Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Major League daddies: When baseball stars look like stereotypical dads

We dropped the ball as far as honouring Father's Day is concerned but, as your daddy waiting until you're 17 to awkwardly explain the birds and the bees proves, it's never too late to start. There's no single model or mould for a dad, and some guys just have a certain fatherly-type look or feel to them. As a belated Father's Day tribute, here's our list of the most dad-ish players in Major League Baseball:

Randy Johnson: Trailer trash dad - Sporting a mullet, short shorts and a sleeveless Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt, this father of five likes to fondle his severely overweight wife in front of his squealing, freckled, rat-tailed children. Occasionally, he emerges from his trailer to turn away debt collectors and yell at stray dogs to "Git."

Curt Schilling: Loudmouth/attention grabber dad - A true extrovert, his jokes and stories are a blast to listen to -- until he downs his fifth Bud. Next thing you know he’s having a backyard shouting match with mom because she left the propane tank on or challenging the "Cocksucker" next to him to a friendly arm-wrestling match.

Matt Stairs: Average middleclass suburban dad - His balding head and unoriginal goatee help him blend in with all the other sales reps at the office. Hiding beneath his tucked in golf shirt and khaki shorts -- which have a cell phone clipped to the belt -- is a former high school Athlete of the Year’s body that has gone a little soft. But he still manages to swat a dinger every year at the company softball game.

David Ortiz: Tribal leader dad - Wandering through his hut-filled village with a grass skirt, bone necklaces and multiple piercings, Big Papi puts a smile on all the tribe ladies’ faces. A caring father of 24, Ortiz is celebrated for his charming personality and virility. He’s also the tribe’s best hunter, swinging a mean club to subdue his prey.

Ozzie Guillen: Has yet to catch up with the times dad - Hurling derogatory epithets as casually as he flips burgers on the grill, this "old school" dad doesn’t see anything wrong with his racist, homophobic, patriarchal comments. When someone finally chides him for his poor choice of words, he reminds them he "grew up in a different culture." Watch out for fireworks when his daughter brings home her new boyfriend -- and he's black.

Alex Rodriguez: Clean, eccentric dad - Known for his obsession with maintaining an immaculate lawn -- he spends hours in the garden -- and keeping the house spotless, you better not let him catch you traipsing through the kitchen with your shoes on or you won’t be driving the car for a week. Friends suspect he’s a closet homosexual.

David Wells: Drunken party animal dad that your friends love but embarrasses the hell out of you - Usually patrolling the property sans shirt, this dad is rejuvenated by your buddies, as he feels like "one of the boys" again when they come over. Upon their arrival he curses endlessly, tells inappropriate jokes and notes how "fit" your female friends are.

Carl Everett: Always telling pointless stories that probably aren’t true dad - You’ve heard it all before -- how and why the harmonica was invented, the real turning point of WWII, that dinosaurs didn't exist. It was funny the first few times, but now everyone’s eyes glaze over as soon as he opens his mouth. His Cosby sweaters still consistently draw laughs, however.

Ron Gardenhire: Grumbling dad who always looks really annoyed with everything - Whether it’s you forgetting to cut the grass, finishing the last can of Pepsi or surfing "that damned Interweb all day," this dad always has a look of discontent on his face. He’s not really a bad guy and most of the time he doesn’t actually care what the hell you do -- he just likes to bitch.

Elijah Dukes: Deadbeat dad - Nothing says "I love you" like death threats, which papa hands out like Halloween candy. He loves family -- the more the merrier -- so he sires multiple children with multiple women. And age is just a number to him; he’ll impregnate anything too young to vote.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Great Post.

David Wells (aka Larkin Dad)