick, but he’s got ice in his veins and that’s good enough for us.

RETURNER

The Flash, of course.

TRICK PLAY SPECIALISTS

“Forth and 17, Comic Book Heroes on their own 40….time for one more play, down by six, they need a miracle…Superman, drops back…..pump fakes and ducks under Richard Seymour….he…THROWS THE BALL STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR….what the….OH MY GOODNESS, A GIANT CLOUD OF SMOKE….and….snakes…SNAKES ARE FALLING FROM THE RAFTERS! And…what the, one of the snakes turns into a football…it’s…..it’s Comic Heroes’ ball! And…it’s MYSTERIO…MYSTERIO HAS IT….HE LOOKS DEEP….UNLOADS…..AND….OHHHHHHHHH.!!!! AHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RIDDLER! WIDE OPEN! 20, 10, TOUCHDOWWWWWWWNNNN! COMIC BOOK HEROES WIN! COMIC BOOK HEROES WIN! COMIC BOOK HEROES WIN! DO….YOU….BELIEVE IT!?!

SPECIAL TEAMS ACES

In terms of talent, they don’t measure up to their teammates. But Kraven the Hunter and Robin both show enough desire and hustle to contribute on special teams. Kraven’s animal-like instincts make him an ideal candidate to bust open wedges. The diminutive Robin gets shoved all over the field when covering punts, but he’s a fearless competitor who quickly becomes a fan favourite.

GENERAL MANAGER

Lex Luthor

TEAM BUS

Optimus Prime

Time to give the Leafs tough love

2007-11-13T12:01:00.000-05:00

LEAF FANS HAVE TO STOP ACCEPTING MEDIOCRITY AND START DEMANDING A REBUILDING PHASE

I’m a diehard Toronto Maple Leafs fan. You know the type; I bleed blue and white, herald the 1993 Campbell Conference final as “the glory days,” and pretty much exemplify everything non-Leaf fans hate about Leaf fans. If Toronto won the Stanley Cup, I’d be drunk, crying, naked and/or arrested in minutes.

I’m as annoying and obsessive as any Bud fan out there. I want to read about trade rumors every day in the paper. I’ll listen to Leafs radio shows in July.

So let’s talk hockey, baby, starting with last Saturday’s Leafs/Rangers tilt. Yeah, man…what a game. With all that…puck hitting…and stuff. And the big hit by that guy. And the goals. And…

…so I didn’t watch the game. A diehard Leaf fan didn’t watch the game. Sacrilege, right? You know what’s even worse? I chose not to watch. I didn’t want to watch. Hell, I didn’t want them to win. I wanted them to get crushed. But I didn’t feel right cheering against the team I love, so I looked away.

Shut up, crybaby lynch mob attacking me and claiming I’m not a true Leaf fan because I want my favorite team to lose. No, you shut up. No, YOU SHUT UP. You’re wrong. A real fan wants the team to succeed. And by succeed, I don’t mean your definition of success. I don’t mean finish eighth. I don’t mean win a first-round playoff series. I mean contend. I mean win a friggin’ Stanley Cup. If we actually want a Cup, we need heads to roll. We need to start from square one, even if that means blowing up the team, Florida Marlins-style. And the only way that’ll ever happen is if we become bad enough that management has to make changes.

There’s a strange sense of shoulder-shrugging helplessness in Leaf Nation. We think the team has fucked itself so badly that it can never, ever recover. Wake up. It’s not that the Leafs situation can’t change; it’s just that it can’t change without a few years of suffering.

Let’s dispel a few of those “unfixable problem” myths, shall we?

MYTH: Everything is John Ferguson Jr.’s fault and firing him will solve the problem.

Fergie’s ugly situation is as much a product of his contract as it is anything else. Think about it. If someone gives you a one-year extension and openly puts a gun to your head, will you make moves to help your team in the long term or the short term? Of course he keeps throwing dough at veterans. I don’t blame the guy at all.

Say you work in sales for a big corporation and you’re struggling. Your boss tells you to make money or hit the road. Would you make modest moves for mild but definite success or would you bust out your “five-year plan” that’ll lose the company money at first but help it in the long run? What if you have kids to feed?

MYTH: John Ferguson Jr. is a competent general manager who deserves to keep his job and will make the right moves under a different contract.

I’m not contradicting myself, I swear. Just because I don’t blame him for his recent mistakes doesn’t mean he isn’t a fucking idiot. This is the same guy who signed geriatric Eddie Belfour to a colossal contract during the lockout and made Jason Allison put on skates and play “hockey” for the Toronto Maple Leafs. The current mess ain’t all his fault, but he still has to go. He couldn’t spot a good trade or draft pick if it took a shit on his face.

MYTH: All the Leafs’ financial advantages are gone in the salary cap era.

This team is still backed by the Ontario Teacher’s Pension Plan and sells out every game, yet its scouts may literally be monkeys trained by people with Down syndrome. I heard a great idea on the radio the other day: find the 10 best scouts in the NHL and offer to double their salaries. Maybe even triple them. We sure as Hell can afford it. Maybe then we’d draft Zetterbergs and Stastnys instead of trying to convince fans Jiri Tlusty is a future star.

MYTH: There is no suitor for Bryan McCabe.

Come on. Someone has room for him. Plenty of teams could use his point shot on the power play. The New York Rangers are reportedly pursuing Ed Jovanovski aggressively, so can you honestly tell me they wouldn’t have placed a call about McCabe, a highly similar player in skill, defensive “merit” and salary?

MYTH: Nik Antropov is untouchable.

Yeah, he’s having a breakout year, but he’s also made of Popsicle sticks and he’s an unrestricted free agent in 2009. Think the Leafs will be Cup contenders by 2009? Trading him at his peak value wouldn’t be a horrible idea.

MYTH: Leaf Nation would get angry and stop filling the building if Toronto underwent a rebuilding period.

This one gets me the most. Toronto is supposedly the “Hockey Mecca.” So how can anyone think the so-called most knowledgeable, faithful hockey fans on the planet wouldn’t understand or accept a rebuilding period? These aren’t the Nashville Predators or Kansas City Laser Hawks (just guessing at what the team name will be). We see how Anaheim built itself into a powerhouse. We see that Chicago looks scarier by the game after stockpiling high draft picks. If you’re a real Leafs fan, you know a temporary period of futility will do wonders for the greater good.

If Leaf management disagrees with the idea of Toronto accepting a rebuilding period, it’s contradicting itself. It currently maintains a mediocre status quo because “The fans will always fill the seats, so why spend more money to make the team better?” If the fans will always fill the seats, you can start from scratch and they’ll forgive you.

Better yet, Leaf management can ship off its high-priced veterans, hang way under the cap and still make profit.

“Larkin, you idiot,” you say. “It’s not that easy. No one will just inhale Pavel Kubina’s contract.”

Yes, they will. They’ll eat up his contract if you give them a totally lopsided deal. Seriously. That’s what Leafs management needs to do. It should pull a Rob Babock, swallow its pride, say “We were wrong on this one,” and systematically cast away its vets for next to nothing. Get low-round picks, young underachievers, anything. Even throw cash into the deal if you have to. But get the Kubinas, Gills and McCabes of the world off the team and start from scratch, almost as if it’s an expansion team.

Now, there are a few exceptions. Unless he requests a trade to a contender, Mats Sundin may have to finish his career a Leaf. Toronto fans are knowledgeable, yes, but they’re also more sentimental than Mom on prom night. Trading away the team’s longest-serving captain and all-time leading scorer in what could be his final season would be unforgivable for some. Same may go for fan-favourite Darcy Tucker, whom many call the "heart and soul" of the team and who took a hometown discount to stay here. Fine. Sundin can ride out his contract and we can keep Tucker around for veteran leadership.

I don’t include Matt Stajan, Kyle Wellwood, Alex Steen, and the other young vets when I say ship off the veterans. The young ones can stay, but we have to understand that these guys aren’t franchise players or “building blocks.” They’re solid yet unspectacular players who could be useable cogs in a championship machine but are also expendable. Except for you, Tomas Kaberle. We love you. Sorry for putting up with all this garbage. Please don’t leave us.

Do all these ideas sound absolutely insane? Yes. But they could fix the Leafs’ nightmare. That’s how fucked the current situation is. I know I’m not alone on this one; plenty of Leaf fans agree with me, which further suggests Leaf Nation would accept a rebuilding phase.

Quoting colleague and Leaf fan Hurk: “I just played 160 games of NHL 08 on Xbox 360 and missed the playoffs two straight seasons. I think I can be patient with the Leafs if they rebuild.”

The Leafs are in a Bizarro world right now. Moving up in the standings – say, climbing to seventh in the conference en route to being ousted by Carolina in six games in round one – is a move away from a Stanley Cup. Dismantling the franchise top to bottom and, consequently, moving back in the standings, brings us closer to glory.

If you’re a crappy Leaf fan who “really started getting into hockey when all my friends were watching their deep playoff run in 2002,” you probably think the idea of rebuilding is criminally insane. But to us real Leaf fans, the Buds are our babies. We’re their parents, and it’s about time we gave them some tough love. Don’t cheer for them; that would just validate their crappiness and encourage them to keep “trying” and playing mediocre hockey. Maybe even boo them if you can stomach it. In doing so you’ll be increasing our chances at breaking the Cup curse.

Yep, things are that bad.

-- M.L.

Douchemeter: Vikings pillage Troy Williamson's soul

2007-11-12T13:15:00.001-05:00

Our weekly look at the douchiest things in sports:

1. THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS – The Vikes fined receiver Troy Williamson his $25,000 game check last week -- not for missing team meetings, not for conduct detrimental to the team, not for a DUI. No, Williamson was fined for missing the Chargers game because of his grandmother’s passing, which makes perfect sense when you’re 3-6, out of playoff contention and don’t require the deep threat’s presence anyway because Brooks Bollinger can’t throw further than 25 yards. Just being the Minnesota Vikings should have landed these guys at around No. 9 on this list. Now they’re competing for “Douche of the Year” honors.

2. DON SHULA – Asterisk, shmasterisk, you wrinkly-balled piece of shit. Fact: New England has 355 points in nine games this season. Fact: 21 teams scored less than 355 points in the entire 2006 season. Don, something tells us the Pats may actually be pretty good, even without cheating.

3. DONOVAN MCNABB – He was at his whiney best last week, complaining that he shouldn't shoulder all the blame for Philly's woes this season. You’re right, Donovan, but shut the fuck up already. All this guy does is bitch. When you play the most scrutinized position in sports and have a $100-million contract (oh yeah, and you’re black), you’re going to be blamed when things go wrong. Grow some fucking balls, or just go home and suckle on your momma’s fat, Chunky Soup-flavored tit, you sobbing vagina.

4. JEREMY ROENICK’S 500^TH GOAL – We’re not calling Roenick douchey here, though no one would fault us if we were. This is all about the goal. The shitty, shitty goal. It was more anticlimactic than the time we went to Kev’s “dance recital” only to find Kev doing the splits alone in a church basement while Milli Vanilli played on a ghetto blaster.

5. THE PGA SILLY SEASON. Jesus. It’s November, guys. You’ve won millions of dollars. Have you no souls? Take a rest and spend time with your families. The world can survive without the Coco Puffs Cheetos Open. Well, most of it can. Canadian golfers need these tourneys to have a chance at winning.

6. THE FLORIDA MARLINS – Miguel Cabrera, one of the best young stars in baseball, is on the trading the block. If Florida Marlins fans existed, how would they put up with this shit? They definitely wouldn’t feel safe buying a team jersey unless it was blank (kind of douchey) or had their own name on it (really douchey). Sure, you get to win a World Series every five years or so, but that’s like getting to be the “pitcher” in prison every couple of gang rapes.

7. WASHINGTON REDSKINS WIDEOUTS – James Thrash. Jared from the Subway commercials. Nancy Reagan. Conan O’Brien. Can you guess which one caught two TD passes yesterday? The first two TDs caught by a Redskins receiver this year? CAN YOU? If you guessed Thrash, you must’ve seen the game yesterday. No way you would’ve picked him otherwise. Our money would’ve been on Reagan hauling down a couple jump balls.

8. ITALIANS – Riots, arrests, a fan inadvertently shot by police. Just another “episode of soccer-related unrest” in Italy. It’s un-fucking-believable that people still make the “Europe is more cultured and classy than North American” argument. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to get back to our Wendy’s Baconator and Viva La Bam DVDs.

9. THE MINNESOTA TWINS – Lowballing the best hurler in baseball with a two-year, $36-million offer when he’s only 28?

On second thought…

9b. BASEBALL -- $18 million a year is a “lowball” offer? Cue the apocalypse.

10. PEYTON MANNING – Six interceptions against the Chargers? We know he might as well have had Kevin Everett running post patterns out there, but maybe somebody has been spending a bit too much time hawking (name any product you can think of) and not enough time in film.

Friday Fun Links (and MORE!):

2007-11-08T13:46:00.000-05:00

Kev the Intern sucks. You know it. we know it. That’s why we found it particularly strange that he came up with a Fun Links theme that didn’t suck and was, in fact, pretty good. We don’t know, it’s some ying and yang shit. Anyway, the Intern is treating us to some vids of the greatest running backs of all time. His football picks and a few random thoughts will follow:

Barry Sanders, ballerina and running back extraordinaire.

Sweetness. This montage features a healthy does of running plays and, oddly, twice as many touchdown passes than Joey Harrington has thrown this season.

Whoops, shouldn’t have spoken so soon about sucky Kev finding non-sucky links. Here’s a photo montage of Jim Brown. Thanks Kev, but we’ve got plenty of old football magazines buried in the basement. At least he made up for it with this.

Random Thoughts of the Week

• The massive fellatio fest that is the New England Patriots media circus has cast shadows over some other amazing stories this year -- namely, the Ottawa Senators, who’ve “quietly” started the season 13-2-0 (they lost 4-1 to Washington last night). No NHL team has ever done that. But you won’t see them gracing the cover of Sports Illustrated any time soon. Shit, we’re Leaf fans, and even we think the Sens are being disrespected. The fact that an NFL team has gone 16-0 before, that it’s even possible, should put in perspective just how ridiculous it is for an NHL team to go 13-2.

• Marshawn Lynch is tough. Tougher than expected.

• Remember when Jason Blake had leukemia? Does he remember? He’s playing like a healthy man.

• Sports world, please, please stop unearthing more steroid users. WE GET IT. Everyone uses. You tell your kids Santa is fake once. You don’t remind them every day to rub salt in the wound.

• Why is Baltimore still playing Steve McNair? Why is ER still on? Why are they still making Halloween sequels? Do people still eat black licorice? How did George W. get elected twice? How did Jesse “the Body” Ventura get elected once? How is Jack Bauer still alive?

• Mad respect to Mike Lowell. A strong defender who had a monster year and deserves the praise he’s received. But as hot as Lowell is right now, is it really a good idea for Boston to bring him back? The warning signs are there. He’ll be 34 when the 2008 season starts and he’s likely to want at least a three-year deal. Plus, he had a huge season in his contract year. A bit scary. Not Michelle Tafoya scary, but scary nonetheless.

• Speaking of scary, the Celtics truly look terrifying. Not only do the Big Three look dominant, they also look unselfish, like they want to win. Did you see Ray Allen knock down a trey last night – after great picks by Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce?

• What’s with everyone saying the Pats won’t go 16-0 because they’ll sit Tom Brady in Week 17? Let’s weigh the options here for Brady and Bill Belichick. Rest up in anticipation of a fourth Super Bowl Ring, or take your chances with the second undefeated season in NFL history. Hmm… which would you choose?

• You know what we don’t need in our lives right now? The Toronto Raptors shitting the bed like Kev after his 23^rd birthday (seriously). On Tuesday, the Leafs were visiting Ottawa. Thankfully, or so we thought, we could get away with missing the slaughter because the Raps were playing well. Our reward? The Milwaukee fucking Bucks shooting 60 per cent from the field. At least we could flip to the Leafs’ 5-1 loss during commercials. Anyway, on with more Kev the Intern bed-shitting:

Kev’s Picks (season record: 4-10)

Each Friday, Kev picks football games. Bear in mind, he is a parasite, a disease of football picking. They’re more pathetic than Fat Camp.

Thank Christ I didn't have to post one of these last week. I've never been so cock-sure about a Pro-line ticket in my life; I went out and spent the $300 winnings. Well, it sure blew up in my face. But, luckily for me, you guys turned into lazy asses and took a week off and saved my bacon. Looking back, lord know why I'm typing this because I'm sure it'll get posted and come back to haunt me. As will using the terms "cock-sure", "blew up in my face" and "asses" in the same paragraph.

Well, here is my sure-fire Pro-line card of the week!!

Detroit (+1) @ Arizona
Seems that Jon Kitna and his "god" may be more right than we realize about the Lions’ 10-win season. I'm trying to figure out how the Cardinals are favoured in this one, all things considered. Detroit will win this one, pretty easily.

Minnesota @ Green Bay (-6)
Hurk and Larkin have been pullin' it all year to their life-sized poster of Brett Favre. Rightfully so. Favre's been great, and his team's benefiting from it. Who else has been great? All Day. For Minny to win, AD's gonna have to bring it again, and to quote a Vikes-crazed friend of mine, "Minnesota is 2-0 in games where Peterson rushes for over 220 yards." Well, I fucking hope so. He's going up against a top-10 run defense, and I wouldn't expect another 296-yard performance. I also wouldn't expect Minnesota to win on the road in this divisional match-up. The guys chafe their penises a little more and the Pack wins.

Atlanta @ Carolina (-4)
Grossssss. Honestly, will anyone be watching this game? Why am I even betting on this? Not entirely sure. Just for kicks, and to make this game "entertaining," they should pull the ol' switcheroo and have the “O” play the “D” and vice versa. Joey Harrington can't be worse at free safety can he? Can he? Umm... take... Carolina?

Buffalo (-3) at Miami
Oh, my Dolphins. At least they didn't lose last week. Godspeed to the bye week. I was recently made aware of the irony that Miami's QB's name is Lemon. Get it? He sucks! Even the '72 Phins are turning into huge douchebags after Shula's comment that the Pats going 16-0 deserves an asterisk. Really, to any new NFL fan out there, there are no redeeming qualities to the Miami Dolphins franchise. As shitty as the city of Buffalo is, its team has been surprisingly good (and if they didn't BLOW that game against Dallas in hilarious Bill-like fashion, they'd be riding a five-game win streak). It pains me to go against the Phins. Which means they will win. But take the Bills. Does that make sense?

Cincinnati @ Baltimore (-4)
Steve McNair’s numbers last week: 13 for 22, 63 yards and a pick. That's money folks. It's a good thing he's tough. Last time I made fun of Brian Billick's horrendous, horrendous offense, they came through with 20-plus points. Luckily for them, they’re playing the oh-so disappointing Bungles (they're back!). That being said, Cincy could explode for 40 points at any moment. I've spent four hours trying to balance out Cinci's horrible defense against Baltimore's horrible offense. It's like trying to decide if you'd prefer to have Mad Cow Disease or the Flesh Eating Virus. I'm taking Mad Cow. Take Cincy!

(Looking back, I don't think I could have chosen a more helter-skelter group of games. Every one of these has the possibility of blowing up in my face)

Thursday Challenge: 19 new career paths for the Big E

2007-11-07T12:24:00.000-05:00

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

That’s what dad told us as kids. Liar! That bully who was already 5’10” in sixth grade beat the piss out of us when we tried to stand up to him.

Oh well, at least that theory applies to some people. Namely, Eric Bryan Lindros. The man was dominant – arguably one of the most dominant players of his era – but he was more fragile than John Ferguson Jr. on draft day. Had an avocado for a head.

What next for the Big E? He’s only 34. He has to find something to do, so we decided to come up with 19 new career paths for Eric Lindros.

1. Throwback action star. Let’s face it – we won’t see any martial arts or espionage from him. He needs to pummel guys with his fists and throw them into glass objects, 1980s-style. Think Road House 3: Mad Dog’s Revenge, co-starring with Rowdy Roddy Piper as his sidekick and a washed up Joe Pesci as the villain.

2. Quebec Premier.

3. Contestant on Pros vs. Joes. He’d lose to “Big Dom” from the steel mill when Dom lines him up for a huge hit and Eric dives to the ice, curls up into the fetal position and cries while sucking his thumb.

4. Owner of a big and tall clothing store chain.

5. Owner of a Mazda dealership.

6. Carpenter. Can’t you see him as that quiet guy who builds your deck, won’t except the bottle of scotch you offer him as a gift, and looks at your wife’s tits as she trots out to the backyard to bring him yet another glass of iced tea?

7. Bouncer at a high-school dance.

8. That guy who takes people’s portraits at Sears.

9. Screenwriter. He pitches a script to MGM about a “big dumb kid from the wrong side of the tracks who relies on heart to become champion.” It’s rejected when producers realize Lindros just took the Rocky script, crossed out the title with pencil crayon, and changed every instance of the word “boxing” to “hockey.”

10. Deep sea fisherman.

11. Teaching tool for neurology students. He accepts a 10-year, $68 million dollar deal to be cryogenically frozen and have his brain studied.

12. Mixed martial arts fighter. He falls to Brock Lesnar in 41 seconds. Oh well. That’s longer than he lasted against Elvis Stojko.

13. Beer league hockey legend. He becomes the Gordie Howe of the sport, crushing multiple dads with huge hits even though the league is non-contact. He wins the scoring race with 34 goals, 60 assists and 94 points in 16 games and takes the Eddie’s Bait Shop Barons to the championship.

14. Stuntman. Desperate for a hit, MGM contacts Lindros and buys his Rocky/hockey script after all. Big E finagles a deal and films the on-ice scenes for the film’s star, Patrick Wharburton.

15. Pet groomer. He’s horrible at it. Lots of complaints.

16. Cast of Dancing with the Stars. Drops an F-bomb on live television when he and his partner are beaten out by Jerry O’Connell.

17. Crash-test driver for a middling car company. Predictably, Lindros suffers a concussion on his first day – when he smacks his head on a desk while trying to pick his car keys off the floor.

18. Intern for Spirit of Jake Plummer. Quits in three days because we force him to wear a bicycle helmet to work. And put a dead beetle in his tuna sandwich.

19. Jury duty. He immediately demands a trade to another trial.

Our fizzin', poppin' NFL midseason review

2007-11-06T13:21:00.000-05:00

Coke and Pepsi. The unquestioned soft drink champions of the universe. The world’s greatest scientists and philosophers have debated for centuries which bubbly beverage is truly No. 1. All we know for sure is that, like the New England Patriots and Indianapolis Colts, both drinks stand above the rest. Where does each NFL team fit into the cutthroat world of beverages? Read on, from worst to first.

CREAM SODA

Atlanta, Miami, New York Jets, St. Louis

Remember when you were in elementary school and someone would host a party in his basement? His parents stocked the place with Doritos and a 24-mixer pack of pop? You’d turn the sound way up on the TV so the parents wouldn’t hear you guys playing Spin the Bottle or Seven Minutes in Heaven? And at the end of the night, most of the pop was gone, save for three or four pink cans, plus two or three more pink cans that were still half full because somebody said “Crap, they’re out of ginger ale? I guess I’ll try one of these,” had a few sips, and left it for dead? That was Cream Soda.

MOUNTAIN DEW

Oakland

“Groossss, Mountain Dew. Oh God, it’s so horrible. I hear it reduces your sperm count. And how annoying is it that it’s so ‘Xtreme?’” Blah blah blah. We get it. Mountain Dew sucks. But you know what? It’s been so trendy to bash Moutain Dew over the years that piling onto the yellow stuff has officially gotten out of hand. Don’t you think Mountain Dew is better than its record? It’s bad. But it’s not that bad.

ROCKSTAR ENERGY DRINK

San Francisco

Where are you now, Rockstar? Everyone thought it was the next big thing, the new energy drink powerhouse. Then everyone remembered that one trashy, unhealthy energy drink on the market was more than enough. “Oh yeah, Rockstar is disgusting.” Kinda like San Fran’s passing game.

SPRITE

Chicago, Denver, Philadelphia, Cincinnati

What the hell happened? Was it just a well-oiled hype machine that had us “obeying our thirst”? The days of Bears defense, the Denver running game, Donovan McNabb, the resurgent Bengals and Grant Hill commercials are gone. “Image is nothing,” and so are these teams.

A CHEAP CASE OF BEER WITH A FREE T-SHIRT INSIDE

Minnesota

Looking for a good time? Stay away from the cheap case of booze that will invariably give you a severe hangover and a bloody rectum thanks to two days on your “beeriod.” Then again, it does come with that free Adrian Peterson T-shirt…

RED BULL

Houston

Zip! Zap! Pow! After slamming one of these puppies, you have “wings,” right? Well, for a few fleeting moments. Then reality kicks in and you crash. Hard. Now you’re exhausted, it’s 2 a.m. and your plan to complete your essay via all-nighter looks pretty stupid.

NO NAME COLA

Kansas City

It’s a piece of shit and everyone knows it, but it keeps on trucking. There will always be that divorced single dad out there who tosses a case of it into the trunk of his Firebird, hoping to give his kids a cheap, sugary thrill on the one day a week he gets to see them.

“But Dad, we want Coke!” shriek the little brats.

“What the hell do you want me to do about it,” replies an angry Carl Peterson. “Do you know how much alimony your mother is bleeding me for? This is all your fault anyway, you little shits.”

GATORADE

New Orleans

It’s pretty jazzy and popular. There’s loads of hype surrounding it. Naturally, your expectations are pretty high as you slam it back. But something’s wrong. The sugary liquid bloats you and you feel surprisingly sluggish. You trudge to the gym for your lunch-hour basketball game with your office buddies, wishing you could take a nap instead. Could this be the supposed superdrink you’ve heard so much about? You huff and puff for 10 minutes, turning over the ball repeatedly, tossing up bricks and drawing eye-rolls from your teammates. Wait. A few more minutes pass and you feel…refreshed. Pulsing with energy, your electrolytes replenished, you start trash talking the other team. You grab the rock and dunk over Glenn, that smarmy douchebag from marketing who wears the headband and the D-Wade jersey.

FRESCA

Buffalo, Carolina, Arizona

In a word, “meh.” What else can you say about Fresca? It’s not bad, really, but it isn’t good, either. It’s just…there. You won’t order it in a restaurant or find it at parties, but every once in a while, it pops up in a hotel minibar. You down it and a bag of almonds, watch Conan, hit the sack and forget about it the next morning. With its fizzy, fruity taste, it has enough going for it that it won’t go out of business, but that’s about it. It won’t be making a run at the big boys any time soon.

ORANGE CRUSH

San Diego, Baltimore, Seattle

“And what would you like to drink, sir?” asks the Applebee’s waitress. “Ugh… I’m so sick of Pepsi and Coke,” you think to yourself, wincing in the direction of the fountain pop machine as if your squinted eyes will force it into answering for you. “I’ll have a Pep—actually, I’ll have an Orange Crush.” An Orange Crush? Why go for something tried-and-true when you can gamble on the trendy pick? Inevitably, it blows up in your face. “I should have just asked for Coke,” you sigh between bites of Chicken Parmesan. Something tells us you’ll be changing your order when the waitress comes around with refills.

ROOT BEER

Jacksonville, Washington

Though it doesn’t belong in the upper echelon of drinks, root beer is a respected and generally well-liked beverage. Admittedly, it’s incomplete; while it makes for a great float, you can’t really mix it with alcohol and there are numerous occasions where it’d be inappropriate to order one. Still, despite its limitations, root beer will always hang above the middle-of-the-pack drinks and, given the right circumstances, can actually be quite satisfying.

DR. PEPPER

Detroit, Tennessee, Cleveland, Tampa Bay

Mind-blowing. Just mind-blowing. Who the fuck drinks Dr. Pepper? Seriously, WHO DRINKS IT? Yet it’s somehow stumbled upon pretty big commercial success despite its arguably horrible taste. What exactly is it? Root beer? Mint cola? Regardless, what we have here is a fluke. A crappy, college-dropout scientist – let’s call him “Dr. Millen” – screwed around with his chemistry set in his garage and wound up with a drink that some crazy, idiotic people out there like.

ICED TEA

Dallas, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, New York Giants

Are they the supreme drink juggernauts of the universe? No. But they sure as hell deserve respect. Lots of people drink iced tea, and with good reason. It’s a refreshing drink with few flaws. For all we know, it could beat out Coke and Pespi in the odd random taste test or poll. Especially if you poll a bunch of old guys who’ve “been drinkin’ iced tea since the days of Bart Starr and Roger Staubauch.”

COKE AND PEPSI

New England and Indianapolis

The ultimate fate of those two teams has yet to be determined; after all, despite fair evidence against it, a valid argument can be made that Pepsi (Indy) is still actually better than Coke (New England). It just depends on who you ask. Either way, you’re best off ordering one of these instead of getting crazy and trying the Strawberry-Kiwi Frutopia.

Closet party animals

2007-11-05T19:57:00.000-05:00

When Martina Hingis recently tested positive for cocaine, we didn’t scoff or admonish the tennis star. In fact, we were actually kind of turned on. Who knew the Swiss Miss was a party girl? Still, it came as a big surprise. Martina Hingis? Of course, the news made us wonder – what other athletes are closet partiers? This isn’t a list of the biggest party animals in sports; you won’t find Charles Barkley here, even though he’s probably drunk at this very moment. Rather, we’ve compiled a list of sports personalities who don’t seem like partiers at first glance but like to get down behind closed doors.

Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles: When you live in a drug emporium, how can you not be a bit of a party animal? No, Andy Reid probably doesn’t get all messed up on goofballs like his kids. But we don’t doubt he has a good chuckle when his munchie-afflicted children eat the last bag of Lays. Or that once in a while, when Garrett and Britt’s friends are over, they con a chortling “Big Andyyyy” into a couple of bong hits, resulting in the rotund coach spending two days hung over and three days in Mrs. Reid’s doghouse.

Michelle Tafoya, ESPN reporter: You’d think the troll-like Tafoya would be hard-pressed to find a date or party invite, but that’s exactly our point. Trying to keep up with the Kolbers and Bernsteins of the world, Tafoya downs a few too many whisky sours at ESPN’s Christmas party. With dishevelled hair and a low-cut top that’s a few sizes too small, Tafoya stumbles from one potential suitor to the next, making a complete ass of herself. Adjusting a run in her stocking, Tafoya musters the best sexy, husky voice she can manage: “Can Erin Andrews do this?” she queries before deep-throating a stapler.

Eric Wedge, Cleveland Indians: Look at him. Pure party rage. After suffering a humiliating loss the to Boston Red Sox in the ALCS, Wedge undoubtedly spent a couple of hours warming up at the local pub, cursing at passersby under his whisky-filled breath and making inappropriate passes at shooter girls. The fun doesn’t stop there, though. Wedge eschews a cab ride home, instead walking down the freeway with a six-pack of Busch hanging by his side. The highlight of the night? The John Wayne special on TBS he inadvertently caught after his wife, Kate, forced him to sleep on the couch after he pissed in the kitchen sink.

Jaromir Jagr, New York Rangers: Just because he hates everyone and everyone hates him doesn’t mean he doesn’t party. He probably gets crazy, but with no New York Rangers in sight. We picture Jags in the VIP room of a swanky nightclub surrounded by hulking Eurotrash bodyguards sporting sunglasses and earpieces. The entertainment: Czech models with names like “Svetlana” who look like vampires, dress in leather and play kinky games with knives as techno beats pulsate in the background.

Tom Gordon, Philadelphia Phillies: Those sudden eruptions of cheers you’re hearing at the back of bar on a sweltering summer night in the American South? They’re from Tom Gordon’s table. He just took down his fourth opponent of the night in a shot-for-shot Bourbon drinking contest. He sits quietly in the corner, ballcap pulled down over his eyes, while his crazed fans break pool cues over each others backs and scream in jubilation every time Flash downs another glass. Drinking not your forte? He’ll beat you in a jalapeño eating match too.

Paul Maurice, Toronto Maple Leafs: After a 7-1 drubbing at the hands of the Washington Capitals, Maurice tiptoes through the door of his house at 11:30 p.m., praying his wife isn’t awake. He gets his wish when he spots a plate of cold Shake ‘n’ Bake chicken and a note on the kitchen table. He kicks off his designer shoes, pops on his favourite Rolling Stones LP and pours himself a glass of brandy. He downs it in five seconds and stares blankly at the wall. He pours another round. His hand shakes and the neck of the bottle clatters against the glass. He empties it into his throat and buries his face in his hands.

Jeff Saturday, Indianapolis Colts: So what if his party consists of a Halo 3 tournament, sleeping bags, plastic cups and big bottles of Pepsi? It still counts.

Fred Funk, golfer: A nice Friday night dinner with the Funks’ favourite couple, the Martins, turns into dessert and a third bottle of wine, which gives way to Fred wearing his blazer inside out as he sings “Born to be Wild” at the karaoke bar. Interestingly, Fred finds himself looking into Jan Martin’s eyes as he stands on a table and belts out the wrong lyrics. The next thing you know, he’s getting freaky with Jan on his living room sofa while his wife heads for the hot tub with Mr. Martin.

Jeff Van Gundy, television commentator: If you knew what Jeff Van Gundy did behind closed doors, you’d think Pacman Jones was a Saint. Think high-class strip clubs, a pair of leggy, busty blondes twice his height on each knee, and doing lines out of their cleavage while yelling “I’m Jeff fucking Van Gundy!” He also makes the strippers play weird sex games, like one in which Van Gundy dangles $100 bills from a string and rides on the girls’ backs, spanking them while they crawl around on all fours.

Rex Grossman, Chicago Bears: Despite plenty of raw talent, Grossman’s failure to materialize into even a decent NFL pivot is perplexing – unless you factor in countless nights of Prairie Fire shots and unprotected sex. It would certainly explain a lot, wouldn’t it? He shows up for work unprepared, his decision making is impaired, and he appears unco-ordinated and inexplicably drops stuff all the time. Sounds like the morning after downing a 26er of cheap whiskey and picking up a cougar named Tammy, no?

Matt Millen, Detroit Lions: After leading the Lions to numerous horrific seasons, a guy needs to unwind. And nothing says “unwind” like a $10 bottle of wine and a $20 prostitute named “Skyler.” Are those strobe lights in the rear view window? Fuck yeah, this is a helluva party! What? Police lights? Next time, Matt will spring for the $50 motel room.

Joe Buck, FOX announcer: Of course, Buck wouldn’t engage in traditional party activities. The glasses-and-Docker-clad commentator would rather lean against a wall while occasionally pointing out “What a disgusting act” that last keg stand was, or how “classless, ignorant and embarrassing” it was when those two co-eds made out.

Michelle Wie, golfer: She’s not quite old enough to get into bars with a fake ID yet, but Michelle Wie has to be a party girl. How else can you explain the so-called phenom’s horrific LPGA season? Some nights it’ll be joyriding in the back of some frat guy’s pickup, cramming her tongue down “Dean from Illinois’” throat; other nights it’s toiletpapering her neighbour’s house and screaming obscenities at the 7/11 owner as she vomits in the adjacent alley after too many Wildberry coolers; she also hosts huge bashes in her massive house when mom and dad go out of town and cries when someone spills wine on the carpet and her 52-inch plasma TV gets stolen.

Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts: Don’t let his appearance or “aw-shucks” demeanor fool you. For $250k, Peyton would dance at your bachelor party.

Joffrey Lupul, Philadelphia Flyers: Not that we really had reason to think he didn’t tie one on now and then, but now we know for sure. Filled the net while playing in California, clearly filled lots of Hollywood vagina at the same time and had added spring in his step as a result. Shipped to barren Edmonton, spent too much time shovelling snow and not enough time shoving his penis into people, couldn’t put the puck in the ocean. Now he’s back in a big city and potting goals. Coincidence? Naw.

Tiki Barber, NBC commentator: He’s not an “athlete,” he’s a broadcaster and author. But he does get on the town for the odd high-society soiree, consisting of three-piece suits, Martinis, hour-long chats about The New Yorker and jazz beats. Don’t bother showing up if your car isn’t a hybrid.

Joey Harrington, Atlanta Falcons: Everyone’s favourite cultured, intellectual NFL quarterback wouldn’t fit in with drunken, blue-collar Lions fans. But we certainly envision the emotional jazz piano player (yeah, he plays piano) smoking a joint with his fellow philosophy TAs before sneaking upstairs with Autumn to show her his sketches.

Cam Cameron, Miami Dolphins: The Fish are 0-8. It’s not like he has to worry about being hung over for film on Monday morning.

Steve Young, ESPN commentator: No, the straight-laced Mormon wouldn’t throw back beers like Koren Robinson or bong hits like Ricky Williams. But while all the boys – and the ladies, more importantly – get more discombobulated than Gary Busey trying to solve a puzzle, Sly Steve waits in the grass. Finally, his patience pays off. “Who are you?” giggles Jess, as she seductively arches her back and gently presses her finger against his chest. “I’m Steve Young, I used to play quarterback,” he replies. “Would you like to come back to my place and see my Super Bowl ring?”

Douchmeter: 2007 MLB Playoffs, any piece of fiction involving Kevin Costner equally entertaining

2007-11-05T11:38:00.001-05:00

Each Monday, we review the douchiest stuff in sports.

1. THE 2007 MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL POSTSEASON -- RRROOOOOARRRRR! JESUS CHRIST. Dear God, are we angry at the crappy, bland, anticlimactic pile of possum vomit that called itself the MLB Playoffs.

Where do we begin? First there was the scheduling. Games on back-to-back days here, a day off there – Colorado had, what, a nine-day layoff before the World Series? Baseball ain’t a contact sport. That’s why teams average only a couple days off per month during the regular season. And what’s with the 8:30 p.m. start times? They’d be excusable if every game didn’t go longer than the Academy Awards.

We’re not even close to done. There was Colorado teasing our cocks with its cutesy, wutesy Cinderella story and shitting the bed in the Fall Classic. Did you not feel cheated? It would be like Terry Fox completing his cross-Canada run, inspiring us with his battle against cancer and revealing it was all a hoax and that his prosthetic leg was just “a wicked Halloween costume.”

Fuck you, Kevin Millar. You said you didn’t want a trade out of Baltimore. Then why, oh why, were you on the Red Sox telecast telling fans not to worry about Cleveland because “you got Manny and Big Papi, and everything’s gonna be fine.” Uh, what? Inexcusable. The city of Baltimore should disown him the only way it knows how: cold-blooded murder in a garbage-filled alley.

Let’s not even talk about A-Rod and Scott Boras. But speaking of that, everyone who made a huge deal over them is just as douchey.

Free taco promotions from Taco Bell? Last time we checked, the MLB Playoffs weren’t appearing after the Sylvester Stallone marathon on the USA Network.

You know what would’ve been cool? If every series wasn’t a god-damned sweep. One series went seven games and every other series went four games or less. It made a lot of playoff prognosticators look mentally challenged.

Good riddance, MLB Playoffs. We hate you like we hate new Simpsons episodes.

2. CALIFORNIA WILD FIRES – Fuck off.

3. GUY BERTRAND – The Quebec-based lawyer is upset because Canadiens captain Saku Koivu doesn’t speak French, arguing it’s disrespectful since the forward has played in Montreal for 12 years. “I have a right to be served in my own language, Bertrand said. You also have the right to shut your fucking mouth, Guy. What don’t you get on that?

4. O.J. SIMPSON’S FRIENDS – Where’s the loyalty? What a bunch of Judases.

5. BARRY BONDS – Oooh, big man. Boycotting the Hall of Fame. Clearly this is a pre-emptive strike. The day Cooperstown lets Bonds in the Hall is the day Gary Coleman has a growth spurt, cures cancer and develops the ability to communicate with lizards. Which would be an AWESOME day, by the way.

6. THE CANADIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE – Luca Congi was stripped of his All-Star selection after the CFL announced it had miscounted votes and accidentally awarded the kicker a place on the team. Time for a new abacus, guys.

7. MILLSAPP COLLEGE – As if the 15-lateral collapse wasn’t bad enough, the biggest reason it happened was because some of your players quit and laid down like the French. pussies.

8. THE TOUR DE FRANCE – Speaking of our friends across the pond, apparently the Tour will have revamped rules in 2008, featuring “a slightly less mountainous but hopefully more exciting course.” More exciting, eh? Unless the new race airs on Spike TV and depicts a post-apocalyptic world crippled by gasoline shortage, we’re not buying.

9. LONDON, ENGLAND – Londoners were so excited for an NFL showcase on their soil they forgot their city was being showcased to the world at the same time. Nothing says “tourist attraction” like mud, rain, yellow teeth and fans decked out in bandwagon jerseys they clearly bought the day of the Giants/Dolphins game. Hey, at least they have that giant Ferris wheel.

10. THE BALTIMORE RAVENS OFFENSE – Last week, Ray Lewis called out Brian Billick and the offense for its lackluster play this season, and, you know, the last decade or so. Pretty douchey, sure, but isn’t it even douchier when your offense is so pathetic a team leader has to call you out publicly? Hearing that Billick was an “offensive genius” before his Baltimore stint is like learning Richard Simmons fucked the whole varsity cheerleading squad in college.

Lazy SOJP staffers taking the week off

2007-10-29T10:25:00.000-04:00

Hey kids,

We're taking a very brief break and won't be publishing at all this week. Hey, at least you won't have to endure Kev's football picks. We should return Monday, November 5, and if everything goes according to plan, we'll have a few surprises for you (hint: doctors must shave down Larkin's Adam's apple).

See you Monday.

Friday Fun Links: Dumb Criminals

2007-10-26T11:32:00.001-04:00

After Kev’s horrific showing in football picks last week (0-5), he said he’d find some videos of people dumber than him to boost his self-confidence. He didn’t have much trouble. The criminals in his compilation don’t exactly belong in the Ted Bundy/genius category. “Think Corky from Life Goes On,” Kev says:

One time, this guy crapped his pants because he was in such a hurry to get into a public restroom.

He’s already broken his patio door window twice.

Who asks for $200 in ransom (for yourself, no less)? Why not a hundred billion?

Why not put martial arts-trained Iranians in every convenience store? Although, the Intern says: “Who’s the bigger douche? The robber, or the store clerk making himself into a hero and doing jump kicks in the interview?”

And, finally, Kev’s piece de resistance, which will provide more laughs than his football picks. Almost.

Kev’s “super guaranteed” picks (3-7 this season)

Each Friday, Kev picks football games. Bear in mind, he is a parasite, a disease of football picking. They’re more pathetic than Kirk Van Houten.

We’ll review his picks every Wednesday in the PUP.

Painful. Watching the scores rack up last week – and multiple (justified) text messages and e-mails from Hurk and Larkin mocking my picks – has humbled my soul. Losses don't faze me, however. Undeterred, I will trudge to the local gambling kiosk and fill out a sure-fire winning ticket this week. You read that right. Sure-fire. It’s confidence like that that has landed me in the position I'm in today.

Cleveland @ St. Louis (+3)
My dream match-up this year would be Miami vs. St. Louis. It would be like watching Stephen Hawking and Chris Reeves duke it out. Unfortunately, it's not going to happen. St. Louis has been HORRENDOUS this year and is an underdog at home. I'm taking them to win. Why? Steven Jackson is returning this week, which will undoubtedly help the receiving corps (it doesn't hurt that Cleveland is ranked 30th vs. the run). Could this blow up in my face? Sure could, but after 0-5, what do I have to lose??

Jacksonville @ Tampa Bay (-3)

David Garrard went down last week and put the nail in my 0-5 coffin. Damn you Jacksonville, and your injury-prone quarterbacks! (See: Byron Leftwich) Having the back-up in won’t help against Tampa. The Bucs will cover. The line on Jeff Garcia "accidentally" fondling his centre's junk is four. He'll cover that on the first series.

Detroit at Chicago (-5)

What's up with Brian Griese? He's actually playing like a "quarterback." Detroit has been a decent team this year, but I can't see them beating the Bears at home. John Kitna's prayers to god go unanswered this week. Bears win.

Washington @ New England (-16.5)

Is -16.5 enough? Honestly? They've scored at least 34 in every game and basically made Miami look like a Pop Warner team. Actually, that's not far from the truth. The Pats are an impressive team, which will win impressively this week at home. Whatever the over is on this game, take it.

Philadelphia at Minnesota (+1)

This game is a toss-up, but the deciding factor will be whether or not Brian Childress has enough brains to figure out who his No. 1 running back is. Does it make sense that “All Day” had just 12 touches last week? After reading that, does it make sense that Minnesota lost? If you have the leading rusher in the NFL... you... USE HIM! Especially when he's averaging 5.25 yards a carry (vs. Dallas). Philly won't have Dawkins in the line-up and that will hurt – provided Childress doesn't get too much sun on that dome of his and keeps giving the ball to Chester Taylor. Take the Vikes with the mild upset at home.

Thursday Challenge: 115 of the scariest things in sports

2007-10-24T16:50:00.001-04:00

Double, double, toil and trouble?

Or is it bubble, bubble, toil and trouble?

Seriously. We don't know what it is. Anyhoo, it's almost Halloween. That means trick or treating (buying "Nestle Favorites" box of candy from supermarket), costumes (wrapping self in toilet paper to create "mummy" getup) and girls (your neighbour Mrs. Wilson's boobs explode out of her genie costume. Who knew she still had 'em at 44 years old?).

It also means a unique and nightmarish Thursday challenge. We decided to name 115 things that frighten the feces out of us in sports today. Here goes:

Gustavo Chacin’s face and existence
Having unprotected sex with Travis Henry.
Marrying Andrei Kirilenko
Sharing a single bed with Dennis Rodman.
The Colts and Pats playing to a tie in Week 9 and both teams finishing 15-0-1. Euuw.
Darko Milicic dating your daughter.
Vinny Testaverde’s knees.
Underwear shopping with Marv Albert.
The Germans.
English soccer hooligans.
Joy riding with Dany Heatley.
Hopping on the back of Ben Roethlisberger’s Harley.
John Henderson.
Quinton “Rampage” Jackson.
Bob Sapp.
Bob Saget.
Mike Tyson.
Spirit of Jake Plummer’s 2007 MLB playoff predictions.
Slamball.
Little gymnast chicks like Kerri Strug who train so hard that they don’t grow properly.
Chicks who like NASCAR.
Anybody who likes NASCAR.
Freddy Kruger. Think about it. He’s the scariest horror movie villain because, in a way, he’s real. If Freddy only lives in dreams, and we dream about Freddy, isn’t that the real Freddy?
Dancing With the Stars.
Everything about the New England Patriots.
Randy Moss when he tries.
Ilya Kovalchuk when he tries.
Patrick Lalime whether he tries or not.
Greg Oden’s prostate.
Celtics starting fiv – er, the Celtics starting three.
Sudden death overtime in the NHL playoffs when your team’s hemmed in its own zone.
Ron Artest.
Aliens.
Chris Kaman.
The young, suddenly sexy Chicago Blackhawks.
Anyone who plays Tecmo Super Bowl enough to get this good.
Clubber Lang.
Going over the middle when Sean Taylor’s waiting for you.
Shawne Merriman.
Dick Jauron and his undead army.
The city of Buffalo, New York.
Eric Gagne with game on the line.
Joel Zumaya’s fastball.
Elijah Dukes’ super sperm.
David Boston asking you to be his spotter at the gym.
Sitting between Prince Fielder and David Wells on a crowded flight to Australia.
Having Ozzie Guillen doing the toast at Lance Bass’ civil union.
Being A-Rod’s pool boy.
A three-hour lapdance featuring Phil Mickelson and his floppy, sweaty hooters.
Working at Chris Chelios’ restaurant.
Bud Selig headlining at The Improv.
Michael Richards headlining at The Apollo.
Manny Ramirez running a daycare.
Drinking whiskey with Milton Bradley.
People who think Dane Cook is funny.
The Canadian Football League.
Tiger with a lead on Sunday.
Sending David Beckham to your mom’s Tupperware party.
Jake Plummer.
Rex Grossman starting for your favorite football team.
17 at Sawgrass.
The Road Hole bunker.
Mike Ditka wielding a microphone.
Adrian Peterson in the open field.
Shannon Sharpe “speaking.”
Any Super Bowl halftime show.
Roger Goodell.
Being Michael Vick’s pet.
Orenthal James Simpson.
The Madden curse.
All-Pro Football 2K8 on any console.
Officer Shaquille O’Neal.
Getting beat up by Marion Jones in prison.
Bill Wuertz’s ghost.
The palpable fear that you could be casually tossed to the curb like a piece of trash if you are diagnosed with cancer and are dating Lance Armstrong.
Insufferable Boston fans.
Appalachian State.
WNBA players.
The Williams sisters.
Roger Federer.
Insulting Zinedine Zidane’s family.
Matt Millen somehow keeping his job long enough to get the Lions to 4-2.
Any trade made by Mike Millbury.
Garth Snow being a general manager of an NHL team that isn’t on his Xbox 360.
John Madden’s rectum.
Everything about Alexander Ovechkin.
The Gameplan starring The Rock.
The Comebacks starring Champ from Anchorman.
Steamin’ Willie Beamen.
Micah Owings batting.
Being a Devil Rays fan.
Being a Dolphins fan.
Dan Marino’s fits of rage.
The fact that Gus Johnson’s brain could rupture and his heart could explode at any moment.
Scott Norwood attempting a game-winning field goal in the Super Bowl.
Restaurants that serve mac and cheese (note: we may have ordered mac and cheese in a restaurant as we worked on this article).
LenDale’s “training regimen” of watching reruns of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and washing down Big Macs with a nice, tall glass of turkey gravy.
Anderson Silva.
Getting in a bar fight with Forrest Griffin.
Herm Edwards trying to manage the clock.
Jonathan Papelbon
Visiting HSBC Arena and giving up the first goal, leading to an overwhelming explosion of chaos and bedlam among bloodthirsty Sabres fans. When they get one, they usually get a bunch.
Wearing BoSox gear in the Bronx.
Wearing Yankee gear at Fenway.
Wearing Royals gear.
The Leafs’ blueline.
Jose Theodore owning a Vezina and Hart trophy he didn’t steal or buy on Ebay.
Golem (often referred to as “Michelle Tafoya”).
Mike Ricci.
Interviewing Joe Namath.
Suggesting John Daly be the DD, followed by Daly slurring “I’ll fuckin’ show ya a designated driver,” grabbing an iron, and launching a golf ball through the window at White Castle.
Sergio Garcia putting for the win.
Hitting on/against Jennie Finch.
Charlie Villanueva’s skin condition.
Kevin Everett’s spine.

Throw your suggestions on the board.

The PUP: Week 7

2007-10-24T11:56:00.000-04:00

Summarizing Week 7 in 50 Words or Less:

We’ve officially reached the point where the only games left that actually matter are New England-Indianapolis in Week 9 and New England-Indianapolis in the AFC Championship game.

Musings and Observations:

● Mike Nolan and Jack Del Rio’s choice to wear suits this season was an excellent one, but maybe it’s time for Del Rio to go back to the golf shirt or windbreaker. During Monday’s blowout loss to the Colts, it wasn’t long before Del Rio was stalking the sidelines with his tie pulled loose and the top button on his collar undone. What kind of confidence does that disheveled look inspire? You think Vince Lombardi or Tom Landry would have loosened their ties on the sideline? Throw in the tired, “What now?” face he wore all night and it looked like his partner at the firm just stole Del Rio’s best client and ran away with his wife.

● Why not just switch Devin Hester to wide receiver completely? He’s not better than Rashied Davis or Mark Bradley?

● SOJP is desperately trying to ignore Eli Manning’s continuing development into a decent NFL quarterback.

● Don’t you hate games like Tennessee-Houston? On paper, it was an interesting match-up, but with Vince Young out and Matt Schaub injured early, it was about as appealing as one of your buddies farting in your mouth.

Two hours later you feel vindicated when the ticker pops up and Tennessee is romping by four touchdowns. Then the fourth quarter begins and suddenly the score is 29-14. “Heh,” you chuckle to yourself, “Sage Rosenfels threw a touchdown. Hilarious.” You’re still not really paying attention as Houston continues adding “garbage touchdowns” until you realize there’s two minutes left in the game and suddenly the Houston Rosenfels are only down by six. You’ve just missed the best game of the week because you were too busy watching close trash like Lions-Bucs.

● Somehow, Kansas City is 4-3. We didn’t expect them to win four games until September ’08.

● Also, if you haven’t been paying attention to KC’s Jared Allen, start.

● What happens to kickers when they celebrate after a big game? Rob Bironas nailed an NFL-record eight field goals against Houston, including the game winner, and obviously the team went out to celebrate afterward. Did the team truly appreciate him and treat him like gold, if only for a night? Or is it sort of like when you and your buddies are doing a birthday for that guy from work nobody really likes, but nobody ever told him to get lost so he just keeps hanging around, so you buy him tons of shots to make him throw up and send him home with a fat chick and no condoms?

● Jason Taylor is on the verge of snapping like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. All year he’s been throwing out hilarious quotes about the apocalyptic-like state of the Dolphins. “We can’t win in America,” Taylor said after the game, whose Dolphins travel to London, England this week. “Maybe we can win overseas.”

● Tom Brady is a machine. He comes out of the game after pumping Miami, takes off his gear, and starts fucking around on the sidelines, wondering what positions he and Gisele are gonna do tonight. Matt Cassel enters the game, craps the bed like Drew Carey after a chili-eating contest, gets yanked, and Brady goes back in. Four plays, 59 yards, touchdown, Tom Brady to Wes Welker. Un-but-slowly-becoming-believable.

● We think Kevin Williams actually died during a long fumble return touchdown against Dallas, which was called back anyway. We know you weigh 300-pounds, but c’mon. We expect that shit when Prince Fielder attempts a bunt, not from an NFL football player.

● With Ronnie Brown done for the year, please let the Dolphins bring Ricky Williams back to the comedy can continue.

Choke on Your Chow Mien Stat of the Week:

The Detroit Lions are 4-2.

Kurt’s Krazy Komeback Watch:

Despite wearing a bulky brace on his mangled left arm, Warner went 27 of 41 for 282 yards, a pair of scores and two picks. He put his team in position to win with a late drive to get within two points of Washington, and another that set up Neil Rackers for a game-winning field goal attempt. Rackers missed. Despite an admirable performance, the magic isn’t back yet.

KKK Watch: steady

Half-assed SOJP Apology of the Week:

Dear Brian Griese,

Despite you playing well and putting up some points, last week, we called the Bears offense pathetic. We’re sorry for the rips, even though we’re gonna do it again later in this column. Still, going from Rex Grossman to you is like going from Mountain Dew to Dr. Pepper. Woo…hoo?

Week 7 Power Rankings:

1. New England Patriots: Absolutely terrifying; can they be stopped?

2. Indianapolis Colts: 29 points against a tough Jacksonville defense

3. Dallas Cowboys: Sloppier than a drunken prom date, but a win is a win

4. New York Giants: Defense set up 24 points against San Fran

5. Green Bay Packers: Did McCarthy find a running game over the bye week?

6. Pittsburgh Steelers: Big Ben up to his kinda good/kinda crappy tricks

Suicide Watch: Whose fans are looking for an extension cord and a strong support beam in the basement?

Philadelphia Eagles. Brian Griese drives 97 yards in less than two minutes with no time outs. Brian Griese. Of the Chicago Bears. With no timeouts. Not good, Eagle fans. Not good.

Honorary Jake Plummer Award for Inexplicable Stupidity/Being a Complete Bust or Letdown/General Incompetence Watch:

1. New Orleans Saints – seasons stats: 2-4

Reggie Bush deserves lots of credit for the past two wins; his blood and guts running is making a difference for New Orleans. Maybe he can get them off this list

2. Donovan McNabb – season stats: 1447 passing yards, seven touchdowns, two interceptions

Eagles scoring less than a Dungeons & Dragons world champion; McNabb not the only one to blame, but we don’t care

3. Adrian Peterson – season stats: 670 yards, 6.2 avg., five touchdowns

Hype machine is out of control; anything less than 150 total yards a couple of scores per game is unsatisfactory

4. Travis Henry – seasons stats: 549 yards, 4.9 avg., one touchdown

Considering his scoring proficiency off the field, one touchdown isn’t good enough

5. Any team that kicks to Devin Hester – 23.6 yards per KR, 19.4 yards per PR, three touchdowns

Finally, somebody wised up; no special team touches for Hester versus Philly

Moving out: Chicago Bears defense

Kev’s Picks

Each Friday, Kev picks football games. Bear in mind, he is a parasite, a disease of football picking. His picks are more pathetic than Stephen Hawking trying to hit a piñata. You’ve been warned.

Each week, the PUP reviews the previous week’s picks:

Colts @ Jags (+3): Kev’s “upset special” was “upset” and “special” like a child with Down syndrome who can’t reach the cookie jar. Kev loses!

Titans @ Texans (+1): As usual, Kev is teased and screwed over by a current or former Dolphin; Sage Rosenfels can’t quite do enough to bring back the Texans. Kev loses!

Bears @ Eagles (-5.5): SOJP’s star prognosticator rips Bears’ defense; Chicago responds by holding Philly to 16 points. Kev loses!

Steelers (-3.5) @ Broncos: Pittsburgh runs for 119 yards, but it’s nowhere near the rushing romp the Intern expected. Kev loses!

Ravens (-3) @ Bills: Perhaps the Intern should have cared a little more about his pick in the “Who Cares Bowl” of the week; this cost him a $500 bet (well… plus the other four losses). Kev loses!

This week: 0-5 (holy hell!)

Season record: 3-7

Predictions for Week 7:

Vinny Testaverde goes into cardiac arrest after Dwight Freeney puts a helmet in his sternum. He convulses on the sidelines throughout the second quarter as David Carr replaces him and throws three picks. At halftime, Panthers team doctor Pat Connor saves Testaverde’s life with a defibrillator. Standing in the corner of the dressing room, chomping on gum, his hands on his broad knees, head coach John Fox has an idea.

CONNOR: ….he’s not doing well, John. I, I saved him…this time. But I don’t know how many more times I can –

FOX: You’re not paid to predict the future, Doc. Get out the smelling salts and cortisone and morphine, or whatever the hell it is you need to get Vinny on that football field.

CONNOR: But coach Fox, this is suicide!

FOX: Last time I checked, suicide means killing yourself. And this choice has nothing to do with Vinny. This is more like Eucalyptus.

CONNOR: Euthanasia?

FOX: Right. Ok, good talk, then. Let’s revive Vinny and win a fuckin’ football game.

A gurgling sound explodes from the trainer’s table. Testaverde coughs up blood and tries to speak.

VINNY: g-glurp…oh God…oh Jesus….help me. Please. I…I’m dying.

FOX: Vinny, you’re here, baby, Coach Fox is here. You’re back. Let’s get on that football field. DOC, GET OVER HERE! HE’S TALKING! HE WANTS BACK INTO THE GAME!

VINNY: No….please…I…I see my grandparents….I see….my old golden retriever Ralphie.

CONNOR: Oh my God. Coach, we can’t do this!

FOX: Doc, you’re a good man. Now gimme that needle and look away. Let’s see here…can’t be much to it…just jam into the affected area, right?

Fox stabs a cortisone injection into Testaverde’s heart. Testaverde jumps from the operating table and stumbles into Fox.

VINNY: I’m cold…

FOX: Well, we best get you warmed up then, son. Ride the bike, son. Ride the bike. We got a game to win. OK, PANTHERS, COME ON, NOW, LET’S COME TO PLAY, I DON’T CARE IF IT’S 21-0 RIGHT NOW, VINNY’S BACK BABY, VINNY’S BACK, LET’S GO!

CONNOR: …I hate my job.

Testaverde throws two TDs and a pick in the second half as the Panthers fall 42-17 to Indy. He is not available for post game comments and isn’t seen at practice all week.

The Sin Bin

2007-10-23T00:07:00.001-04:00

The Sin Bin is SOJP’s weekly NHL rundown…

Random thoughts of the week:

• Jonathan Toews isn’t going to be a superstar. He’s going to be a super duper star. He’s one of those kids who always looks a step faster than everyone around him. Broken finger? Piece of cake for him. Waltzes back into the lineup and scores on his first NHL shot. Then he followed that up by making the Colorado Avalanche look like a team of Aki Berg clones. The clones were grown in a lab by Walt, a 12^th grade science student. He got a C-minus.

• Speaking of Toews, fuck you, Toews family and ancestors, for pronouncing your name “Taves.” You confuse the hell out of many people. How would you feel if we pronounced our site “Spirit of Jub Plankage”?

• Are the Leafs trying to mimic or outdo the St. Louis Cardinals' nightmare season? Let’s see here…the Cards had a DUI for their manager, a drunk driving death for a pitcher, an exploding eye and a human growth hormone scandal. The Leafs have a DUI arrest, leukemia, an own goal in overtime, and knee ligament damage for one of their top players in Darcy Tucker. It’s not even November and they’re a Wade Belak liquor store robbery gone wrong and a murder/suicide away from topping St. Louis (and at least St. Louis won the damn World Series the year before).

• Everyone’s talking about Ryan Smyth deserving a hero’s welcome when he returns to Edmonton tonight. After all, Jason Smith got his penis licked on the jumbotron a couple weeks ago. Not so fast. Jason Smith was dealt away. Ryan Smyth was dealt away, but not before he turned down a $5.5-million offer because he wanted a $5.6 million a season. And if he was truly Captain Canada, the local boy who wanted to spend his whole career in Edmonton, you think he could’ve put aside his differences with Oilers management and re-signed with the club this summer. Is he Hitler? Clearly not. You could argue he got dissed by Edmonton and Colorado is his first chance to play pro hockey away from home. But a hero’s welcome is a bit much.

• What’s with the Canucks? They used to justify their boringness with stifling defense. Now they’re just boring and kinda crappy. Reminds us of our grandparents running out of Werther's Originals. Without candy at their place, we're left with cardigans and pee-stained toilet seats.

• Pat Quinn wants the Atlanta coaching job, and lots of people surely will herald him as the best candidate, but hiring him could be a big mistake. His style of hockey is pretty much bar fighting/hitting on drunk chicks at bars – stumble all over the ice, yell and scream if you think you’re being treated unfairly, throw yourself into every object and person in site, and hope you score. It worked great in the old NHL, but the new NHL devours Quinn teams. Just ask the slow, sloppy, hung over 2005-06 Leafs.

• Philly: still really friggin’ for real. And don’t expect Joffrey Lupul to slow down too much, either. Last year’s stinkjob made total sense for Lupul. Imagine being him: you grow up in Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta, play your junior hockey in Medicine Hat and, despite being worshiped by young girls, have to settle for “Jess,” the waitress at the pool hall with the big jugs and boatloads of body odor, because she’s the best-looking girl you can find out there. Then you get drafted by the Ducks and live it up in California only to get banished back to Alberta in the Chris Pronger trade. Of course he sucked last year.

• The Stars team name/number on the front of their new home jerseys is pretty badass. Very football. Maybe they’re trying to re-market the game to Texans as “small, black pigskin on a frozen field with sticks ‘n’ shit.”

• Nik Antropov is ninth in the NHL in scoring. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California.

• How terrifying/potentially hilarious is Buffalo’s broadcast pairing of maniacal Rick Jeanneret and senile Harry Neale? Do they stay in the press box day and night, urinating in their long underwear, while Jeanneret tosses half-eaten Danishes into the waste basket yelling “ScccoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREssss” and Neale analyzes the play? Will Neale eat Jeanneret on air?

• Imagine, just imagine trying to fire Wayne Gretzky. What’s more likely – Don Maloney, GM of the 2-5-0 Phoenix Coyotes, axing the Great One some time soon, or Maloney looking Gretzky in the eyes, crying, shitting his pants, and literally melting?

Power Rankings:

Ottawa Senators: Hilary Clinton could play goal for them and they’d still be 8-1
Philadelphia Flyers: haven’t seen a turnaround this crazy since the Rams exorcised the Tony Banks demon in 1999
Minnesota Wild: unbeaten in regulation, but they always start hot
Detroit Red Wings: Zetterberg posterizing Zarley Zalapski in race to become best guy whose name starts with the letter “Z” ever
Carolina Hurricanes: they’re mortal, but they looooove breaking Canadian teams’ hearts

Cutesy-Wutesy early season story that’ll be forgotten by Christmas: Pascal Leclaire’s crazy start. Yeah, he should become a good NHL netminder, but he plays for the Columbus Blue Jackets. He’ll see more rubber than – wait a second. Why do people always make the “seen more rubber than a two-bit whore” joke? Trashy whores probably don’t see a ton of rubber. They’re dumb and irresponsible, so they probably have unprotected sex. “Seen more rubber than a Christian girl who can’t wait before marriage”? Better?

Guys we want to see more of:

The Chicago Blackhawks. Toews and fellow rook Patrick Kane are churning out highlight-reel goals already. Maybe we’ll get our wish since Chicago will start televising its fucking home games now.
Niklas Backstrom. Is he really that good at stopping pucks or is it just Lemaire’s trap?
Nicklas Backstrom. Note the “c” added to the first name. Different guy, dipshit. This one’s the Caps center, who some scouts compared to Peter Forsberg before he was drafted. Come on, coach! Put him with Ovechkin.

Devastating lines who are devouring everything in their path right now:

Alex Tanguay-Daymond Langkow-Jarome Iginla, Calgary Flames: Tanguay and Langkow are so good at – who are we kidding? Iggy is God.
Joe Thornton, San Jose Sharks. Doesn’t seem to matter who plays with him, though Kev the Intern could probably get him run out of town if the two played together. Kev’s season stats: 82 GP, 8 G, 21 A, 29 PTS, -29. “Empty net, Thornton, feeling generous, over to Kev, OH GOODNESS! KEV MISSED IT! KEV MISSED IT!”

The Douchemeter: Cleveland blows series, Peck blows Beckett (presumably)

2007-10-22T10:42:00.001-04:00

Each Monday, we review the douchiest stuff in sports.

1. CLEVELAND INDIANS – So not only did Game 5 starter Josh Beckett throw it in Cleveland’s face (eight innings, one run, 11 strikeouts) when the Indians brought in his ex-girlfriend and country singer Danielle Peck (above) to sing the national anthem, but he probably threw something in the hottie’s face later that night in celebration. Way to rattle him, Cleveland. Oh, yeah, and that 3-1 series collapse? Also douchey.

2. JUSTIN WILLIAMS – You know the NBA is warming up when exhibition season begins. And when players start making headlines for sexually assaulting people. Speaking of which…

3. ISIAH THOMAS – We didn’t forget to mention Isiah’s sexual harassment case over the past few weeks. We were just afraid he’d show up at the SOJP office to slap our asses and call us “bitch” and “ho.” Sorry, Ike, but such treatment is reserved for Kev the Intern.

4. THE NEW YORK YANKEES – When your organization is commonly known as “The Evil Empire” and people are still shocked and appalled by the lowball offer you gave to your manager, perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate things.

5. MANNY RAMIREZ – It doesn’t matter that Boston won. Manny’s “if we lose, it’s not the end of the world” quotes (not to mention him seriously pimping his solo homer despite trailing 7-3 last Tuesday) were a bit much, even for him. Sure, Manny thinks said world is flat and the moon is made of green cheese, but c’mon.

6. RICH FRANKLIN’S FACE – The former UFC middleweight champion had his face turned into hamburger meat by Anderson “Spider” Silva during Saturday’s title bout. Silva seemed to be toying with Franklin, as if he felt bad about destroying the fighter in his hometown, before finishing him off in the second round. After the fight, Silva looked like he’d returned from a brisk jog. Franklin looked like he’d crashed a plane into a cliff.

7. THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE – On Sunday, The San Francisco Chronicle reported Indians pitcher Paul Byrd purchased $25,000 worth of HGH and syringes from 2002-05. Byrd admitted to the purchases, telling reporters he has a pituitary condition that requires HGH and that MLB knows all about it. It’s just like those snooty, West Coast pricks from Oregon to not get all the facts straight.

8. JOE BUCK – What, we need a reason?

9. MIKE WEIR – The Canadian lefty won his first tournament since 2004 on Sunday, going 87 starts without a win. Pathetic. At least Weir waited for a grand stage to make his return to the limelight, earning a one-stroke victory at the prestigious Fry’s Electronics Open.

10. BAPTISTS – Eric Schnupp, an assistant football coach at Baylor, the world’s largest Baptist university, did a little baptizing himself, pissing all over the bar at Scruffy Murphy’s in Texas. He was cited for disorderly conduct-reckless exposure and suspended indefinitely by the football team.

Friday Fun Links: for the music lovers

2007-10-19T11:28:00.000-04:00

Kev says there isn’t anything better than a live musical performance, that there’s “just something about seeing a person give it their all and putting it out there for their audience.” Today, the Intern has put some live music performances together for us, noting “There's no finer example of the talent available in this world than these wonderful, timeless performances.” And by “wonderful and timeless,” he means “terrible and shameless.”

Kev will break it down for you:

Meet Stacy Hedger, Trumpet Virtuoso.

In case you've never seen this, his (self-proclaimed) nickname is "sex," and as you can tell by his dance moves, it's well deserved.

We've all seen this wonderful performance of U.S. national anthem. A truer, more patriotic and heart-warming version could not have been performed. It’s up there with this classic.

Kev’s Picks (3-2 this season)

Each Friday, Kev picks football games. Bear in mind, he is a parasite, a disease of football picking. They’re more pathetic than kids with really bad asthma. You’ve been warned.

We’ll review his picks every Wednesday in the PUP.

Last week wasn’t entirely embarrassing. 3-2 isn't bad, but improvements are needed. This is the week to start.

Colts @ Jags (+3)
Consider this my upset special of the week. The Colts are the Colts, except, for some reason, when they play the Jags. Jacksonville always plays Indy tough (trouncing them 44-17 last year and losing by a touchdown in the other game) and they'll do it again at home. Take the Jags to win. Bonus pick: The over/under on Peyton Manning commercials airing during this game is set at 32. Take ESPN on the over.

Raven (-3) at Bills
A Bills regular season game in Toronto in 2009? What's that? Many Torontonians are hoping they’ll move North of the Border once Ralph “Weekend at Bernie's” Wilson kicks the bucket. Well, if they do, and Larry Tannenbaum and Rogers buy them team, expect those $500 season tickets you can get in Buffalo to SKYROCKET in price. Oh, wait, there's a game in Buffalo this weekend? The Bills are starting gunslinger Trent Edwards again, and I can't see him fairing too well against Mr. Ed Reed and Mr. Ray Lewis. Take the Ravens to win the Who Cares Bowl of the week.

Titans @ Texans (+1)
Who Cares Bowl II. The Madden Curse hit the Titans last week, and that'll hurt them this week. Young will be a game-time decision, but even if he plays, he won't be his usual mobile self. If he doesn't play? Kerry Collins gets the call. The Texans are a decent team (you can't be anything more than decent so long as you have Ron Dayne on your roster). Houston at home will be too much for the Titans this week.

Bears @ Philly (-5.5)
What's up with the Bears D? I'm thinking their dominance the last couple of years had more to do with Tank Johnson threatening the opposition with his vast arsenal of weaponry rather than any sort of talent. 31 points to Minnesota? "All Day" is a great back, but wasn't Brian Urlacher the best linebacker since Lawrence Taylor? I thought so after all the reach-arounds the sports media gave Chicago last season. Take Philly.

Steelers (-3.5) at Broncos
Take the Steelers in this one. They’re gonna run all over the Broncos. "Tackling" is defined as "a seizing, grasping, or bringing down; to seize, stop, or throw down (a ball-carrier); Football. to tackle an opponent having the ball." Someone should pass this over to the Broncos. Have you seen them (try to) "tackle"? You could throw a bunch of nine-year-olds out there and they'd at least accidentally trip a ball carrier after they got roached. With this critical skill missing, expect the Steelers to run all over the Broncos and take this one easily.

Looking for love: athlete personal ads

2007-10-17T18:19:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, amid the million-dollar salaries, steroid scandals and DUI arrests, we forget professional athletes are real people too. And, like the rest of us schlubs, sometimes they need a little loving beyond Candi and Dynasty in the champagne room. Today, we've listed what we think some athletes would put in their own personal ads if they were searching for a partner. If you can't figure out who each "Mr. Right" is, just click on their contact info and we'll fill you in.

Enjoy.

Male, 29, seeks attractive woman who is ok with open relationships. Having her tubes tied is a must. Bonus if being treated for glaucoma.

Email stud_horse@hotmail.com

Larger-than-life male seeks ladies to party with. Should be comfortable with cigar smoke, nudity and frequent-but-uncontrollable struggles with gas. Exotic dancers are welcome and encouraged to apply.

Call the Hooters in Dardanelle, Arkansas, 555-8487

Accomplished man, 31, in search of acting jobs and other events offering handsome appearance fees. Willing to endorse and star in television ads for any product made in the United States of America. Early morning shoot times are preferable. $14,000 U.S./hour, $200,000 flat rate for birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.

Call PM Talents ltd. At 1-888-626-6464

Venezuelan man, middle-aged, seeks Latino woman to bear his children. Must be Roman Catholic. Must be a virgin. Must not be corrupted by a white man or a negro man or an Asian man or an animal or another woman. Must not have selfish career goals to distract from family. Must not be gay or a fucking reporter.

Call Mr. G at 555-2351

Fit, avid cyclist looking for companion to be with through the good times and bad. Well, my bad times. In the good times, I might look for someone hotter. In your bad times, I definitely will look for someone hotter. Predisposition to cancer is a turn-off.

Please send full body shot to one_nut_wonder@livestrong.org

I’m a lonely, gentle guy looking for a little TLC. Soft, steady hands and the ability to listen would be nice. Must be patient and not yell at me for dropping things or making poor decisions. I’ll make it worth your while, I swear. We’ll do some fun, crazy things. What will we do? Well, I tell you what. I’ll let you pick. Thanks for reading and I hope to meet you soon. It would mean a lot.

E-mail I_Need_Your_Touch at happygolucky_guy@gmail.com

220 pounds of sizzling Latino heat seeks fun partner for (discreet) nights of clubbing, hot tubs, Jager bombs and massage oils. Must be between five feet and seven feet tall, preferably without facial hair, but I do like to experiment. No sports talk, please.

Call Hot Rod at 555-8933

Ambitious young man seeks fun-loving companion to play the 19^th hole with him. Needs a zest for a nice set of irons and the ability to get down and dirty in the sand trap of life. Must have a strong desire for buffets/seven-course meals. Brassieres are optional.

E-mail Lefty at golfnut_38@hotmail.com

Stop reading if you’re over 25 and haven’t had any surgery to keep yourself looking fine. You best not have kids. You best not want me to take you shopping or to the movies or out for a nice dinner. You best be well endowed, not afraid of 12 inches of throbbing man thrust in your face while you get a rug burn, and most of all, you must love to get freaky and shoot up. You think I’m fly? Hell yes, you do.

Think I’d give you my phone number? Please, bitch. I’m unlisted, I’ll find you if I want you.

An average guy who likes life seeks a woman who likes life and can cook a fine turkey pretty much every night. Turkey’s a funny bird. For all the talk about it gobblin’ here and gobblin’ there, we don’t really get to see a turkey gobble all that much. It’s stuck on a farm. The farm animals get to hear ’em gobble all the time, and I tell ya, heck, some times I wish I was one of those old farm animals. You eat slop, you get dirty, you roll around in some hay, and you get to hear that old gobblin’ all day long.

Call John at 555-8290

Young male seeks Italian mother who he can fuck in her motherfuckin’ Italian cunt. Must like sucking dick. Would also enjoy fucking your mummy in her mouth. If you have a daughter, I will fuck her hard too. Preferably should speak Serbian.

Ask for the Slick Serb, 555-9122

I’m looking for a beautiful woman – preferably a supermodel – who I can impregnate and then leave forever. I am good looking, have a multimillion dollar salary, and play quarterback for the best team in football. My current interception-to-touchdown ratio is 21:2.

For some baby-making, email heavenly.passer@yahoo.com

Tall, dark and handsome male seeks companionship. Hobbies include complaining about the weather, showing off pictures of my family and feeding pigeons in the park. Must enjoy daily trips to the physiotherapist.

Email big_papa@gmail.com

Big, quirky man looking for a good time. Must be spontaneous. Favourite pastimes are lumbering about and terrifying children when handing out Halloween candy.

Email me at kool_kaveman@gmail.com

Sexy, extroverted male looking for hot babe to turn the lights out with and possibly start a relationship. Must be willing to focus on my positives, and forgive and forget – especially forget – that I am a cheater.

Ask for the Sexy Deviant, 555-8844

Not actually an athlete, just a fan. Still, looking for a lady who likes it fast and furious. Ideal night consists of shooting small animals in my backyard, crushing a six pack of Bud, and getting nasty in my trailer. If you’re fat, bring a friend.

I don’t have email and the phone company disconnected me, so you’ll have to reach me at work. I work 9-5 at the Target in Duluth, Georgia

The PUP: Week 6

2007-10-17T10:19:00.000-04:00

Summarizing Week 6 in 50 Words or Less:

Week 6 offered a bevy of lame match-ups, but nobody seemed to care with New England-Dallas on the schedule. What did we learn? The Cowboys are good, but the Patriots are great – maybe one of the greatest ever, if they can somehow maintain this pace for an entire season.

Musings and Observations:

● Vinny Testaverde led his undead army of lost souls to a win over Arizona. Actually, we’re not positive Vinny – or any of the Carolina Panthers, for that matter – are unholy warriors of the damned. But given that was, indeed, 43-year-old Vinny Testaverde not only playing but playing well, we can only assume.

● By the way, how do you feel if you’re David Carr? You just watched a 43-year-old guy who’s colorblind and was at home on the couch last week after taking his kids to school start in your place, make beautiful music with Steve Smith (who, in the past two weeks, you’d connected with nine times for a paltry 79 yards) and you’re the one with the bad back.

● Reggie Bush sure looked pissed after his first carry against Seattle on Sunday night, when he took the ball up the middle and raced 22 yards before running over a Seahawks defensive back. Perhaps he’s tired of hearing that he’s a bust and is incapable of carrying the load; replays revealed Bush’s furrowed brow and fiery eyes after that first scamper. Normally, the halfback stutters in the hole like a jogger trying to slam on the brakes after losing a contact lens. Against Seattle, Bush finally ran with some conviction.

● Is Marion Barber Will Ferrell? Think about it: everyone in their right mind believes Barber is a better back than Julius Jones. Scouts, general managers, armchair quarterbacks, Julius Jones’s grandmother.

What if, though, when thrust in the spotlight, Barber falters? Perhaps, the Cowboys staff knows something we don’t, and Barber, like Ferrell, is best utilized in small-but-brilliant bursts (Old School, Wedding Crashers, Saturday Night Live) versus being the center of attention for a couple of hours (Kicking and Screaming, Bewitched, Blades of Glory).

● Cool/high comedy moment-of-the-weekend you may not have noticed: Fred Taylor shaking it old school, exploding down the left sideline for a 76-yard gain against Houston. Taylor ran out of gas toward the end of the run and subsequently missed the rest of the series as training staff scrambled to find a defibrillator. Cameras actually caught the running back wheezing on the sidelines before he turned to a teammate and joked about throwing an asthma fit like Piggy from Lord of the Flies.

● Brad Childress needs to spend less time (presumably) feeding small children his penis and more time feeding Adrian Peterson the football. We know they’re trying to keep “AD” (All Day, Peterson prefers to be called) fresh and they don’t want him to get hurt and blah blah blah. It’s not really a concern, considering nobody can catch him.

● Jason Campbell has been getting his leg humped quite a bit lately, but we’re beginning to buy into the hype. He looked very poised against Green Bay, despite being terrorized by Aaron Kampman and his receivers doing their best Matt Jones impression.

● Things are going well for the Patriots when Bill Belichick can pay tribute to his father by getting one of his running backs, Kyle Eckel, who played at the school Belichick Sr. coached, into the end zone. And when said school is Navy. And when said running back is white.

Says frustrated Miami fan and SOJP intern Kev: “Next week [against the Dolphins] they’ll bring in a breast cancer survivor and let her plunge in from the one.”

● Before you get too excited for the Pats, bear in mind it’s a long season. Yes, they appear destined for greatness; presently, the offense is absolutely unstoppable. But they’ll need to maintain this pace and win a Super Bowl to be considered one of the five or six best teams of all-time, if not the greatest ever, as Cris Collinsworth (sort of) asserted on Sunday Night Football last week.

● Damn you, Madden curse. Damn you to hell.

Choke on Your Chicken Creole Stat of the Week (courtesy of SI.com’s Peter King):

Chicago’s Devin Hester has nine special-teams returns for touchdowns in 22 career games. The NFL’s all-time leader is Brian Mitchell, with 13 scores in 223 career games.

Kurt’s Krazy Komeback Watch:

Just one week after instituting the KKK Watch, Kurt Warner wrecks his elbow. Sigh.

Retro Unis of the Week:

The New York Jets, wearing old school New York Titans uniforms. Similar to the St. Louis Rams’ current incarnation, these sweaters were actually pretty solid, much better than the barf-on-cloth concept Philly wore earlier this year.

Heartfelt SOJP Apology of the Week:

LaDainian,

You’ve been on our watch list for the “Honorary Jake Plummer Award for Inexplicable Stupidity/Being a Complete Bust or Letdown/General Incompetence” since Week 2. And frankly, well… we’re sorry. We know it wasn’t your fault, that it was that bastard, Norv Turner. So we just want you to know… (pausing, sighing deeply, taking swig from half-empty 26er of Wild Turkey)… we just want you to know we love you and we want you back.

Adrian Peterson means nothing to us, we’re just friends. We never stopped loving you. And if you can find it in your heart to somehow forgive us, well, maybe we can keep on being friends, at least. We can’t ask for anything more than that.

Week 6 Power Rankings:

1. New England Patriots: With 21 touchdown passes and two interceptions, Brady could probably go the rest of the season with 10 picks and no scores and still make the Pro Bowl

2. Indianapolis Colts: Bye week allows banged-up Colts to get healthy, Peyton Manning to film more commercials

3. Dallas Cowboys: Despite losing, nobody else deserves No. 3 right now

4. Pittsburgh Steelers: This week’s bout with desperate Denver should be interesting

5. Green Bay Packers: Barely held on versus Washington, but a win is a win

6. Jacksonville Jaguars: With Maurice Jones-Drew getting hot and the ‘D’ playing well, Jags look like a serious playoff threat

Suicide Watch: Whose fans are grabbing a toaster and hopping into the bathtub?

Miami Dolphins. All week, you prepared yourself for humiliation—Cleo Lemon is playing quarterback, yes, Cleo Lemon, the guy who is not Brady Quinn. Then, when Sunday rolls around, Lemon actually performs well, putting up four total touchdowns and 31 points… yet you still lose, thanks to a 41-point outburst by the Cleveland Browns, pushing your record to 0-6.

Remember when the Dolphins passed on Quinn for Ted Ginn Jr.? And the team tried stupidly defending the pick by noting how many games Devin Hester changed on special teams and Miami was looking for a similar edge? It actually isn’t a bad strategy at all, considering Hester continues tormenting coverage units… if Ted Ginn was anything like Devin Hester, of course (Devin Hester PR average: 19.4 – Ted Ginn PR average: 7.3).

Can you imagine if Miami ended up with the first-overall pick and passed on Louisville quarterback Brian Brohm for an offensive tackle? Hey, somebody has to protect Cleo Lemon’s blindside!

Honorary Jake Plummer Award for Inexplicable Stupidity/Being a Complete Bust or Letdown/General Incompetence Watch:

1. New Orleans Saints – season stats: 1-4

Can they make an improbable playoff run? Considering the franchise’s history, perhaps they’re only capable of winning when it’s considered a miracle.

2. Any team that kicks to Devin Hester – season stats: 23.6 yards per KR, 19.4 yards per PR, three return touchdowns

Can a kick returner win league MVP?

3. Travis Henry, Broncos running back – season stats: 498, one touchdown

Bye week gave him time to get healthy for his upcoming suspension.

4. Bears defense – seasons stats: 2-4 record, 361.3 yards per game, 24.8 points per game

Injuries are taking their toll, but when their pathetic offense puts up 31 points, the Bears must win.

5. Donovan McNabb – season stats: 1221 passing yards, six touchdowns, two interceptions

Individual numbers are respectable, but 2-3 Eagles are averaging just 20 points per game. Take away the 56-point explosion against the Lions and it’s just 11 points per game. And no, Donovan, we’re not saying this because you’re black.

Moving out: LaDainian Tomlinson, Aaron Schobel, Phillip Rivers

Kev’s Picks:

Each Friday, Kev the Intern makes (unintentionally bad) NFL picks. Those picks will be reviewed weekly in The PUP:

Philly (-3) at NYJ: The Intern rightfully admonishes Chad Pennington’s wet noodle arm, and even 130 rushing yards from Thomas Jones can’t save the Jets. Kev wins!

Tennessee (+3) at Tampa: On Friday, Kev said his gut told him “take the underdog!” Like the time he thought “that can’t be an Adam’s apple!” and brought a random home from the bar, his gut was terribly, terribly wrong. Kev loses!

St. Louis (+9.5) at Baltimore: Kev suggested “Brian Billick figuring out offense is like Helen Keller trying to figure her way out of a hedge maze” but didn’t account for Anne Sullivan (i.e. Matt Stover and his five field goals). Kev loses!

New Orleans (+6.5) at Seattle: Using “they’re due” logic, the Intern goes with New Orleans and picks correctly. Kev, also, was due. Kev wins!

New England (-5) at Dallas: Completely contradicting himself, the Intern says “New England will win, but Dallas will keep it close at home. The Pats pull away at the end, win and cover.” We suppose that still counts. Kev wins!

Season record: 3-2

Predictions for Week 6:

● Vinny Testaverde misses a week of practice with osteoporosis

● Miami, who always plays New England tough, suffers a 35-21 loss at the hands of the Patriots. The Dolphins celebrate their “shocking upset.” Somewhere, Don Shula cries.

● The New York Post reports Eric Mangini had been carrying Chad Pennington’s lovechild. When Mangini miscarries, he finally inserts Kellen Clemens into the starting lineup.

The Sin Bin

2007-10-15T23:49:00.000-04:00

The Sin Bin is SOJP’s weekly NHL rundown…

Random thoughts of the week:

• Nik Antropov is actually playing “big” for the first time in his career. It’s like he just saw his reflection for the first time, said “Oh, yes. Me six feet, six inch tall. Me biggest forward in NHL” and finally decided to use his size as a weapon. He’s on pace for 59 goals. Sure, he’s more likely to play 59 games and wind up with, say, 22 tallies, but at least he could justify having a tinted visor. That’s hard to do.

• Thank you, NHL, for punishing action and not injury. Ryan Kesler was fine after Jesse Boulerice’s attack, but the action was vicious – far more vicious than Todd Bertuzzi’s attack, in which the kind of wild pile-on you see in almost every game resulted in a broken neck for Steve “we never would’ve heard of you or Kevin Everett if not for your injury” Moore.

• Don’t waste finger energy and type a response to the Bertuzzi comment. The issue is dead. And don’t waste finger energy typing “but you’re the ones who brought Bertuzzi up.” We just wasted finger energy typing what we know you were going to type.

• So, yeah. Last year was just a Stanley Cup hangover for the Pittsburgh Stee – er, Carolina Hurricanes. So much size and speed up front and slimmed-down Cam Ward is a man possessed. If they could add a talented veteran offensive blueliner…look out.

• Don’t be stupid. Crosby will dominate.

• We were worried the Nashville Predators would be uglier than their mustard third jerseys this year, but realized two things:

1) Being uglier than the mustard third jersey would entail going 0-82-0, signing Manute Bol and changing the team name to “The Nashville Holocaust Deniers.”

2) Despite losing Peter Forsberg, Scott Hartnell, Kimmo Timmonen, Paul Kariya, Steve Sullivan (injury) and Richard Partridge-in-a-pear-tree, the Preds still have depth. We all knew Chris Mason would be fine taking over the No. 1 netminding job, Nashville still has a promising young blueline and, while their forward corps is a bit bland – more Star Trek than Star Wars – David Legwand, Jason Arnott and co. can get by on strength and skating.

• Shit, Philly is for real.

• We aren’t the first pundits to say so, but Carey Price had some creepy magic going in his first career start. As you may or may not know, fellow Hab legends Ken Dryden and Patrick Roy also beat the Pens in their NHL debuts. Price just looked so…long. His legs covered the entire net. He’s like Xenia Onatopp from Goldeneye, except we don’t want him to have sex with us and murder us simultaneously. Maybe one or the other, but not both.

• We hope he doesn’t read this because we could be wrong, but is Jordin Tootoo a pussy? He can throw bombs and lay guys out, but we never saw the Dida impression coming after his almost-cheapshot on Phoenix’s Daniel Winnik. Sure, the clothesline Tootoo took to the throat after the play wouldn’t have felt good, but a tough guy, flopping to the ground and turtling? He ain’t on the team for his offense, so what’s he good for?

• The Leafs lead the league in goals allowed, but it really isn’t Vesa Toskala and Andrew Raycroft’s fault. Believe it or not, in 7-1, 5-4 and 5-4 losses, both guys kept Toronto in the game. Without Toskala, the Canes would’ve beaten the Leafs about 12-1; Toskala made 46 FRIGGIN’ SAVES and the Buds lost by just a goal against Pittsburgh; Raycroft did everything he could to get the Leafs to overtime against Buffalo last night, too. They’re kind of like that minor-league goalie who you know is good but plays on a crap team, so his goals against average is 5.60 but he makes 62 saves a game and his parents are furious every time his crappy, fat defense gives up a shorthanded breakaway:

“Oh, this fucking coach doesn’t know what he’s doing! What’s that overweight kid doing playing at this level? Our son doesn’t have a chance.”

“Daniel, calm DOWN! Your blood press--MOVE THE FUCKING PUCK!”

• Remember when Edmonton was 2-0?

• Do big hits still exist, or have we reached a kill-shot-or-nothing era? Scott Stevens’ hits were devastating, but not dirty. No 25-game suspensions or deep moral discussions ensued. Maybe shoulder pads are just too thick and players are just too fast now; seems like every big hit is dirty nowadays.

• Saw a great innovation in a bar the other night: chalkboards in bathroom stalls. That’s progressive. That’s Al Gore progressive. Sure, there’s the off chance it’ll make bathroom graffiti even more enjoyable knowing you’re choosing to ignore the readily available writing utensils, but we applaud the effort.

• Atlanta’s a nightmare, and we shouldn’t be surprised. Ilya Kovalchuk and Marian Hossa can score 50 goals each, but that doesn’t change the fact that Todd White is duking it out with Bobby Holik and Manute Bol for the No. 1 center job. If the Thrashers tank and end up with John Tavares, though…holy shit.

• Columbus deserves some success as a city. What else does it have besides bait shops, barbecues and guys named Glen who know a good lawnmower when they see one? Good on ya, Columbus citizens, for shunning suicide and almost filling the Blue Jackets’ building game-in and game-out. Hopefully this is the year they finally rise to mediocrity.

• Jason Spezza is a douche. We hate the NHL 2K8 commercial. “Whatever, Turks. Goalies.” Funny how the lame finished product is likely the best of 39 takes. Still, we couldn’t pick a better spokesperson for the inferior, arcade-like, hunchbacked stepsister of EA Sports NHL ’08.

• You can beat the Buffalo Sabres, but not if you have less than a three-goal lead and they score. When the overbearing goal buzzer goes off, it’s blood in the water. The fans and players’ pupils dilate and all hell breaks loose. Down 2-0 to the Leafs last night, they scored to make it 2-1, went apeshit after the buzzer, and tied the game 18 seconds later. Insanity.

• We apologize for referencing Star Trek, Star Wars and Manute Bol (twice).

Power Rankings:

Carolina Hurricanes – dominating everyone, including Ottawa in Ottawa.
Ottawa Senators – ho hum. Punch their playoff home-ice ticket now.
Minnesota Wild – unbeaten, yes. Good, yes. But take your hand off your genitals and remember four of five wins came against Edmonton, Columbus, Phoenix and Chicago.
Detroit Red Wings – Larkin may have to apologize after chirping a co-worker for taking Henrik Zetterberg third overall in his fantasy draft
Philadelphia Flyers – it was more fun when they sucked. Damn Daniel Briere.

Cutesy-wutesy undefeated team whom everyone’s gushing over but will crash back to Earth shortly: Minnesota Wild. Yeah, they’re suffocating and Devilishly boring. They’re Ben Stein incarnate. But their only real opponent so far was Anaheim, and the Ducks are more hung over than David Hasselhoff the morning after he finds out all Baywatch and Knight Rider re-runs have been canceled by every network on Earth.

Guys we want to see more of:

Henrik Zetterberg. The guy gets better by the week. No, by the day. He’s always around the net. He appears everywhere. He’s like Nightcrawler from X-Men.
Rod Brind’amour and Chris Chelios – we just want to see how they’re doing it/not dying on the ice at that age. These guys are specimens.
Ruslan Fedotenko – we just want to see how he’s doing it/not getting placed on waivers at that skill level. Does he not give hope to every beer leaguer and ball hockey star out there? He’s on the top line!

Devastating lines who are devouring everything in their path right now:

Alfredsson-Spezza-Heatley, Ottawa Senators: Video game stats nightly. Yawn.
Sedin-Sedin-any pylon they want, because it doesn’t matter, Vancouver Canucks: Between the cycling dynamo Sedins and the generic pylon manning the wing week-to-week, that’s a lot of orange on the ice.
Gagne-Briere-Knuble, Philadelphia Flyers: Knuble actually deserves credit for keeping his spot on good lines year after year; he’s the defensive conscience.

The Douchemeter: Byrning sensation in the NLCS

2007-10-15T08:29:00.000-04:00

Every Monday, we review the douchiest things in sports.

1. ERIC BYRNES – Before last night’s game, the Diamondbacks outfielder complained the Rockies hadn’t outplayed Arizona in the NLCS – “Not even close,” according to Byrnes, despite his team now trailing 3-0 in the series – and that all the lucky bounces have gone Colorado’s way. He also said his milk was too warm and his diaper rash was killing him (he didn’t mention anything about him hitting .250 in the series).

2. JESSE BOULERICE – The Philadelphia Flyers “hockey player” was suspended 25 games for cross checking Vancouver’s Ryan Kesler in the face. In Boulerice’s defense, the Flyers were barely clinging to a 7-2 lead late in the third period and he was merely trying to spark his teammates.

3. KENTUCKY FANS – Twenty-two people were arrested during a “riot” after Kentucky’s 43-37 upset win over No. 1-ranked LSU. That’s just about enough, Kentucky fans, time to settle down. We’re not upset about the rioting – if the Leafs ever win another Cup, we’re gonna make Toronto burn like Larkin’s urethra when he pees – and indeed, it was a huge win. But we didn’t even know you had a football team until this season, so let’s all stop acting like you’re big pigskin supporters and we’ll see you in March, ok?

4. BERNARD BERRIAN – Searching for a contract extension after a career year of 775 yards and six touchdowns, the Bears wide receiver rejected a five-year, $20-million deal and asked for double the amount. Eight million dollars a year? Sorry, Bernard, but the Bears aren’t about to pay over a million bucks a touchdown.

5. ALLAN HOUSTON – Admittedly, it’s going to be tough for the guard to make the Knicks roster in his comeback attempt. Although, Houston also has a tough time remembering where he left his car keys and peeing in spite of his swollen prostate, but he does it, doesn’t he? Don’t doubt the man!

6. TERRELL OWENS – The note T.O. left for reporters last week, suggesting they should “Getacha popcorn ready” for Sunday’s Patriots-Cowboys/Randy Moss-Terrell Owens match-up, was pretty funny. But six catches for 66-yards and touchdown aren’t exactly popcorn-worthy. Twizzlers-worthy, sure. But not popcorn.

7. CHICAGO BEARS – The more we think about it, the more Berrian seems right. Yeah, they put up 31 points yesterday, but that was largely due to Devin Hester’s return antics and the Vikings starting Brad Childress’s sister at right corner. Until the Bears start shelling out at least a million bones per touchdown, they’re in trouble.

8. NCAA POLLS – Just three teams from the AP’s preseason top-10 remain there, and two teams have fallen out of the rankings entirely. Like Thanksgiving at the Lohan residence, it’s been exciting and trashy.

9. GEORGE STEINBRENNER – The Boss’s reported ceding of control to his sons is about 10 years overdue. Though it is hilarious to think this guy has literally been running the Yankees for a while now.

10. EVANDER HOLYFIELD – The former heavyweight champ says he will not retire after losing to Sultan Ibragimov on Saturday night. What? Evander Holyfield is still fighting?

Friday Fun Links: Goalie Madness

2007-10-12T11:41:00.000-04:00

Goalie hijinx.

Oh, NHL goalies. So quirky. Always talking to goalposts, refusing to step on the blue line, robbing banks.

That’s right. Robbing banks. While Kev was searching for porn the other day, he typed in “babysitter and Theo Fleury” and came up with this video. Oh yeah, the old Nike NHL goalie vids! Luckily for us, he sent us a batch of those for Friday Fun Links (which is better/much less creepy than the time he sent four gigs of babysitter porn).

Here they are for your viewing pleasure:

● The Babysitter

● Crazy French landscaper

● Bank robbery and the aftermath

● Cab driver

● Dial-a-Psychic

● Panhandler

● Custodial engineer

● Fast food jockey

● The bus stop

One last order of business. Beginning this weekend, Kev is going to make football picks. Now, we don’t want you going out and actually taking his advice. In fact, you’re best off choosing the exact opposite of Kev’s picks. He’s a parasite, a disease of football gambling. His selections are more pathetic than when he loses said picks, gets depressed, and spends all night watching Three’s Company reruns and eating an entire jar of mayonnaise and a large stick of pepperoni (he likes to dip). You’ve been warned.

Each Wednesday, we’ll evaluate his picks in the PUP.

If there's one thing The Intern is known for, it's compulsive gambling. The two trips I made to Las Vegas this year proved that outright. When you’re drinking beer on a pool patio and there are scantily-clad women around and all you're thinking about is getting back to the blackjack table, you know you have a problem.

Philly (-3) at NYJ
The Eagles are sixth in defense against the run. The Jets are the 29th best running team in the league, averaging a whopping 77.0 yards/game. When you combine that with the Pennington's wet noodle arm, you can book the Eagles to win and cover in this game.

Tennessee at Tampa (-3)
A battle of quarterbacks who can scramble and can win games for their team. One of them has a huge ego, the other might have an enormous crush on the other. Tampa has won three of their last four but played New Orleans, St. Louis and a David Carr-led Carolina. Not exactly teams to write home about. My brain says "home teams win 60% of the games in the NFL", but my gut is saying "take the underdog!!" So I will. Tennessee, and they cover.

New Orleans at Seattle (-6.5)
Let's face it, with Shaun Alexander running so upright his entire career, he was bound to get hurt... and he sure has. Coach Holmgren says Maurice Morris will get more carries this week. Oh yeah, Seattle’s fullback and second-most aptly named player in the NFL, Mack Strong, announced his retirement on Monday (the most aptly named? Injured Vikings RB Joey Goodspeed). What does that mean? My fantasy team is getting fucked. Who wins this game, you ask? The 'Aints sure are struggling but should be due. Seattle looked like crapola against a good Pittsburgh team, but is at home. Seattle breaks New Orleans like a weak levy and wins, but New Orleans will cover.

St. Louis at Baltimore (-9.5)
-9.5? -9.5?! Does it make sense to post a spread of 9.5 points for a team that wouldn't have covered this last week if they had shut out their opponent? St. Louis blows, but Brian Billick figuring out offense is like Helen Keller trying to figure her way out of a hedge maze. Baltimore will win this, but that's just because the Rams are so shitty on D. Rams will cover.

New England (-5) at Dallas
We all witnessed Romo suck in Dallas' HILARIOUS victory over the Bills. I found it strangely ironic how Madden kept referring to Favre as an "Old Tony Romo," but then on Monday night, Romo turned into a young Brett Favre. Well, he won't suck that bad this week, but he still won't win. The Pats are the best team in the league, and they'll put pressure on Romo to try and induce the same sort mistakes as last week. They'll win, but Dallas will keep it close at home. The Pats pull away at the end, win and cover.

Interesting Stat:
New England's Record: 5-0
Rest of AFC East, Combined: 2-13

Thursday Challenge: 64 athletes whose names sound like porn names

2007-10-10T21:44:00.000-04:00

Oh, give it to me, baby!

Raffi Torres.

What does he make you think of?

(a) A probably harmless yet mildly creepy children's musician?

(b) A stumpy, underachieving, undisciplined NHL winger with major heart and a booming shot?

(c) That guy who played the yacht captain in Naughty Nautica 5 and got his pole greased by Asia Carrera?

If you chose any of the above, you probably don't have much sexual intercourse. If you chose (c), you know your porn. Needless to say, we know our porn at Spirit of Jake Plummer, just like we know loneliness, infomercials, and Maury Povich.

Doesn't Raffi Torres sound like a new-age porn star? He got us thinking. What other pro athletes have porn names? We gave it a whirl and named 64 fine gentleman for our Thursday Challenge.

Just NHL, NFL, MLB and NBA here, folks. Fred Funk and friends will make the next list.

HOT CHICKS

You won’t find anyone named Ruth or Helen here, folks. These names scream fake boobies, rug burns and money shots.

1. Coco Crisp, outfielder, Boston Red Sox

2. Darcy Tucker, winger, Toronto Maple Leafs (fit little chick that dudes flip all over the place)

3. Aubrey Huff, first baseman, Baltimore Orioles (starring in Aubrey Huff: She’ll huff, puff, and blow your cock down)

4. Hunter Pence, OF, Houston Astros

5. Kiko Calero, P, Oakland Athletics (Asian schoolgirl fantasy)

6. Hayden Penn, P, Baltimore Orioles

7. Huston Street, P, Oakland Athletics

8. Sidney Crosby, center, Pittsburgh Penguins

9. Dallas Drake, winger, Detroit Red Wings

10. Jocelyn Thibault, goalie, Buffalo Sabres

11. Lindsey Hunter, guard, Detroit Pistons (sounds like an uberskank)

12. Jamario Moon, forward, Toronto Raptors

13. Lee Evans, wide receiver, Buffalo Bills

14. Tatum Bell, running back, Detroit Lions

15. Sidney Rice, wide receiver, Minnesota Vikings

16. Marcedes Lewis, tight end, Jacksonville Jaguars

17. Ashley Lelie, wide receiver, San Francisco 49ers

18. Devin Hester, wide receiver, Chicago Bears

19. Dominique Foxworth, cornerback, Denver Broncos

20. Kerry Rhodes, strong safety, New York Jets

DIRECTORS/PRODUCERS

A few gonzo projects aside, these guys work behind the camera. Without them, it’d be Sears Catalogue for you, chap.

21. Gabe Gross, outfielder, Milwaukee Brewers (mastermind behind famous Gabe Gross’ Stinkhouse series)

22. Dave Davidson, pitcher, Pittsburgh Pirates (2007 ERA: 22.50; number of ladies over 22 in Dave Davidson’s films: zero)

23. Alexander Semin, winger, Washington Capitals (won an AVN award for Semin’s Suckfest 8)

24. Smush Parker, guard, Miami Heat

25. Frank Gore, running back, San Francisco 49ers

26. Wes Welker, wide receiver, New England Patriots

27. Johnny Jolly, defensive tackle, Green Bay Packers (taps unique market with Big and Jolly series)

CHEESY, OBVIOUS RETRO PORN STARS WITH TRASHY FACIAL HAIR

Yes, we get it. Your name is Dick Cox. It reminds us of penises. It works perfectly because you star in pornography. Sigh. Viewers were so easy to please in 1976.

28. Lance Broadway, pitcher, Chicago White Sox (renowned for his work in musical adult film)

29. Kevin Cash, catcher, Boston Red Sox

30. Grady Sizemore, outfielder, Cleveland Indians

31. Rocky Cherry, pitcher, Baltimore Orioles (specializes in deflowering “virgins”)

32. Jimmy Gobble, pitcher, Kansas City Royals

33. Luther Head, guard, Houston Rockets

34. Reggie Bush, running back, New Orleans Saints (serves market for pubic hair fetishes/everyone born before 1970)

35. Bobby Blizzard, tight end, Cincinnati Bengals (best work in Wet Christmas and White Caps)

36. Aaron Moorehead, wide receiver, Indianapolis Colts

37. Rocky Bernard, defensive tackle, Seattle Seahawks

38. Nick Mangold, center, New York Jets

39. Damien Woody, center, Detroit Lions

GENERIC FAKE NAME GUYS

So you’ve chosen a life in pornography, but you’re still smart enough to realize you don’t want your real name pasted all over the credits. Hey, why bother putting any thought into a pseudonym when you can just whip up something that totally sounds like it’s made up? Preferably, it should imply you’re a man with a very hard penis.

40. Jarret Jack, guard, Portland Trial Blazers

41. Rocco Baldelli, outfielder, Tampa Bay Devil Rays

42. Robb Quinlan, first baseman, Los Angeles Angels (second “b” in Robb cements Quinlan’s trashy porn-name status)

43. Cody Ransom, shortstop, Houston Astros

44. Nick Swisher, outfielder, Oakland Athletics

45. B.J. Ryan, pitcher, Toronto Blue Jays

46. Kip Wells, pitcher, St. Louis Cardinals

47. Randy Wolf, pitcher, Los Angeles Dodgers

48. Kerry Wood, pitcher, Chicago Cubs

49. Chet Mason, guard, Cleveland Cavaliers

50. Micki Dupont, defenseman, St. Louis Blues

51. Jeff Finger, defenseman, Colorado Avalanche

52. Jeremy Shockey, tight end, New York Giants

53. Michael Ryder, winger, Montreal Canadiens

54. Ben Steele, tight end, Houston Astros

55. Brad Hoover, tight end, Carolina Panthers (gay industry’s answer to Jenna Jameson)

56. Nick Goings, running back, Carolina Panthers

57. Rock Cartwright, running back, Washington Redskins

58. A.J. Feeley, quarterback, Philadelphia Eagles

59. Boss Bailey, linebacker, Detroit Lions

60. Tank Williams, strong safety, Minnesota Vikings

SERIOUSLY, THESE ARE REAL NAMES

These aren’t pornoriffic, per se. They just make us laugh. Like male porn stars who are out of shape and have to wear a T-shirt when they shoot a scene.

61. J.J. Furmaniak, shortstop, Oakland Athletics

62. Boof Bonser, pitcher, Minnesota Twins

63. John Vigilante, winger, Nashville Predators

64. Pooh Jeter, guard, Sacramento Kings